Does anyone know any really funny jokes?

Question

My friend is feeling kind of down,and i would like to cheer him up.If you know any really funny ones,please share!:)Thank you in advance!

These are awesome.Keep 'em comin' if possible!:)

Answer 1

WHY DID TIGGER FALL INTO THE TOILET....................
HE WAS LOOKING FOR POO

Answer 2

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Answer 3

I am a TERRIBLE joke teller but I have always liked these. Hope your friend can manage a smile! (Couple of adult-ish ones here - sorry!)
Cheers.

What’s the definition of a mistress?
Something in-between a mister and a mattress.

A man phones the local police station and asks the sergeant if any lunatics have escaped from jail recently.
The sergeant says there hasn't but asks the man why he would ask.
The man replies "because someone has ran off with my wife."

One night little Johnny was walking by his parents bedroom and he saw them having sex. The next day he asked his mother why she was bouncing up and down on daddy like that.
"Well Johnny, daddy gets too much air in his big tummy and mummy bounces on it to try and make it go down”.
Well little Johnny thought about this for awhile. His mother realized that he didn’t seem all that happy with the answer.
"Johnny, is there something else you wondered about?”
"Not really mum, it’s just that seems a bit silly to try to squish dad’s tummy like that. I mean, what with the neighbour lady from next door coming over every day and trying to blow it back up again...”

Why was Eeyore looking in the toilet?
He was trying to find Poo.

Why did the cucumber blush?
He saw the salad dressing.

Answer 4

Okay here goes:
There was Four Men Friends that went golfing one day.
They got to the golf course and one of the guys went to go pay the bill and the other three went to go tee off.

The first guy says to the other two " My son is doing so well in life he is a contractor and builds houses and he is so successfull that he gave a friend a house for free"

The Second guy say to the other " Well my son is doing well also he is a car salesman. and he is so successfull he gave his friend two new cars as a present"

The third guy says to the others " Well my son is doing so well he is a stock investment broker and he gave his friend a stock portfolio as a present"

Just about that time the fourth guy walks over to his three friends and the first guy asks him how his son was doing. and the fourth guy replies " Well not so good he just told me that he was gay but he must be really good at what he does cause his last three boyfriends gave him a new house two cars and a stock portfolio.

Answer 5

i found this at the e-mail junkyard and thought u might like it.

Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. - The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a women has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for "no-strings-attached sex". Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.

Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before -- just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" -- apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims.

For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages

Answer 6

Perfect day for a woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs & kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice & croissants.
9.15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo & comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Spot ex-boyfriend's wife, notice she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage.
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love for 30 minutes non-stop.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching & cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 Alarm.
6:01 Oral sex.
6:15 In the toilet with the Sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast & coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch: Two dozen oysters on the half shell & three Heinekens.
12:15 More oral sex.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish four under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport with two Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless all-female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1,249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac & Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Sex with twin 18 year-old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage & Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

Answer 7

>Girl's Night Out
>
>
>The other night I was invited out for a night with
>"the girls." I told my husband that I would be
>home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours
>passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
>Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
>Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall
>started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
>Realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
>another 9 times.
>I was really proud of myself for coming up with such
>a quick-witted solution,
>in order to escape a possible
>conflict with him. Even when totally
>smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
>The next morning my husband asked me what time I
>got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem
>pissed off at all.
>Whew! Got away with that one!
>Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
>When I asked him why? he said, "Well, last night
>our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh ****.",
>cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed
>another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice
>more, and then tripped over the coffee table and
>farted."

Answer 8

You seem like a good friend. I don't know if you have heard of this before...but anyhow, good luck!

The Mexican Kid...

Three kids are in school...a Mexican, a White, and a Black...
The
teacher tells them to make a sentence with liver and cheese.
White child says:
My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich with all my favorite
ingredients and it was sooo delightful...
Very generous of my mother I must say"
Black child says:
"My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and
she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver..."
Mexican child says:
"Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress so I told
the vatos
"Hey Cabron!! Liver alone. Cheese my Sister!!!"

Answer 9

Reol m had me cracking up... 2 test tickles

Answer 10

Did you hear about the new paint on the market?
It's called Blonde, it's not very bright, but it spreads easy!!

Answer 11

I know this is kinda weird...and cheesy but its like the only one I know.........

why is 6 afraid of 7.......because 7 8 9

get it!!!! HA HA!