Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Deck the halls-

Deck the hall with gasoline
Light a match and watch it gleam
Pop a tire, break a window

Fa la la la la ,
Fa la la la la

Jingle bells-

Jingle bells
Batman man smells
Robin laid a egg
The bat mobile lost a wheel
And Joker got a away - hey

If you got other lyrics share share-- best one gets 10 points

Justin

2006-11-10 23:38:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

on a sunday morning a rich man was killed the the police came along asked everyone what they were doing the wife was sleeping the gardener was gardening the cook cooking the butler walking the maid getting the post who did the crime

2006-11-10 23:37:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

mistake as I did. I was in a pub one night chatting to a woman and we got on fantastic. After a while she said "how would you be the father of my children". I thought wow Iv'e cracked it here. She f**ked off the next day and left me with 3




Kids!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-10 23:33:23 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Great nursery rhymes by richard digance.


Old mother hubbard
went to her cupboard
to fetch her poor doggy a bone
but when she bent over
up popped rover
and gave her a bone of his own.



sing a song of sixpence
a pocket full of rye
four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie
when the pie was opened
a shrivelled blackbird sat
saying "alright lad a jokes a joke, what rotten sod did that"



ding dong bell
p*ssy down a well
how can you tell
by the bleeding awful smell
who let it out
little tommy trout
then he had a sniff
and he thru him in again
down went the rope
down went the bucket
down went the cat
and he shouted "F*ck it".

2006-11-10 23:23:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine goes like this:

Man returning from work to wife: "Gimme a cup of tea, quick, before it starts"..

Wife: "OK, OK, relax, the tea is coming"...

Man: Quick honey, before it starts, bring that tea"...

Irritated Wife: " Hey, I said relax, will you ! Dont gimme that crap again, I said I am bringing your stupid cuppa tea, ok, so dont shout mister, what do you think I am you @#$%@ ?

Man: See, I told you, it has STARTED already !!!

2006-11-10 23:16:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, while tending bar, Morris, the bartender notices this
hideous looking fella...really ugly....at the far end of the bar
with several hot women around him.

Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he
walks down to where the ugly man is. Morris says, "Please don't
get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing
you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and,
forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've
ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly.

"Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you
because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed,
and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not your money.

"So, tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so
crazy about?"

The man paused a moment, smiled suggestively, licked his eyebrows,
and said, "I haven't the foggiest idea."

2006-11-10 23:14:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know do u

2006-11-10 23:05:53 · 19 answers · asked by talltale15 1

it is light as a feather yet man cant hold it 4 long
what is it

2006-11-10 23:05:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

for an internal check up. Doctor says "you`re still a virgin but been married three times how is that?" The woman replies , my first hubby was an astronomer , all he wanted to do was stare at it . My second husband was a psychologist , all he wanted to do was talk to it and my 3rd husband was a stamp collector.....................
God i miss him !

2006-11-10 22:59:57 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

not that i care

2006-11-10 22:55:34 · 9 answers · asked by whay i lost my ?s 6

Thumbs up or down?

A Jewish man is sitting on a train, when 3 Arab’s get into his compartment.
The Arab’s sit down, and the Jewish man is a little worried, but keeps quiet.
All is well for a little while, when one of the Arab men says “Hey JEW, go get us some coffee”. The Jewish man stands up to go get the coffee when the Arab says “take off one of your shoes and leave it here”! The Jewish man complies, and leaves to go get them some coffee.

When he returns, they take their coffee’s, and he picks up his shoe, “you Sh*t in my shoe” he said, and the Arab’s all laughed.

Another hour passes, and the Arab says “Hey Jew, go get us another coffee, and leave your other shoe”, not wanting any trouble, the Jew complied, left his shoe, and went to get the coffee.

He returns with the coffee, gives it to them, and picks up the other shoe “You sh*t in both my shoes”! At which the Arab’s start laughing again.

(continued below)

2006-11-10 22:43:42 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John
suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed
there.
David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the
pool and pulled John out.

The medical director learned of David's heroic act. He immediately
ordered that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he
considered

David to be OK.

The doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David. The
good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
regained
your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient
you
must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you
saved
hanged
himself in the bathroom, and died."
David was quiet for a moment. Then he replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang
himself. I hung him there to
dry!"

2006-11-10 22:42:53 · 9 answers · asked by asdf 1

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug
named after a part of my own ass, okay?"

Denis Leary.

2006-11-10 22:41:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need some help with being entertained...I'm gonna be on this computer all day voting, so any thing thats happened to you thats funny would be great. anything in fact. jokes...anything lol

2006-11-10 22:32:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

While exploring the wild highlands of Scotland, Crazy Rob was captured by hostile wood fairies.

Smazze, the powerful chief of the fairies told him he could make one final statement which would determine how he would die.

If the statement he made was false, he would be boiled in water.

If the statement were true, he would be fried in oil.

Crazy Rob found neither of this options too his liking, so he made a statement that got him out of this seemingly impossible situation.

What is the one statement he could make to save himself?

2006-11-10 21:56:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-10 21:42:37 · 10 answers · asked by bob t 1

answer my last one or just give me a load of flak. Other words for Vagina please. BRENTS

2006-11-10 21:28:31 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Wife reads an article, "Wow !! A bull can have sex 3000 a year. I wish you could do the same."

Husband replies, "ask the Bull whether if Fuks the same Cow ?"

2006-11-10 21:04:19 · 13 answers · asked by krish 1

a riddle, but how many words do you know (that these b*******s will let you print) for the word Vagina. PS don't take the piss out him in the shi----, ooops sorry WhiteHouse they wont print it. Trust me I tried, signed Bin Laden ah s**t bach rgkfeulcwke;s. ALLAH, good job it's a lap top.

2006-11-10 20:50:46 · 24 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Only change there under pants and socks once a week. How stinky is that

2006-11-10 20:45:05 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

8,1,6
3,5,7
4,9,2

2006-11-10 20:37:42 · 13 answers · asked by G-Man 3

if a recruiter from every branch of service, marines navy air force army, were stranded in the desert and only one could make it out alive who would it be?

2006-11-10 20:32:49 · 11 answers · asked by kittylover3558 1

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standingright behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."

"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

2006-11-10 20:15:17 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

2006-11-10 20:06:08 · 22 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-11-10 20:02:46 · 25 answers · asked by jeffy373 1

If a vodka mixed with orange juice is a "screwdriver", would a vodka mixed with castor oil be a "piledriver"?

2006-11-10 19:47:42 · 13 answers · asked by sonic412781 2

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:

"Father,it has been one month since my last confession. I

've had sex withFannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."



Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession.

I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."



This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.



Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

2006-11-10 19:42:42 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l- like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." initially, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office.

"You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a c-c-copy o-o-of th-th-th-the b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w- w-w-would y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

Have a nice weekend!

2006-11-10 19:42:05 · 13 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the muffler..."

2006-11-10 19:27:26 · 14 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2006-11-10 19:16:44 · 25 answers · asked by *azure* 2