Has anyone got any good jokes or good websites has i am bored and need cheering up?

Answer 1

www.youtube.com keeps me amused. have fun xx

Answer 2

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself. "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving." He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"

The Officer replies, "The President is just so depressed about the thought of moving with Hillary to New York that he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the money to pay for the new house. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him.

"Oh really? How much have you collected so far?"

"So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning!"

Answer 3

There once was a young woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your
face."



http://www.personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com/self-help-Jokes.html



Wit And Wisdom From Dogs


The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
--Unknown

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
--Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
--Will Rogers

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
--Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
--Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
--Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. In return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
--M. Acklam

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
--Robert Benchley

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
--James Thurber

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
--Anne Tyler

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea
--Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
--Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
--Roger Caras



also some great quotes here

http://www.personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com/self-help-quotes-article001.html

Answer 4

A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was possibly this guy he met once named George, but the body was so badly burned, he needed somebody to make a positive identification. That task fell to George's two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe came over to the body and said, "He's burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man's buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain't George." Thinking the incident strange, the mortician said nothing. He then brought in Al. Al takes a look at the body and said, "Wow, he's burned to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, the same reply, "Nope, that ain't George." The mortician said, "How can you tell?" Al replied, "George had two as*holes."

The mortician then said, "What?! How could he have two as*holes?"
Then Al replied, "Everybody knew George had two as*holes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you'd hear people say, 'Here comes George with those two as*holes!'"

Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe
yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent
years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth,
The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt
Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew
how much he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his
later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on
half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll
model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in
the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

We will have 2 min Toast after funeral.

3 legged chicken

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car.
He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.
He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH
and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs.
He followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and
saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these
chickens?"

The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet


hows that

Answer 5

Two women are talking in heaven.

1st women: Hi my name is Sue.

2nd woman: I'm Judy, How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death!

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It was not so bad. After I quit shivering from the cold I began to get a little warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive hart attack. I thought my husband was having an afair, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I ran down to the basement the up to the attic. I looked under the beds and in the closets. I looked every where. Finaly I became so exhausted that I keeled over with a hart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you did not look in the freezer....We'd both still be alive.

Answer 6

1.Two convicts were released from a remote prison and opted to walk the distance back to "civilisation".
The first echoed his wish to shag the first thing in a skirt,while the second wished for cask of ale.
At dusk they reached an old building that appeared like a cathedral.
The first spotted a woman in black/white and immiediately pounced upon her and shagged the life out .
A while later they decieded to enter the building and knocked on the door.
The place appeared desolate and the door was soon opened by an old man.The first man said that they were seeking the short lady dressed in a nun garb that was walking in the garden earlier.The old man was dismayed and said that he lived alone .
The second man turned to his mate and said - I told you that it was not a NUN - you shagged a penguin - perv

2. Two brothers were stranded one night during their travels and sought refuge at a remote farmhouse , occupied by a mother & her daughter.After a meal the mother said to the men that they only had two beds and had to share their space.The elder brother decieded that he will do the not too shabby mum and shared her bed.
The younger shared the bed with the daughter.Once in bed the girl gave him a condom and said "put this on , I don't want to get pregnant".
The men departed the next morn and the elder bro was happy as a lark.
Two days later,the younger went over to his brother and said - Damn, I am sore and don't care wether the girl gets preganant or not,I can't live with this on my pen.
The elder fearing the worse enquired what's up.
............ well she asked me to put this on so she wont get pregnant.I did and went off to sleep.Its two days now and my dick hurts and I am taking it off.Its her problem if she gets pregnant.

Answer 7

>Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
>A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at
>night.
>
>Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
>A: Because they are tired of using their own.

Answer 8

got to my question that i just asked. I didn't know i would have put it here. tell me if it cheers you up. i was in a resteraunt when i recieved it, it still makes me smile, I couldn't stop giggling. i thought i should share it.

Answer 9

My favourite joke is the "aristocrats" joke. However, it is vulgar beyond belief and I shall be smitten by the language police if I post it. email me if you wnat it...

Answer 10

Yahoo's Office attachments are really good.

Answer 11

http://www.i-am.bored.com

http://www.b3ta.com

http://en.wikipedia.com - click a random link, then keep following links until you get to something you want to stop on. Or start from one thing, choose something completely different in your head, and keep clicking links until you get to the second thing... okay, I'm a bit of a loser lol