Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

The pope has it but does not use it.
You father has it but your mother uses it.
Nuns dont need it.
Arnold Schwarzennegar has a big one.
Micheal J. Foxx has a small one


Get you mind out the gutter people!!!

2006-10-02 07:35:02 · 23 answers · asked by I_Taste_Like_Candi 2

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

2006-10-02 07:33:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

2006-10-02 07:26:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.) Get a brown,cardboardbox.
2.) Get a purple,orange and turquiose house paint.
3.) Paint the box orange.
4.) Paint on purple spots.
5.) Paint on turquiose stripes.
7.) Turn it upside down.
8.) Lie on your side.

2006-10-02 07:24:53 · 13 answers · asked by I_Taste_Like_Candi 2

on christmas eve a man wanted to buy his gf a nice pet to show to her on christmas morning so he went to a pet shop and saw a parrot named chet and the owner came out of the back and said this bird is very speacial the man said how so?... the owner lit a match put it under chets right foot and chet sand jingle bells until the match went out then tho owner put one under hit left foot and he sang deck the halls the man said ill take him
so he took him home and hid him in the garage until christmas morning and showed chet to his gf she said wow what can he do the man said watch this he lit a match put it under right foot and chet sang jingle bells he did it again with left foot except he sang deck the halls and the man said hmmmmm... i wonder what would happen if i put a match in the middle and he did and chet sang chets nuts roasting on an open fire!

2006-10-02 07:22:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father walks in on his teenage son, while the son is, shall we say, "going solo." The dad yells, "Son, stop that! Don't you know that can cause blindness??"

The son replies, "Uh, Dad, I'm over here."

2006-10-02 07:16:44 · 9 answers · asked by peachy78 5

Their uniform.

2006-10-02 06:59:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-02 06:57:36 · 7 answers · asked by jessyhotncool1224 2

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

2006-10-02 06:57:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things that sound dirty on Thanksgiving, but aren't!

Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps it moist.
It's Cool Whip time!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Whew! That is one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little Dark Meat!
Are you ready for seconds, Dear?
It's a little dry. Still wanna eat it?
Just wait your turn. You'll get some!
Don't play with your Meat!
Just spread the legs open, and Stuff It In!
Do you think you can handle all these folks at once?
You still have a little on your chin.
You know it's ready when it Pops Up!
Wow! I didn't think I could handle all that!
How many are coming?
That's the Biggest One I've ever seen!
Just lay back and take it easy. I'll do the rest.
How long do I Beat It before it's ready?
I didn't expect everyone to Come at once!

2006-10-02 06:57:18 · 25 answers · asked by jfmm 7

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

2006-10-02 06:54:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

2006-10-02 06:51:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marie Boudreaux, a middle-aged 'Cajun Lady, went to the doctor for a check-up. After thoroughly tending to her, he said, "Mais, cher,
I got good new and bad news".
"You in some wonderful shape for your age, but you are Pregnant"!
"What"!?, exclaimed Marie, and out the door she flew in a rage.
She ran all the way home, and called Boudreaux at his work.
" You lecherous ole Goat! You have got me Pregnant"!
After a long, long pause, Boudreaux softly spoke, " Aah,.....Who is this callin'Me"?

2006-10-02 06:42:40 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

a rich executive whose wife died of a heart attack on a trip to Europe. The man immediately decided that the executive murdered his wife....and he was right. How did he know?

2006-10-02 06:35:50 · 10 answers · asked by pouchless 2

Riddle Version 2.0:
We are little creatures; all of us have different features. One of us in glass is set; one of us you'll find in jet. Another you may see in tin, and the fourth is boxed within. If the fifth you should pursue, it can never fly from you. What are we?

2006-10-02 06:33:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is there a certain age that is designed by law? Or just up to the individual?

2006-10-02 06:23:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

if three guys went into hotel and only one room left and it was $30.00 for room. each paid $10.00 and went to the room. then the guy at desk realized that it was only $25.00 for room and bellman took $5.00 to the three guys. each guy got $1.00 back and bellman kept $2.00. So each guy only paid $9.00 for the room a piece which is only $27.00 and the bellman took $2.00 which totals $29.00. where did the other dollar go?

2006-10-02 06:21:36 · 25 answers · asked by miataraceman 2

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2006-10-02 06:20:15 · 5 answers · asked by Tater 2

The Mammogram.

For years and years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests".

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them so carefully,
And always wore my bra.

After many years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram.
"O.K.," I said, "let's do it".

"Stand up here real close", She said.
She got my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts", she said.
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine"!

She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed ,
To Swedish Pancake thin!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this thing,
My poor defenseless t*t!

"Take a deep breath", I heard her say.
The room was slowly swaying.
" Now, let's do the other one".

2006-10-02 06:18:34 · 12 answers · asked by jfmm 7

palms? I mean really, six or seven times a day, and the dog is getting tired of locating my shaving kit...what should I do?

FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY!

2006-10-02 06:04:02 · 12 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

2006-10-02 05:49:29 · 2 answers · asked by tamara j 1

2006-10-02 05:32:22 · 7 answers · asked by JinMu 2

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim
an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed
on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New
Mexico .

This is a well known incident that many say has long
been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal
government.

However, you may well NOT know that in the month of
March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic
day, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham; John F.
Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton; Howard Dean; Nancy
Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and
Barbara Boxer were born.

This clears things up a lot!

2006-10-02 05:31:13 · 6 answers · asked by fortuitousoppty 5

2006-10-02 05:30:02 · 10 answers · asked by JinMu 2

Howdi, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"Well, you see I'm calling about my neighbour Billy Bob Jenkins. The thing is, he's hiding a stash of marijuana inside his firewood..."

"Sir, thank you very much for your call."

The following day, a crack squad of FBI agents descended on Billy Bob's house. Bursting into his shed, they find the stash of firewood. Using axes, they burst open every single piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left...

The phone then rings inside Billy Bob's house:

"Hey there Billy Bob...Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

2006-10-02 05:26:31 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hungry cowboy rode into town and went to the bar. He walked up to the bar and there was an old man sitting there staring at a bowl of chili. The cowboy said if your not going to eat it can I have it. The old man said ok. The cowboy started eating and when almost finished he found a dead mouse in the bowl. He got sick and puked into the bowl. What was the old man's reply?

2006-10-02 05:15:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never got that joke. Could someone please explain to me what's so funny about it?

2006-10-02 05:07:50 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"

2006-10-02 04:58:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lady: Hello! Police? One man has entered into my house and he's raping me right nnnoww. Caan yooouu aaahh..arreestt himmm...toommmorroww moorning

2006-10-02 04:53:44 · 11 answers · asked by Hobby 5

Im smart in everything im the top 1 student in our school, im good at sports, arts, i can play 5 different kinds of instruments, i can speak over 5 languages, I got a 200IQ, i can easily get a perfect score even without study. I know everything, and sometimes i ask the teacher a very hard question, even they cant even answer me, ^ ^. I laugh at others who got lower grades then i do. My family are rich, i can get anything i want when i ask for it. But i can never get friendship, i felt loney...what am i?

2006-10-02 04:48:09 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous