Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing you haven't already told her twice. :-l

I know, I know...

2006-10-02 16:35:02 · 20 answers · asked by yumyum 6

He boned her. And, since Halloween is just around the corner- anyone care to share the one skeleton you have hiding in your closet?

2006-10-02 16:18:09 · 15 answers · asked by waterboy 1

Last week i pick up a Hitchiker on my way to my graveyard shift job. She seem to be normal other the fact she was caryying a large dufflebag. When i asked her what was in the bag she replyed "None of your F*n business!" So i didnt think twice. i keept on driving then my curious mind needed to know. i ask again then she once replyed "None of your F*n business!" So kind of started to get a little frustrated. So pulled up to the police station and yelled this time and again she said "None of your F*n business!" So i grabbed her and she ran away but i managed to pull the bag from her...
That was one crazy as night, so no one ever pick up a hitchiker, ever!!!!!!

2006-10-02 16:07:22 · 12 answers · asked by dfksone 2

2006-10-02 16:06:03 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doesn't It Annoy You When...

1. ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out? 5. ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

7. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get o# ut.

2006-10-02 15:43:05 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anybody know any jokes that starts out like: a nun, a priest, and another person walk into a bar.....
I've always heard those begginings, but never heard any actual jokes, do you know any?

2006-10-02 15:38:28 · 5 answers · asked by jenny s 2

lol, is this how u get when u get drunk?


Top ten signs that you are too drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

2006-10-02 15:34:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed.

"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.

"Yes, I do," the patient replied.

"Very well, then," the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"

"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

2006-10-02 15:31:34 · 2 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

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Did you know that 80% of Stanford students could not find the error above?

2006-10-02 15:30:46 · 18 answers · asked by april_lujano 3

I recently returned from a trip. Today is Thursday. I returned three days before the day after the day before tomorrow. On what day did I return?

2006-10-02 15:16:49 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are four guys, three of them walk into the bar... the fourth one ducks... do ya get it? I thought it was funny

2006-10-02 15:15:59 · 27 answers · asked by Seantell 2

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2006-10-02 15:14:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK then, come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said,
"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"

2006-10-02 15:13:02 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Sorry I'm just really bored. lol

2006-10-02 14:32:20 · 24 answers · asked by Sonya 5

A hunter who hunts
and shoots with bow and arrows
not for hate but love.

2006-10-02 14:27:18 · 14 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

An English gentleman travelled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend. Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes. Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store.


"Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"


The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street.


The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"


The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."


From the back room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?"


The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."


The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"

2006-10-02 14:26:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

cause he thinks that because of the smoke that the chimney throws (the smoke makes him sweat) its going to make him squinier
get it i really didn't get it at the begginig

2006-10-02 14:02:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

i start with e and end with e. but i only have one letter. what am i??
an envelope!!

2006-10-02 13:58:09 · 15 answers · asked by kenzers 1

I know what it means in every sense, but when you say chocolate balls, why do people laugh when you just say those 2 words?

ur opinions please

2006-10-02 13:25:19 · 24 answers · asked by Vanessa L 2

because the wind started messing their hair-do and they turn off the fan.

2006-10-02 13:22:15 · 21 answers · asked by GUAPOMOZZ 3

englishman, irishman and scotsman are all being held captive. they have one last request before they all die. the irishman asks for a pint of guinness and downs it- then they kill him. then the scotsman asks for a glass of brandy and downs that-then they kill him too. they ask the englishman what he wants. he asks for a slice of bread. his captives all look at each other puzzled. then they give him the bread. he rolls it up and puts it down the front of his underpants. then he takes it out and shows it to his captives. "let him go" they all cry. "why" asks another. "because..."

five points to whoever knows the punchline.

2006-10-02 13:13:16 · 16 answers · asked by tjyf j 1

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (surprise!).

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose two geese, so one moose, two meese? Doesn't it seem crazy, that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S. Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

2006-10-02 13:06:02 · 12 answers · asked by blahhblahhhblahahh 4

What is the next letter in the sequence ottffss_?

2006-10-02 13:05:11 · 8 answers · asked by Kevin RM 1

Points to the one who can get this right. I cant remember what percentage of students it was, but a lot of college graduates could not figure this out, can you?

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2006-10-02 13:01:34 · 32 answers · asked by O00-ACE-00O 3

2006-10-02 12:58:48 · 16 answers · asked by JackiePaper 1

Hint:my state state horse is the Thouroughbred.First one to get it right AND explain how they found it out get 10 points!

2006-10-02 12:39:41 · 9 answers · asked by Warum liebst du mich? 2

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good s**t."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s**t, what the hell happened?"

Bonus: 26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ***. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it too

2006-10-02 12:37:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

My friend is feeling kind of down,and i would like to cheer him up.If you know any really funny ones,please share!:)Thank you in advance!

2006-10-02 12:35:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i wanna hear some good worth while jokes...the best one will get 10 pnts

2006-10-02 12:30:27 · 6 answers · asked by harmonieclark 4

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND."
-US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop.

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." -Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT." -Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED." -US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO." -Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS."
-Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID." -David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH." -Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION."
-Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE." -Anon

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU." -Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

2006-10-02 12:26:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous