Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

the old woman that answered a knock on her door and there was a salesman standing there with a vacuum cleaner he said ''lady this is the best vacuum cleaner in the world '' the old lady said''fxck off i dont want one '' not to be put off he said''lady i am going to throw this bucket of horseshit on your carpet and if this vacuum doesnt clean it all up i will eat the remainder myself and give you the vacuum''so he threw the horseshit on her carpet.the old lady said''i hope you are fuxxing hungry my electric got cut off this morning''

2006-11-13 06:57:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 a.m. the next day. The next day at 8:45 a.m., there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmo's are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmo's and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

2006-11-13 06:54:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.
2nd
There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

2006-11-13 06:51:47 · 12 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

a blonde reported for her university final examination that
consists of yes/no type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall,

stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin,

marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done,
whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.

During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing

the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

she says "I finished the exam in half an hour,
but I'm rechecking my answers."

2006-11-13 06:51:28 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

"I was doing the ironing when the phone rang", said Paddy "But what about the other ear ?" queried the doc. "Well i had to phone you for an appointment, didnt I?" replied Paddy

2006-11-13 06:47:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde girl was wanting to be a detective so she goes to the police academy. The teacher has his doubts and asks her what is 4+4? and she says 8 then he asks her to spell police? and she say p o l i c e then the teacher says o.k. now who shot Abraham Lincoln? The blonde jumps up and is so excited and she thanks the teacher and he says what are you thanking me for and she says for putting me on my first murder case.

2006-11-13 06:41:48 · 15 answers · asked by melbow35 2

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
"I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you

expect me to show it to you!"




A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature.

Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,

"Is it on or off?"

2006-11-13 06:39:47 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

John fancied a girl in his office.....but she was engaged to someone...

One day John got so "frustrated" that he went up to her and said "I'll give you a £100 for a quick sh*g." ....but the girl refused.

John said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her fiancé.....so she called her fiancé and told him the story.

He suggest that she ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, and he won't even be able to get his trousers down.

So she tells John that she'll do it and they go to a quiet room.

Half an hour goes by and the fiancé is waiting for her to call.

Finally after 1 hour he calls and asks what happened......



She said "The ba*tard used coins!"

2006-11-13 06:37:21 · 24 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Kate Moss meets Jeremy Clarkson on a night out, She asks him what he does for a living, he says "Top gear", "Brilliant!" she replies "I'll take 4 grams."

2006-11-13 06:32:59 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

such as baby,sweetypie, hunnybear, sugar,sweetcake you get the idea

2006-11-13 06:31:24 · 16 answers · asked by ertw t 2

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and
her right breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says,

Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says,

Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says,

OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

2006-11-13 06:31:15 · 42 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

through the park with my mate the other day. We came across two dogs having sex and my mate says " does your wife let you do it like that. No I told him she doesn't like the park !!!!!!!!!!!! He then asked me did you have sex with the wife before you were married I said " I don't know what's her name"!!!

2006-11-13 06:26:35 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful " in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

Very good, Suzie, "replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny?

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just f*cking beautiful!'"

2006-11-13 06:25:51 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman is cheating on her husband and every time the man comes over she would put her son in the closet. One day the husband comes home early and the wife puts the man in the same closet with her son. The boy says it sure is dark in here the man says yes it is and the boy says I have a baseball I'll sell you for $10.00 and the man says no the boys says I'll tell my daddy so the man buys the ball, next day husband comes home early and the man and the boys are in the closet the boys says sure is dark in here I'll sell you my baseball glove for $20.00 the man says no I'll tell my daddy so he buys the glove, next day same thing sure is dark in here I have a baseball bat for $30.00 so the man buys it. That night the father asks his son if he wants to play ball and he tells his father I sold all of it for $60.00 the father says you must not lie and I will take you to confession. The boy goes into the booth and says boy it's dark in here and the preacher says don't start that crap again.

2006-11-13 06:25:20 · 9 answers · asked by melbow35 2

2006-11-13 06:23:48 · 10 answers · asked by Norskeyenta 6

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, " Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.

Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"

Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says, " No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob"

2006-11-13 06:22:32 · 13 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

what kind of cheese does heroin and cocaine make?

John Belucheese (john Belushi)

2006-11-13 06:20:41 · 9 answers · asked by Jenster*is*flipping*you*off 6

Q: Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?

A: There are no dental records and all the DNA's the same!

2006-11-13 06:19:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I man asked his girlfriend to marry him.

She said no.

He went hunting, fishing, drank beer with his buddies and lived happily ever after.

2006-11-13 06:03:19 · 10 answers · asked by bethanybuilder 2

George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out fuc*king around, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my di*ck

2006-11-13 05:45:25 · 9 answers · asked by G 1

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.

Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes.

The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole."

2006-11-13 05:39:54 · 17 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug...

2006-11-13 05:29:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

or does religion get in the way of muslims being able to laugh at themselves...in the wholesome and healthy way that the rest of us do.
why is it the world seems to be teeming with jewish comedians, and yet i cant think of one funny muslim?
or is it that there are muslim comedians, but that jokes about their own faith is proscribed/taboo?

2006-11-13 05:25:59 · 7 answers · asked by catweazle 5

two gay men returning home late one evening realise they have lost their keys, so one says " i have an idea why dont we get a ladder and climb into the bedroom window?" so they go around to the shed and get the ladder and lean it on the wall, as they start to climb, the first one says "oooh i fell like a fireman", his lover replied "where are going to get one of them this time of night?"

2006-11-13 05:15:42 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

the teacher answered,No but where did you bring this question from?
the pupil said ''becos everynight i hear my father say , raise your legs Moon''

2006-11-13 05:15:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy and a girl are walking through the mall holding hands and the boy states to his girlfriend that he needs to use the restroom the girl states so do I. So the boy walks into the mens room and see's his gf walking right after him and goes into the urinal the boy states "You need a penis to work that" the girl replies" I have a penis..."

2006-11-13 04:49:58 · 15 answers · asked by I have no nickname 3

Where u see Seas without Fishes ???

Deserts without Camels??

Land without Soil ??

World without Sky??

Dont know the Answer ,, Wait for 30 mins ,, then check this question again ,, u get the answer ....

2006-11-13 04:42:26 · 22 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

Mother skunk had two young skunks. She named one In and the other Out.
They lived in a den. When In was in, Out was out. And when Out was in, In was out. Father skunk couldn’t tell the two apart, but Mother skunk could. He asked how she could tell In from Out. She replied “In stinct.”

2006-11-13 04:41:21 · 17 answers · asked by Everyman 3

a man takes his gorgeous girlfriend to the pictures, after 20 minutes of the film started she whispers into his ear " the man next to me is having a wa*k",
he smirked and said " ok shall we move to another part of the cinema then?"
she replied " i cant he is using my hand"

2006-11-13 04:39:34 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

2006-11-13 04:39:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous