Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

2006-09-26 19:57:46 · 34 answers · asked by boo 1

2006-09-26 19:30:40 · 26 answers · asked by shapsy69 1

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

When would you want to sleep in the fireplace?
A: When you want to sleep like a log!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

How do you hunt bear?

Have fun! :)

2006-09-26 19:30:01 · 10 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Do the guys who make asemble-it-yourself furniture ever try to follow their own instructions ????

2006-09-26 19:19:47 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

When these people say "no" they say it like "noh". They say their o's like oh, kinda like a cross between the short "u" and the long "o". So take a guess where people who talk this way, and you may get something. I can't say what it is. This is just for fun, people. Don't get all offended and stuff!

2006-09-26 19:08:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-26 19:05:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Hide inside a clothes rack and when people come by say "pick me"
2. Fill several shopping carts and then take them to the front but leave them there and exit the store.
3. Go up to a cashier and holding your legs tight, say that you need to use the bathroom... On the way to it leave a trail of orange juice behind you.
4. find a open check out register and pretend to be a checker.
5. tell the manager there's a code 3 in the food section


there are more but thats all i remember for now.

2006-09-26 19:03:13 · 9 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

Dear Mom and dad

I've been away at college for a year and a lot has happened so I thought it would be a good idea to bring you up to speed.
First of all, we had a major fire in our dorm and i was thrown out the window. I landed in some snow, and a nice black man was nice enough to help me put out the fire on me and my clothes.
Since the dorm room was burned up, he was nice enough to let me live with him.
We have been living together for sometime now and have fallen in love. We will be geting married in June and oh did i mention i'm pregnent? Four months, to be exact.
Well School is going good but dont worry, we'll keep my school going as long as i can.
Anyway, give a hug to paws, and ask daddy to tell Monica hello for me.
Love Chelsea


P.S. Ok Its time to be honest with you.... there was no fire in the dorm, i wasnt badely burned, and I'm not living with a black guy and i'm not pregnent...

2006-09-26 18:54:40 · 7 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

I try to do everything to make my wife happy. She complained about the housework so I bought her an electric iron, an electric dishwasher, and an electric dryer.
Then she complained there were so many gadgets around the house she had no room to sit down. What could I do?
"Buy her an electric chair!"

2006-09-26 18:51:12 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hillary sits one day looking back at all that has happened during the term in office of her husband. THe good and the bad. The marriage seems on the edge of failure and she feels she needs to know what to expect.

So she goes to s psychic and asks her to tell her the future.

"I have some terible news for you. Your husband will die a horrible painfull death."

Hilary sits there thinking, not totaly sure what to say. Then she decides there's only one thing more to ask,
"Will i be aquited?"

2006-09-26 18:50:00 · 9 answers · asked by clomtancy 5

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

2006-09-26 18:37:06 · 13 answers · asked by halieysmom 2

don't give fool ans think!!

2006-09-26 18:29:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-26 18:20:23 · 4 answers · asked by memolino2007@sbcglobal.net 2

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it, announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

2006-09-26 17:54:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest, a Rabi and a Monk walk into a bar and the bartender says...." What is this, a JOKE?????"

2006-09-26 17:52:50 · 10 answers · asked by e-Rex 1

2006-09-26 17:50:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bill Clinton trips and falls over a bridge railing while jogging one morning. Before the Secret Service guys can get to him, three kids who are fishing pull him out of the water below. He’s so grateful, he offers the kids whatever they want.
The first kid shouts, “I want to go to Disneyland with my friends!” and Bill replies, “No problem. I’ll take you on Air Force One.”

The second kid says, “I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans,” to which Bill says, “I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!”

The third kid says, “I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!”

Clinton, looking perplexed, utters: “But, son, you don’t look like you’re handicapped.”

The kid answers, “I will be once my dad finds out I saved your sorry *** from drowning.”

2006-09-26 17:47:04 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

CMONAWTA

2006-09-26 17:33:47 · 11 answers · asked by cjude87 2

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added,

"And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on you feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Canada, sir."

2006-09-26 17:20:13 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot that overlooked a golf course. He drove by and noticed a couple inside with the interior dome light on. In the driver’s seat there was a young man reading a computer magazine, while in the backseat was a young woman knitting. Recognizing this as unusual, the officer walked up to the driver’s window and tapped on the glass, asking the man his name and what exactly he was doing. The man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, “My name is John and that’s my girlfriend in the back seat.” “OK, so what are you doing?” asked the officer. “What does it look like?” John answered. “I’m reading a magazine.” Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer asked, “And what’s she doing?” John looked over his shoulder and replied, “What does it look like? She’s knitting, sir.” “And how old are you?” the officer asked John.“I’m 25,” John replied. “And how old is she?” asked the officer. Looking @ his watch, "in 12 minutes she'll be 18

2006-09-26 17:16:37 · 12 answers · asked by ? 5

Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense contractor.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees".

The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shake their heads no.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"

A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed a thing, and you had to go and eat the janitor!"

2006-09-26 17:16:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.

As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.

"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.

"My wife," said the man.

2006-09-26 17:13:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, “
Hey man, I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”

The groom replies, “I just had the best bl@w j@b I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, “I know you’re happy to be getting married, but what’s up? You look so excited.”

The bride replies, “I have just given the last bl@w j@b of my entire life!”

2006-09-26 17:12:38 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER; she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She is not DUMB; she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND; she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY; she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS; she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER

2006-09-26 17:02:28 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-09-26 16:59:00 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was in a bad accident and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body...
doctor assured him that with modern medical science, he could be restored, but his insurance wouldn't cover it, as it was 'cosmetic' surgery.
$3500 for small,
$6000 for medium,
$15000 for large.
he called his wife and explained the situation.
doctor came back in and saw the man looking quite sad.
"well, have you decided?'
the man answered...
"she'd rather remodel the kitchen"! ;-(

2006-09-26 16:58:24 · 10 answers · asked by dwh 3

A farmer has a small boat to carry his stuff in.
He can only cross the stream to (get home) with 1 item in it at a time.

He has with him:
1. A Lion
2. A Goat
3. A bag of Potatoes

If left together, the Lion will eat the Goat!
And the Goat will eat the potatoes if they are left alone!

How does he cross the stream, taking only one item at a time????

2006-09-26 16:57:43 · 16 answers · asked by afrodyzyak 5

Two morons were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would
reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder
or nail it in. The other nut, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"The second moron got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

2006-09-26 16:54:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

tangible means it can be touched.

2006-09-26 16:52:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ive heard many Americans make jokes out of war and other countries suffering. Just wondering if there are any good ones out there about 9/11.
Cheers.
Remember guys, its just a joke.

2006-09-26 16:48:13 · 22 answers · asked by Game Theorist 2