Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

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2006-10-03 01:22:40 · 7 answers · asked by kevin.grady 1

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.
He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of SECS..

2006-10-03 01:20:46 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your *****.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection!
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, no love!

2006-10-03 01:19:25 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

2006-10-03 01:17:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

2006-10-03 01:07:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2006-10-03 01:07:02 · 11 answers · asked by Electric 7

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except Martinez, who had his hand up, "Patrick Henry 1775."

"Very Good"! Who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth? "

Again, no response except for Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." he said.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do".

She heard a loud whisper. "Screw the Mexicans" "Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie. 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said. "I'm gonna puke".

The teacher glares, and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister. 1991"

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this! "

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky. 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. if you say anything I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. and as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in Big trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003"

2006-10-03 00:57:22 · 16 answers · asked by Electric 7

Queen Elizabeth, Bush & Musharraf died & went straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England , I want to call England and see how
e verybody is doing there. She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then
she asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Five million dollars" She wrote him a cheque and went
to sit back on her chair.

Bush was soo jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the
United States , I want to see how everybody is doing there too".
He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked "Well,devil
how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Ten million dollars". With a smug look on his face,
he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Musharraf was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to callPakistan
too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody
of my Parliament".....

He called Pakistan and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked&
talked & talked, then he asked "Well, devil how much do I owe you????

The devil says "Twenty dollars".

Musharraf is stunned & says "Twenty dollars??? Only ??"

The devil says "Well if you make a call from one hell to another hell,
it's local"

2006-10-03 00:54:33 · 15 answers · asked by Maid Angela 7

Woman goes to doctors and say's to him " I'm looking for advice on enlarging my boobs"

The doctor looks at her and say's " Get a large piece of loo paper and rub it up and down between them"

She reply's "Will this help them get really large"

The doctor reply's " Guess so, look what it has done to you bottom"

2006-10-03 00:42:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer he'll show him a trick he'll never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bar's piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rat's piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

"Are you nuts?" the bartender asks. "That frog could be worth a fortune to you."

"Don't be so sure," the customer says. "The rat's a ventriloquist."

2006-10-03 00:34:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
...........................................................................................................

2006-10-03 00:31:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

It finally all makes sense .... i never looked at it this way B4 :MENtal illness, MENstual cramps, MENtal break down, MENopause, GUYnocologist and when we have real trouble its a HISterectomy Ever noticed how all womens problems start with men? brighten up your girlfreind text this on your phone

2006-10-03 00:25:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The smallest person on the british isles was one Archie Colon-Comma who was five and a half inches tall, and who tragically drowned in a Pot Noodle.

(For Americans and other magical creatures, please google Pot Noodle.)

2006-10-03 00:20:16 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter decided that he would saw the legs off their bed. The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few jerks.
The dentist would not tell the others what he had done, simply suggesting that his gag would be a memorable one.
The wedding and reception went as planned. A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter which read as follows.
'Dear friends,
We didn't mind the bed legs being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But, I swear, I'm going to kill the b*sta*d who put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly.'
("Novocain" is a local anesthetic that produces a loss of feeling and u all know what is KY Jelly)

2006-10-03 00:15:09 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

There once was a boy named Joey...

2006-10-02 23:45:34 · 10 answers · asked by RIDLEY 6

ONE: :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

TWO:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

THREE:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

FOUR:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

FIVE:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

SIX:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

SEVEN: :
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

EIGHT: :
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

NINE: :
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

TEN: :
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

2006-10-02 23:34:08 · 13 answers · asked by al p 3

Today's Joke:

Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony,
two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into
the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later
they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her
repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had
gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and
electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he
had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and
stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to
bits.

Here's hoping your day is better than any of these.

2006-10-02 23:07:54 · 7 answers · asked by al p 3

You are driving your car in a windy night. And in the bustand you see three persons. A oldman who is sick and is about to die, a best friend which you meet after a long year gap, a perfect mate which you are searching for. In this instance you can only take one person at a time. But notice that the old sick man is about to die, the perfect lover may be never seen again. Whom will you take in the car? Is it the old sick man or best friend or your lover.

2006-10-02 23:04:14 · 12 answers · asked by krlional_robin 2

2006-10-02 22:56:34 · 4 answers · asked by GOOCH 4

wen i was born....

2006-10-02 22:56:09 · 9 answers · asked by Ricky raj 2

2006-10-02 22:02:22 · 36 answers · asked by jane? 1

2006-10-02 21:58:17 · 20 answers · asked by lozzi_pop22 4

What has rivers but no water, cities but no buildings and forests but no trees?


First right answer gets the 10 points :)

2006-10-02 21:53:29 · 13 answers · asked by ~Lover of Women~ 1

2006-10-02 21:35:13 · 26 answers · asked by au4u45 1

http://www.indranet.com/potpourri/humor/curiousgeorgew.html

2006-10-02 21:33:20 · 12 answers · asked by pureessence 2

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.

2006-10-02 20:57:03 · 18 answers · asked by chinadoll31645 3

His Mouth moves and sounds come out. How many agree??

2006-10-02 20:51:01 · 20 answers · asked by lilleablue 2

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

2006-10-02 20:44:05 · 9 answers · asked by chinadoll31645 3

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

2006-10-02 20:35:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Your silence puts me to sleep
Your breath warms my face
Take your hand and poke my side
In turn I will state your case.

What am I?

2006-10-02 20:33:03 · 17 answers · asked by slider 1