Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

the landlord said " no, sorry you barred. "

2006-10-03 05:58:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now un patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a di#k.

2006-10-03 05:58:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's green and yellow, and slimy on the surface?

2006-10-03 05:58:07 · 6 answers · asked by kramaster 5

Answers are invited for the following question:
The numbers in the third group must be related to each other in the same way as the numbers in each of the other two groups.
Find the missing number.

( 21 [30] 1) ( 20 [ 11] 10 )

( 16 [ _ ] 2 )

2006-10-03 05:51:13 · 5 answers · asked by castrol75 2

http://www.candlelightstories.com/Games/MummyGameIntro.htm

2006-10-03 05:49:30 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do they say they are going to TAKE a crap? When I go I leave it! lol

2006-10-03 05:48:58 · 6 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his penis. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."

2006-10-03 05:46:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: How to call the police

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT...

2006-10-03 05:33:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought this one was pretty good...tell me what you think.

Frank was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was Really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 5 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE.

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work. When his wife Woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.


Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Frank have been scheduled for Friday.

2006-10-03 05:10:35 · 14 answers · asked by raiden 2

2006-10-03 05:04:03 · 7 answers · asked by Dont call me retarded 1

example: what do you call a 3 legged donkey?


A wonkey

2006-10-03 04:43:38 · 17 answers · asked by jimmythebullstromboni 3

2006-10-03 04:41:46 · 6 answers · asked by Michelle G 2

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Anyone know the answer? First correct answer gets 10 points. If not, I'll post it tonight.

2006-10-03 04:40:00 · 16 answers · asked by raiden 2

a teen age kid goes up to his dad and asks 'em if he would buy him a car, the dad replys" can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the kid says "no". the dad says "well theres your answer".
the next day the kid asks his dad if he would play ball with him, once again his dad replys "can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the kid says no and walks away.
the next day comes and they're sitting at the table eating breakfast. the dad asks his kid to pass him the salt, the kid tell his dad "can your d;ck touch your a.s.s" the dad grins and says "yes, it does", so his kid says to him "well then go f*ck yourself"

i tried this one yesterday but told it a litte wrong, and once again dont shoot the messanger.

2006-10-03 04:38:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

UCLA Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed
up his *** while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

2006-10-03 04:18:14 · 14 answers · asked by darkpony6262 3

1. make a trail of orange juice on the floors to the restrooms

2.walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "i think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens

3.challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap

4.switch the signs for the men and womens bathrooms.

5. dart around suspiciously while humming the theme song fron "mission impossible"

6.put a "Valet Parking" sign out front

7.in the auto department practice your Madonna look with different sized funnels

8.go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them that you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

9. go into the fitting room and yell real loud.. "hey we're out of toilet paper in here."

2006-10-03 04:15:37 · 13 answers · asked by undercover_cosmotelogist 2

should I name the seeing eye dog? You may want to refer to a couple of my previous recent questions. Peace.

2006-10-03 04:06:48 · 2 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

She has a clock on the oven...

2006-10-03 04:04:43 · 10 answers · asked by darkpony6262 3

2006-10-03 03:50:14 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

now that my vegetable garden is dormant for the season. All those lovely cucumbers, gone, with nary a see ya later, bye. What's a girl to do?

2006-10-03 03:49:54 · 13 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

for trying to smuggle books into the state. But I got off on a technicality, they couldn't prove what a book was. Am I lucky or what?

2006-10-03 03:47:42 · 7 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

2006-10-03 03:31:15 · 8 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery.
As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!"
"No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

2006-10-03 03:12:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a ***** outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

2006-10-03 03:10:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-03 01:55:39 · 3 answers · asked by LA 1

Yes 100% anway An Irishman, a Jew and a polack are standing in front of Saint peter. Saint Peter said "You can enter heaven if you tell me what Easter is." the Irishman said "Thats when they put up a tree and exchange presents." Saint Peter threw him out.The jew said "That's when everyone waits till midnight at a big party." Saint Peter threw him out too.The Polack said "That's when they put Jesus in a tomb, three days later angels rolled back the stone, Jesus walked out, looked down and saw his shadow, and they had 6 more weeks of winter."

2006-10-03 01:53:48 · 11 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

2006-10-03 01:45:20 · 21 answers · asked by Mx2 4

A little boy is playing with his new football and a little girl asks if she can play. He tells her, "No. These are for boys."
The little girl runs into the house and tells her mother. The next day the girl sticks her tongue out at the boy and waves her new football in his face. The little boy angrily points to his boy's bike and says, "Oh yeah? Well, only boys can get these!"

But the next day, the little girl has the same bike. The little boy gets furious, pulls down his pants, points to his unit, and says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and the little girl promptly pulls up her dress, points to her bits, and proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want."

2006-10-03 01:33:44 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

what'll you say to him? offer him a drink? do you think he likes tea or coffee??

2006-10-03 01:29:27 · 24 answers · asked by Matt d 2

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2006-10-03 01:22:50 · 20 answers · asked by kevin.grady 1