Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

2006-10-02 12:25:34 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?
97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

2006-10-02 12:24:29 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

• There are 18 different animal shapes in the Animal Crackers cookie zoo!
• Forest fires move faster uphill than downhill!
• If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
• The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!
• The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds!
• A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside!
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie!
• over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows!
• Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark!
• Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
• There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S, than real ones!
• During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!
• Slugs have 4 noses!
• There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and month! Interesting tries from our readers: orange: door hinge, mélange (French for mix) purple: hurtle, durple?, turtle month: once, bunth?, hunch
• It is estimated that millions of trees in the world are accidentally planted by squirrels who bury nuts and then forget where they hid them!
• Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
• Humans, dolphins and Bonobo Chimpanzees are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
• It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
• You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
• Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
• A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
• A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
• The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
• Polar bears are left handed.
• The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
• A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
• The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
• The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
• Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
• The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
• 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
• The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
• "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
• Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
• If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
• TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
• A snail can sleep for 3 years.
• The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
• There are only four words in the English language which end in "- dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
• There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

2006-10-02 12:22:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes horse back riding. It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop. The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins. The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

2006-10-02 12:15:58 · 10 answers · asked by bugguy 2

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

2006-10-02 12:12:30 · 9 answers · asked by bugguy 2

A woman had a female parrot which kept saying: 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?'
She was frantic, so she went to her Pastor to find a solution to the problem. The Pastor said, 'Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.'
So, the woman brought the parrot to his house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, 'Hello, I am very horny. Do you want to have some fun?' One male parrot looked at the other one and said, 'Put away the Bible, Fred, our prayers have been answered.'

2006-10-02 12:04:54 · 19 answers · asked by Wizzy Woman 4

They both like to stick their meat btwn 8yr. old buns. Another MJ joke:
What do Micheal J. and gamecube have in common?


little boys turn them on.

2006-10-02 11:56:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil people. Don't mess with them.

2006-10-02 11:55:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-02 11:51:49 · 5 answers · asked by Cloudz 1

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one
with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had
any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls,
one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says,
"Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water,
I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her *** in it."

2006-10-02 11:51:32 · 15 answers · asked by veri 1

Your funniest joke ever has to be your answer. Please, no dirty jokes. I'll accept stupid ones, though.

2006-10-02 11:46:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

We had Irene Cara perform at last weekends football final......then her sponsor aired a new ad....hope u guys like this....

www.flashbeer.com.au

2006-10-02 11:46:11 · 2 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man goes to the doctor for his checkup.

The doctor tells him (of course): "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, you've got terminal cancer. There's no treatment, and you have only a few weeks left."

Man: "Oh my god! That's horrible! What could possibly be the good news?"

Doctor: "See that hot nurse? I'm sleeping with her!"

2006-10-02 11:41:41 · 6 answers · asked by Schmeep 4

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.” Replied the doctor, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”

2006-10-02 11:35:44 · 12 answers · asked by veri 1

Just 1 per person please

2006-10-02 11:33:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,that's the law.
License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop
or convince me of the difference, I'll give you my license and registration and you give
me the ticket,if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer, and says:
" DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

2006-10-02 11:31:07 · 17 answers · asked by veri 1

2006-10-02 11:25:58 · 13 answers · asked by ajakhatarinaak47 2

There is one crime in which a life is taken deliberately but for which the law can't punish the killer. What is it?

2006-10-02 11:24:41 · 13 answers · asked by me 2

A man leans over & asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern,
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, I remember it well" she says. "OK," he says, "How about taking a
stroll around there again and lets do it there again, for old times
sake?"

"Charlie,- you old devil, -it sounds crazy, but why not?"

A police officer, sitting in the next booth listening to all this,
chuckles
to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old birds in action.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows
them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, Finally,
they
get to the back of the tavern, make their way to the fence, the old
lady
lifts her skirt & the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against
the
fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex the watching policeman
has
ever encountered. The action goes on for what seems to be at least 10
minutes.

Loud noises, moans, groans, grunts & sighs are emitted from both
partners.

Finally, they both collapse on the ground, exhausted.

The policeman is totally amazed. He feels that he has learned something
important about life & aging that he couldn't have imagined.
After half an hour of lying there recovering, the old couple struggles
to
their
feet, re-arranges their clothing, and start to leave. The policeman
thinks,
I've got to find out what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says, "Excuse me, I happened to see that, and
I
must say - it was truly amazing! You must have had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret to your ability to perform like
that?"

The old man replies, "Well - fifty years ago that wasn't an electric
fence.
"

2006-10-02 11:20:26 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, w e’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost Her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

2006-10-02 11:17:07 · 9 answers · asked by veri 1

When I was like 9 I had a dream that my family and I were at disney and I told my mom I had to use the bathroom so I went in but when I came out my family were no where to be found and three guys jumped me and put my hand over the top of a sewer hole drain and pounded a huge metal rod through it.when I woke up my hand was bleeding*must of hit it in my sleep*but at that age it was a lil creepy.
I recently had a dream that I had killed like 5 people and dismembered their bodies and when the cops came to scope things out they started digging up floor boards and finding the missing peices.This is the truley funny part I woke up laughing...The investigator or whoever he was,in my dream walked up to me and said well thats all for today we'll come back tomarrow to look some more...ha! only in my dreams right, I mean seriously they find the five bodies and yet their going to let me go,what more do they need?
just thought I'de share,anyone have a good one they want to share?

2006-10-02 11:10:12 · 6 answers · asked by ///\oo/\\\ 4

What am I?

2006-10-02 11:09:13 · 6 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

Why would you buy a plush dog from a porcelain doll company and a real dog from a pet shop?

2006-10-02 11:08:06 · 2 answers · asked by April Ann Codon Cruz 2

Is it true that there is a secret ingredient put into the frosting of a wedding cake that make a woman's sex drive deminish as soon as she takes a bite?

2006-10-02 11:01:26 · 15 answers · asked by schlepp 2

2006-10-02 10:53:49 · 31 answers · asked by Midnight Dynamo 3

...between these seemingly random films and telly shows?

Coming to America
Only Fools and Horses
Wayne's World
Forest Gump
Frasier
and
Last of the Summer Wine

2006-10-02 10:52:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Animal, vegetable or mineral?

2006-10-02 10:37:53 · 22 answers · asked by sue l 4

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.

To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

2006-10-02 10:31:59 · 5 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

2006-10-02 10:30:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

of your car a mile back; the guy says thank christ i thought i had gone deaf

2006-10-02 10:25:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous