Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

In the Garden of Eden,
as everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
without any clothes.

In this garden,
were two little leaves,
one covered Adam's,
one covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
the wind came along,
and blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
started to rise.

They found a spot,
that suited them best,
a nice big tree,
where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
and wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
and filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
and now it is time,
for me and you.

So pull down your pants,
and lay in the grass,
because I'm in the mood,
for a piece of that ***!

2006-11-10 11:40:58 · 7 answers · asked by lilmisslouievuitton 2

so this guy goes sky diving, and before he jumps off, a rabai tells him, "If you're in trouble just say 'Help me Allah' "

The guy appreciates his advice and jumps off.

Finally, after a few minutes he begins to pull his parachute.
It doesn't work so he calls for ALLAH

"Help Me Allah, HELP me Allah, HELP ME ALLH!"
then a hand comes out and slowly brings the guy down to the ground...

as he gets near the ground, the man says "Thank GOD!"
and gets squashed by allahs hand.

2006-11-10 11:40:14 · 7 answers · asked by Fresh_N_Seksi 1

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

2006-11-10 11:26:34 · 13 answers · asked by lilmisslouievuitton 2

According to the biblical story

2006-11-10 11:18:45 · 7 answers · asked by Agnon L 5

There were three birds on the branch of a tree...And a hunter came and shooted with his gun to the birds and he killed one of three birds..Then he got it and went far from there.How many birds did on the branch remain?

2006-11-10 11:13:07 · 9 answers · asked by CLOSED. 1

Fifteen years ago I was working construction, and putting in up to 80 hrs per week. My wife was working as a waitress, and doing a split shift, which required her to be awake from 4 a.m. til about 9at night.Needless to say we were more then a little tired all the time, but neither of us knew just how tired until one day while I was eating my lunch I took a big bite out of my sandwich and it just didn't feel right in my mouth, so I opened it, and there between the bread slices was the picture of the ham from the package that she had opened that morning, no meat, just the picture. Does anyone else have a funny story thats true?

2006-11-10 11:06:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

In class the other day we were talking about condos, and this girl said, "yeah, my grandmother has a condom in China" we were laughing so hard. we couldn't believe whe didn't know what the difference between a condom and a condo was!!

2006-11-10 10:51:03 · 19 answers · asked by joe c 3

2006-11-10 10:37:18 · 10 answers · asked by brian l 2

(Sung to the tune "Deck The Halls")

Deck the malls this Christmas season,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Blow your cash for no good reason,
fa la la la la, la la la la
Push your charge card to it's limit
fa la la, la la la, la la la
Your check book now has nothing in it.
fa la la la la, la la la la.

---

(Sung to the tune "Jingle Bells")

Dashing through the snow in my rusty Chevrolet.
Down the road I go, sliding all the way.
I need new piston rings. I need some new snow tires.
My car is held together by a piece of chicken wire!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

I went to IGA to get some Christmas cheer.
I just passed up my left front tire and it's gettin' hard to steer.
Speeding down the highway, right past the county cops.
I have to drag my swampers just to get the car to stop.

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusty Chevrolet!

Bouncing through the snowdrifts in a big, blue cloud of smoke.
People laugh as I drive by; I wonder what's the joke!
I have to get to Wal-Mart to pick up my layaway,
Cause Santa's comin' soon in his big, old, rusty sleigh!

Oh, rust and smoke, the heater's broke, the door just blew away.
I light a match to see the dash and then I start to pray-ay.
The frame is bent, the muffler went, the radio's okay.
Oh, what fun it is to drive this rusttttttttty Chevroooooooleeeeeet!

2006-11-10 10:35:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

We have taller buildings, but shortertempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less;we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smallerfamilies; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but lesscommon sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems;more medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh toolittle, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up tootired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, butreduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We'velearned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, notlife to years.

We've been all the way to the moon andback, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We've conquered outer space, but notinner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned upthe air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but

not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.



We've learned to rush, but not to wait;we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; moreacquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold moreinformation, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication;we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the time of fast foods andslow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits, and shallowrelationships.

These are the times of world peace, butdomestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but lessnutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but moredivorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips,disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies,and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time whenthere is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.

2006-11-10 10:17:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse?


See if you can answer this?

2006-11-10 10:17:23 · 11 answers · asked by Maninblack 1

Believe it or not, these are REAL 911 calls...

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

And the winner is . . . . . .


Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn......
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.

2006-11-10 10:10:36 · 14 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs look at your eyes.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch

(and they never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

You can train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

2006-11-10 10:09:09 · 18 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

Your the bus driver. 300 people get on the bus. 290 get off. 2 get on. 15 get off. 78.3 get on. 6.5 get off. 340 get on.
Now answer these three questions.
How many people are on the bus?
What color hair does the bus driver have?
What color hair do you have?

2006-11-10 10:04:31 · 11 answers · asked by M&M 2

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana, Jack got high and dropped his fly and said "do you wanna? Jill said yes and dropped her dress and then they had some fun. Jill forgot the fricken pill and then they had a son. Lol i made it up rate it on a scal of one to ten one of you will get a best answer and when your done type in a joke for your source so more people can think your funny the person who has the most honest rating and has the funnist joke to me i will give them the best answer for 10 points! good luck, be honest and think of your funniest jokes ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-10 09:53:05 · 7 answers · asked by tyler. 4

Whats greater than God, eviler than the devil, the rich need it, the poor have it, and if u eat it u die?

I have heard this one before, but i forgot the anwer

2006-11-10 09:52:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-10 09:47:36 · 8 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2006-11-10 09:45:28 · 13 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

It has hair
you put it in a part of your body
sometimes slowly
sometimes quickly
you make sounds
when you use it
it leaves white stuff behind
red when it hurts you
stop take a break
then it goes back in
ready for some
more accion


and it's: a toothbrush! what were you thinking you perv.

2006-11-10 09:42:35 · 7 answers · asked by mistery person 3

what did the five fingers say to the face if [[if someone already says something dont put it again]]

2006-11-10 09:42:25 · 21 answers · asked by baby girl 326 2

get an # between 1 and 100

times 2 +10

divide by 2 and - the # you thaut of in the first place

your answer is 5

2006-11-10 09:22:48 · 14 answers · asked by (DT)Hawk Eye 2

. . . the unemployed !

I love that joke, got anymore like it?

2006-11-10 09:18:33 · 21 answers · asked by Yeah yeah yeah 5

A man, his wife and mother-in law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for £5000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend £5000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and spend only £150?" The man said, "Jesus died here over 2000 years ago. He was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

2006-11-10 09:14:45 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-11-10 09:14:04 · 17 answers · asked by G 3

Best one will get "best answer"!! god luck... .. and come on.. make them funny!!!

2006-11-10 09:11:50 · 57 answers · asked by R M 1

2006-11-10 09:10:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What's the next number? 5 48 95 165 207
2. What's white, blue, and red all over?

2006-11-10 09:07:38 · 12 answers · asked by mistery person 3

If a black widow was the size of the dog how powerful would the venom be to a man with one bite and how quick would it kill a man. lol

2006-11-10 09:06:12 · 19 answers · asked by Geone 2

the english guy says after ive made love to my wife she actually floats a foot above the bed, the scottish guy says after ive had sex with mine she floats two foot above the bed and the irish guy says after ive made love to my wife i wipe my dick in the curtains and she hits the f7cking roof.

2006-11-10 09:05:09 · 15 answers · asked by ........ 3

2006-11-10 09:02:09 · 6 answers · asked by SighSai 1