Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. All of the sudden bride's and groom's families had a storming rage wrecking the reception room.
Finally police get called in.
Next week, all members appeared in court. The fight continues in the court, the Judge finally brings calm by shouting "Silence."
The court room goes silent and Paddy stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I can explain what happened."
The Judge agrees, Paddy begins telling that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the 1st dance with the Bride.
The judge "OK."
"After I had finished the 1st dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, then to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates" Said Paddy.
The Judge instantly responded. "Ow.. that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

2006-10-02 19:46:11 · 22 answers · asked by Pd 6

An infinite number of rednecks, in an infinite number of pickup trucks, firing an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs, will produce all the great works of literature - in braille - Stephen Webb

2006-10-02 19:40:50 · 10 answers · asked by Doc Watson 7

2006-10-02 19:33:41 · 8 answers · asked by MissChatea 4

Your silence puts me to sleep
Your breath warms my face
Take your hand and push my button
In turn I will state your case.

What am I?

2006-10-02 19:30:43 · 11 answers · asked by slider 1

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What do you call a nun that passed law school?
A: Sister-in-law!

Hehe. And here is today's question:

Why is it not a good idea to swallow a frog?

Have fun! :)

2006-10-02 19:30:26 · 21 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

First one with the right number gets 10 points.

2006-10-02 19:26:45 · 11 answers · asked by morningstar 3

What's a lightbulb?

2006-10-02 19:16:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man : what is a million years like to you?
God : Like a second.
Man : what is a million dollar like to you?
God : like a penny.
Man : can I have a penny?
God : just a second…

2006-10-02 19:14:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok read this and tell me what you think? lol what a smart man!

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after a night at a business
function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed.

Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order,
Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,

2006-10-02 19:13:21 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

2006-10-02 19:12:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you

2006-10-02 19:10:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you come up with a question so dumb or so stupid that it doesn't need a punch line? That the question is the joke itself?

Stephen Wright is a master at this.

You guys got any to add here?

2006-10-02 19:06:40 · 3 answers · asked by Doc Watson 7

An angry husband returned home one night to find his wife in bed with a naked man. 'What are you doing' he shouted. To which his wife said to her lover 'I told you he was stupid.

2006-10-02 19:03:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a teen age kid goes up to his dad and asks 'em if he would buy him a car, the dad replys" can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the kid says "no". the dad says "well theres your answer".
the next day the kid asks his dad if he would play ball with him, once again his dad replys "can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the kid says no and walks away.
the next day comes and they're sitting at the table eating breakfast. the kid asks his dad to pass him the salt, the dad says "can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the kid grins and says "yes, it does", so his dad says to him "well then go f*ck yourself"


please dont shoot the messanger

2006-10-02 18:58:24 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

2006-10-02 18:47:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love animals, they taste great.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

The Earth Is Full -- Go Home

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me

Honk If Anything Falls Off

Post any that you have. I will give 10 pts to the funniest one.

2006-10-02 18:45:30 · 19 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

I'm so ugly that my reflection stains the stainless steel in my kitchen sink!

Okay, give it your best shot. How ugly can you be?

2006-10-02 18:31:15 · 24 answers · asked by Doc Watson 7

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is golf

The Astounding Conclusion is: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your b-a-l-l-s become.

2006-10-02 18:24:43 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

i got one. its kinda vulger.
theres two guys ship wrecked on an island. one suggests to the other that they should have sex. so the guy thinks about it and then agrees, but says he wants to go first. so the guy gets behind him and he starts rubbn and kissing his neck, the dude taking it pushes him off and says " hey, none of that ***** sh;t"

its better if i tell you in person

2006-10-02 18:24:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.

The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.

The second guy says "Say, we're about evenly matched, what about we play for a five a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms.

Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church, to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money.

The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

2006-10-02 18:21:43 · 17 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A man was sitting at a table in the back of the bar with a friend.

He walked up to the bartender and bet him $50 that he could lick his ear.

Now the bartender knew this guy had been drinking quite a bit with his friend and was probably drunk but he decided he could use the fifty bucks so he told the man it was a deal.

The man reached around and pulled his ear lobe to his mouth and licked it. Now the bartender was awed. He handed the man $50 and asked how he did that.

The man said "I have a rubber ear" he ordered another beer and went back to his table.

About a half hour later the man came back up to the bar and said "Hey bartender, I bet you $50 I can lick my eye."

The bartender said, "ok you're on" So the man pulled his eye out and licked it and put it back in. The bartender was stunned and demanded to know how the man did it.

The man replied "I have a glass eye."

The bartender said fair is fair, here's you fifty bucks."

About an hour later the same man came up to the bar and said to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I bet you $200 that you can put a shot glass at one end of the bar and i can stand at the other end of the bar and p-i-s-s into that shot glass without getting a single drop on your bar."

Now by this time the bartender knew that the man was drunk and saw an opportunity to get his money back and some, so he agreed. He placed the shot glass at the end of the bar.

The man stood at the other end of the bar and pissed all over the bar.....not a single drop made it to the shot glass.

The bartender was wiping up the mess laughing his *** off. He asked the man "Now, why did you do that when you were up $100."

The drunk man smiled pointed at the table in the back and said "do you see that man over there?"

The bartender said "Yes"

"Well I bet him $1,000 that I could p-i-s-s all over your bar and you would clean it up with a smile!"

2006-10-02 18:00:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggie says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

2006-10-02 17:56:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was my first threesome.

2006-10-02 17:54:49 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to the store and asked the female cashier behind the counter, "Do you have any chocolate ice cream?" The cashier replies, "No we are out of chocolate ice cream." So the man asks, "Can I get a gallon of chocolate ice cream?" The cashier says, "No! we are out of chocolate ice cream." The man asks, 'Can I get a half gallon of chocalate ice cream." The cashier, getting frustrated, says "No! we are out of it." The man asks, "Can I get a pint of chocolate ice cream?" So the cashier says, "Sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?" He says, "Yes! V-a-n." The cashier says, "Can you spell the straw in strawberry?" He says, "Yes, S-t-r-a-w." The cashier says, "Can you spell the f*** in chocolate?" The man thinks and says, "Hey! there is no f*** in chocolate!" The cashier says, "Right! That's what I been trying to tell you! There is no f***in chocolate!"

2006-10-02 17:44:35 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

redneck:the paper speaks for it self

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

2006-10-02 17:42:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep.

However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

2006-10-02 17:35:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-02 17:25:03 · 5 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

Every time I call a centre for any product or service the operator will say,

"umm, ok, Bear with me!"

Now I like bears, don't get me wrong, I still have my first teddy bear. But why do these damned bears always interrupt? Are they in management or something? Do they ask the operator a question when I call in, what makes the bears so Bl**** special, and does anybody know one who works in a call centre, there certainly seems to be a lot of them as far as I can determine!!

2006-10-02 17:22:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

When she jumps up, I yell down syndrome, down syndrome and people get upset?

My other dog is called spots and people get upset when I yell come spots.

2006-10-02 17:21:34 · 17 answers · asked by al p 3

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."

2006-10-02 16:50:58 · 16 answers · asked by bobtraskjr 1