Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

Ya mum.

2006-10-03 08:59:39 · 22 answers · asked by Kango Man 5

One makes your day, the other makes your hole week!

2006-10-03 08:58:38 · 21 answers · asked by Kango Man 5

what day would it be 6 days before 3 days before 5 days earlyer than yesterday???? lmao

2006-10-03 08:55:28 · 27 answers · asked by steve 2

2006-10-03 08:52:58 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?

Becaues the cow's got the udder!!

2006-10-03 08:52:30 · 62 answers · asked by wee stoater 4

2006-10-03 08:16:58 · 10 answers · asked by ? 4

I dont think there are very many of these left.

2006-10-03 08:06:20 · 5 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-10-03 07:57:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

that causes a woman to lose 90% of her sex drive.........its called wedding cake.

2006-10-03 07:55:42 · 19 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

Two guys go into a sperm bank. The nurse hands them each a bottle and tells them that they have to put some sperm in it.
She puts each man in a separate room. She goes to Room #1 and gives the man a porno magazine and tells him this might help him to make his "contribution"...When she leaves the room, he follows her towards Room #2. He observes the nurse giving the second man a b/j..........Furious, he says, "Hey, nurse! How come he gets a b/j and I get a porno magazine?"
The nurse looks at him and says, "Sir, that's the difference between PRIVATE PAY and a HMO!!"

2006-10-03 07:54:38 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband " i look horrible fat and ugly, pay me a compliment". husband replies " your eyesights f**king spot on".

2006-10-03 07:51:46 · 22 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

After a number of attacks on hikers and campers in


Alaska, the Department of Fish and Game released the


following advisory:


We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on


their clothing so as not to startle bears. We also


advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in


case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good


idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.




Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between


Black Bear and Grizzly Bear poop. Black bear poop is


smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.


Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells


like pepper.






A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in


front of his office, ready to show it off to his


colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close


and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.


The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed


911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions,


the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus,


which he had just picked up the day before, was now


completely ruined and would never be the same, no


matter what the body shop did to it.




When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting


and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and


disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you


lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your


possessions that you don't notice anything else."




"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.




The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is


missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn


off when the truck hit you."




"My God" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"






A kindergarten teacher decides she’s going to teach


her students a lesson about the five senses. She wants


to start with taste, so she brings in flavored sucking


candies to class, blindfolds the children, and asks


them to taste each one. The students have no problem


identifying the cherry, lemon, and lime flavors, but


when it comes to the honey sucker, they’re stumped.




“I’ll give you a hint,” the teacher says. “You may


hear your mommies and daddies call each other this


flavor at home.”




“Spit ’em out Spit ’em out” cries one child.


“They’re assholes”






A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor


I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't


bother me too much. My farts never smell and are


always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at


least 20 times since I've been here in your office.


You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell


and are silent."




The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come


back to see me next week."




The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says,


"I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my


farts...although still silent...stink terribly."




The doctor says, "Good Now that we've cleared up


your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

2006-10-03 07:45:50 · 12 answers · asked by JonnaMamma 2

as they passed some mules and pigs the wife sarcastically asked " relatives of yours? "yeah" the husband replied, " in laws".

2006-10-03 07:45:24 · 13 answers · asked by mine of useless information 1

2006-10-03 07:44:28 · 17 answers · asked by windrider284 1

2006-10-03 07:39:28 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-03 07:37:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the funniest math joke you've ever heard? (or) Make one up.I need math jokes, only please.

2006-10-03 07:27:36 · 14 answers · asked by Southern Girl/ deal with it! 3

Lost Churches of Louisiana
> >>
> >>One of the local television stations in South Louisiana actually
> >>aired
> >>an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer
> >>was a
> >>woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the black woman how
>such
> >>total
> >>and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected
> >>their
> >>lives.
> >>
> >>Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about all
> >>those
> >>other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years. We gets our
> >>chicken from Popeye's".
> >>
> >>The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

2006-10-03 07:23:48 · 4 answers · asked by passthevasia 2

2006-10-03 07:23:40 · 20 answers · asked by lightweight 2

I mean there are silent ones but they stink worse than the loud ones? help me i need to know.

2006-10-03 07:01:46 · 13 answers · asked by ? 4

2006-10-03 06:56:38 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Liquid Plummer
Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex
Do not spray in eyes.

Toilet Plunger
Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool
This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter
Safe to use around pets.

Bowl Fresh
Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Endust Duster
This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil
Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion
Keep away from children

Hair Coloring
Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap
Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap
Directions: Use like regular soap.
Stridex Foaming Face Wash
May contain foam.

Hairdryer:
Do not use while taking a shower.

Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant
Use only on underarms.

Zantac 75
Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills
Warning: May cause Drowsiness


Christmas Lights
Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter
Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight
This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Fire Extinguisher:
Caution: Non-Flamable

Earplugs
These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress
Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches
Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray
Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor
Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat
WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge
Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control
Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs
Caution: Risk of fire

Triops Fish Food
Warning: Not for human consumption

Home Depot Treated Lumber
Do not consume

Hair Dryer
Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Road Sign
Caution water on road during rain.

Camera
This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign
Cemetery Road. Dead End

Church Parking Lot Sign
Thou shalt not park

Children's Superman Costume
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk
Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner
Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron
Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup
This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese
For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners
This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar
Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup
Instructions: Put on food

500-piece puzzle:
Some assembly required.

Beach Ball
CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

Chainsaw
Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

Packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

String of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.

Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children

Helmet mounted mirror used by us cyclists:
Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you

New Zealand insect spray:
This product not tested on animals.

Blanket from taiwan:
not to be used as protection from a tornado

Cardboard windshield sun shade:
Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place.

Infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

Package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

Disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

Bottle of shampoo for dogs
Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

Curling Iron
Warning: This product can burn eyes.

Hair Dryer
Do not use in shower.

Hair Dryer
Do not use while sleeping.

Hand-held Massaging Device
Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

Case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.

A toilet at a public sports facility
Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Pair of shin guards made for bicyclists
Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

Container of Underarm Deodorant.
Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Aim-n-Flame fireplace lighter.
Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

Toner cartridge for a laser printer
Do not eat toner.

13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow
Not intended for highway use.

Can of self-defense pepper spray.
May irritate eyes.

Novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock"
Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

A frisbee
Warning: May contain small parts.

A toilet bowl cleaning brush.
Do not use orally.

A birthday card for a 1 year old.
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

Heated seat cushion
Warning: Do not use on eyes.

Microwave Oven:
Do not use for drying pets.

Electric Cattle Prod
For use on animals only.

Can of air freshener.
For use by trained personnel only.

Silly Putty
Do not use as ear plugs.

Knife sharpening stone
Warning: knives are sharp!

Deodorant
Do not use intimately.

Rat Poison
Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

Portable stroller
Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

Dashboard of a mail truck
Look before driving.

Children's cough medicine
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

Sign at a railroad station
Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

Bottom of a supermarket dessert box
Do not turn upside down.

Package of dice.
Not for human consumption.

Bottled Drink:
Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

Shipment of hammers
May be harmful if swallowed.

Manual for an SGI computer.
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle
Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

Electric Thermometer.
Do not use orally after using rectally.

Packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
Turn off motor before using this product.

6x10 inch inflatable picture frame
Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

Box of bottle rockets
Do not put in mouth.

Wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack
Remove plastic before eating.

Box for a car jack
For lifting purposes only.

Instructions for a cordless phone:
Do not put lit candles on phone.

Small print from car commercial which shows a car in the ocean
Do not drive cars in ocean.

Small print from a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert
Always drive on roads. Not on people.

Bus Stop
No stopping or standing.

Church Sign
These rows reserved for parents with children.

Bag of Fritos
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Credit card statement.
Payment is due by the due date.

Laundromat triple washer
No small children.

Sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building
Take care: new non-slip surface.

Box of Pills
Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11
Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

Can of black pepper.
Instructions: usage known.

Bag of cat biscuits
Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

Car Manual
In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Espresso Kettle
The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position.

T.V. manual
Do not pour liquids into your television set.

Label on a hammer
Caution - Do not use this hammer to strike any solid object

VCR box
Instructional video on hooking up VCR included.

Toilet brush
Do not use for personal hygiene.

Black rubber fishing worm
Not for human consumption.

Orange Juice Can:
100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed orange juice from concentrate.

Depend Adult Diapers
Step into underwear and pull them on just like regular underwear.

Furniture Wipes
Do not use for a baby wipe.

Stickers to put on the seat of a potty training toilet
This is not a toy. Stickers require adult supervision.

Lawnmower
Warning: When Motor Is Running - The Blade Is Turning

Instructions on the bottom of a grocery store pizza
Do not turn upside down.

Bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle
Do not open here.

Bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.

Container of lighter fluid
WARNING: Contents flammable!

Box of household nails
CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause irritation!

Microwave popcorn, packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless you open the plastic and unfold it
Direction #1: Remove plastic.

Drink bottle label
Do not peel label off.

Woolite carpet cleaner
Safe for carpets, too!

Box of Frosted Cheerio's
The logo, "Tastes so good this box never closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place tab here."

Sterno
Do not use near fire or flame.

Container of salt
Warning: High in sodium

Hose Nozzle
Do not spray into electrical outlet.

2006-10-03 06:56:06 · 12 answers · asked by JonnaMamma 2

Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to f@ck her!"

"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"

2006-10-03 06:37:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joke 1
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Joke 2
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Joke 3
Bono is at a U2 concert in Dublin when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says in to the microphone... "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front pierces the silence... "Well, f*cking stop clapping then!!"

2006-10-03 06:20:19 · 15 answers · asked by bri 3

Just like to know "if a Poison once expired will it still be that effective?" medicine once expired, it is no longer effective....

2006-10-03 06:13:57 · 12 answers · asked by Lok2Lok 2

an english woman marries 10 different men in london yet she doesn't break any laws, none of these men die and she never divorces.
how is this possible?

2006-10-03 06:08:56 · 39 answers · asked by SIMON T 3

One day a man rushes home because he knows that his wife is cheating on him. When he gets there, his wife is laying in bed & he's yelling and wailing that he knows there's another man in the house. As he says that he looks out the window & sees a man running. Assuming it's the guy that's his wife has been sleeping with...he pushes the refridgerator out the window. As it's plowing down to kill the runner,the cord gets wrapped around the husbands leg & it pulls him down killing both him & the runner. As they arrive at the pearly gates another soul is asking how they arrived. The runner says,"I don't know I was just running to work because I was late & a refridgerator fell on my head."The husband says,"I thought he was the guy that my wife was cheating on me with & I tried to kill him with the refridgerator & it pulled me down with it."There's another man standing there in his underwear & he says,"Well I don't know exactly how I got here,I was just sitting in the refridgerator." Hahah

2006-10-03 06:04:41 · 11 answers · asked by Amber R 4

Mark Hatter, Hippo ,Goose and mrs Pilkiinton .I havn`t seen them for ages

2006-10-03 06:02:34 · 7 answers · asked by keny 6

the maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it.
what is it?

2006-10-03 06:01:25 · 22 answers · asked by SIMON T 3

A redneck goes into a Dunkin Donuts and notices
there's a "Roll Up The Rim To Win" Contest going on. So, he rolls it up and starts screaming "I've won a motor home! I've won a motor home!"

The girl at the counter says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is
a car." But the person keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've
won a motor home!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The redneck says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!" And he hands the Cup to the manager and HE reads:.


(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! ... )

"W I N A B A G E L"

2006-10-03 06:00:46 · 14 answers · asked by abc 2