Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-10 19:11:46 · 16 answers · asked by wjb 3

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything is numbered.

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think the file clerks are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and *** are interchangeable."

2006-11-10 19:02:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old biddies were talking about their lives with their husbands since moving to a nursing home. They both agreed that life was good, but Ethel was rather upset because her sex life had really died. Mildred said that her sex life was great.
"The secret to great sex is this," Mildred couseled Ethel. "When my Sammy is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lie on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that, he gets so excited we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"
While Ethel's husband Harold is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
It's not too long before her Harold comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, he yells, "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an asshole!"

2006-11-10 18:54:47 · 19 answers · asked by sexylove1_2008 2

please explain it carefully....da one i can really understand....ok?
tnx 4 ur concern

2006-11-10 18:47:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe you know, maybe you don't...

2006-11-10 18:44:29 · 10 answers · asked by funkbomber 2

to see what was on the other side.

2006-11-10 18:28:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ablonde and a brunette jump of a cliff which one hits the ground first.





the brunette because the blond has to stop and ask for directions

2006-11-10 18:12:24 · 14 answers · asked by bloodredslasher 1

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets.
So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.
The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up.
He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."
The guards let him in without hesitation. While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also. The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

2006-11-10 18:11:14 · 31 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man named Sam had been in the newspaper business for 25 years when he finally became sick of the stress. So he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door... He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me!"

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta warn you though, there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people.
Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again!"

Once again Enoch turns from the door... "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"

Enoch stops in the door one last time and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

2006-11-10 18:11:02 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-11-10 17:51:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Where do you grow children?
A: At kindergarten :)

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

What is the hardest thing to throw away?

Good luck! :)

2006-11-10 17:48:35 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

No one touches the glass, adds water, or goes to the bathroom in it. How did it fill up?

2006-11-10 17:32:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

eat bugers
and if you dont
do you eat nuts

2006-11-10 17:14:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

2006-11-10 17:05:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel"
2nd guy: You are lucky, mine's still alive."

2006-11-10 17:03:13 · 2 answers · asked by KK 2

... and an a_ss is a donkey, then why is a ram in the a_ss a goose?

2006-11-10 17:02:52 · 4 answers · asked by yanbarumuku 3

A blonde man showed up for work 1 day w/ A black eye.When his co-workers saw him they asked him what happened.He told them it happened at church.They didn't believe him & wanted to know what really happened.So he told them"I went to church & I got on my knees & prayed & when I got up to sing in front of me was the biggest woman I've ever seen.She had A wedgie so,being the gentleman I am,I pulled it out for her.She did'nt like that & she hit me"The guys laughed & ribbed him out all day.The next week he showed up to work & his entire face was black & blue.Again the guys asked him what happened & he said it happened at church.Again they didn't believe him so he explained"I went to church, & I got on my knees & prayed & when I got up to sing the same big woman was in front of me & she,again,had A wedgie"At this point the other men interupted & said"Please tell us you didn't pull out her wedgie again?"No,the guy standing beside me did,& I knew she didn't like that so I shoved it back in."

2006-11-10 16:52:52 · 7 answers · asked by Daddy's Girl 2

2006-11-10 16:50:43 · 19 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

First, ring for finger, then noose for the neck...

2006-11-10 16:22:50 · 23 answers · asked by Electric 7

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws



1. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


2. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


4. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it ... well, except that it should be for the other foot.


5. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time ... on a hill .. in the fog.


6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.


7. A shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


8. Remember: When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


9. Flashlight: A carrying case for dead batteries

2006-11-10 15:53:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies.

A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven."

"What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching on Wednesday."

2006-11-10 15:48:48 · 12 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

First, ring for finger, then noose for the neck...

2006-11-10 15:21:57 · 10 answers · asked by Electric 7

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Asian sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ***.

2006-11-10 15:07:14 · 26 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Because seven ate nine

2006-11-10 14:57:43 · 1 answers · asked by Fireman T 6

no offense but i just wanna know some

2006-11-10 14:55:30 · 2 answers · asked by Hottie 1

Little Suzy was playing in the barn while her daddy was doing some work there. She excitedly called her daddy over to see two spiders she had found. One spider was mounted over the other.
"Daddy, what kind of spiders are these and why are they hugging onto each other?"
"Well, that there spider is a daddy-long -legs."
A knowledgle farm child, Suzy says, "Oh, so the one on top is a daddy-long-legs and the one on the bottom is a mommy-long-legs."
"Well, not really, honey. They are both called daddy-long-legs."
Little Suzy jumped up and began stomping on the spiders.
"We ain't gonna have none of that Brokeback Mountain **** here!"
*********

2006-11-10 14:50:10 · 2 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A penguin rushes into a bar. "Quick, has anyone seen my dad?" he asks.

"Don't know son", says the barman, "what does he look like?"

2006-11-10 14:45:03 · 62 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

its a riddle for her class.

2006-11-10 14:44:22 · 23 answers · asked by beautifulsoul26 1

2006-11-10 14:43:17 · 21 answers · asked by Justice W 1

Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven
for judgment.
At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "Since you've been such a good
man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for
a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question
for Him."
St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
Mr. Honda then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?"
God Said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am".
"Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your design;
1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2- It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and have excessive wobble.
4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and I
don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs.

"Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee
look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things
and waited for the results.
After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems
to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
invention than yours."

2006-11-10 14:42:19 · 16 answers · asked by hhfe 2