Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

need to start some new ones circulating....

2006-09-26 10:46:27 · 9 answers · asked by dossin 2

Can you tie them in a bow?

2006-09-26 10:33:14 · 25 answers · asked by lucky 4

An irishman, an englishman, an old lady and a beautiful girl are on a train. The train goes through a tunnel. everything goes dark. when the daylight comes back the englishman holds his cheek. he has been slapped. The old lady is thinking 'i bet he tried to touch her and she slapped him'. The girl is thinking 'i bet he tried to touch me and got the old lady and she slapped him' The irishman is thinking ............................................................?

2006-09-26 10:32:36 · 23 answers · asked by Rach Gyllenhaal 3

This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."

Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts ******* the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!

After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"

To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."

2006-09-26 10:29:40 · 9 answers · asked by miranda b 3

2006-09-26 10:28:38 · 9 answers · asked by funlady6632@yahoo.com 6

Because it said concentrate on the carton.

2006-09-26 10:27:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

why can't ya shag a retarded dwarf


well its not big and its not clever

2006-09-26 10:08:34 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

more to the point, what was she doing out of the kitchen

2006-09-26 09:49:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?

if the lion king called a meeting for all the animals which one wouldnt attend?

you come to a river and you know it is frequently inhabited by crocs how do you get across without a boat ?

2006-09-26 09:47:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

because they deserve them

2006-09-26 09:41:52 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was watching a documentary about the French Revolution with his wife, but after a day's work he was tired and began to fall asleep.
His tiredness combined with the program that he was watching and began dreaming about the French Revolution. In his dream he was being held captive in a cell and suffering numerous tortures, after this a guardian came in and tied him taking him to the infamous guillotine.
He was placed in the contraption and the blade was raised, his body shaking with fear and nervous beyond imagination since the sensations where very real. A quick release and a steely *snick* and the blade began to fall.
Back on the real world, Ann was afraid something was wrong with Bob since he was shaking and mumbling so nervously. So she tried to wake him up tapping the back of his neck. Unfortunately the tap on his neck concided with the touch of the blade in Bob's dream and this made him wake up so fast so sudden that the fear gave him a heart attack and died immediately.

2006-09-26 09:39:50 · 15 answers · asked by Mauros12 2

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was
rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in
the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll
raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!

2006-09-26 09:35:37 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

slap the b-I-t-c-h until she starts again

2006-09-26 09:34:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-26 09:28:07 · 5 answers · asked by hiding1959 5

A man and his wife are stranded on a desert island. The wife begins to lose interest in her husband and wishes on a star that she would find another man. The next day a man is washed on shore. He is very nice looking and finds immediate interest in the wife. The husband was very pleased that there was another man to help work.
So they started on building a watchtower. The stranger and wife wanted to have mad passionate sex on the beach. So he tried to think of a plan. SO then the stranger offered to watch first from the watchtower. While the husband and wife worked, the stranger yelled, ''Hey! No *******! Get back to work!''

At this, the couple yelled back, ''We're not *******!''

A little while later the man again yelled out to them. And again the couple denied it. This happened several times during his shift up in the watchtower, and when his turn was over, the husband took over. With that, the stranger made love to the wife on the beach. The husband, watching, exclaimed, ''Wow, it really does look like they're ******* from up here!'''

2006-09-26 09:24:01 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Sag! You're It!
2.Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3.20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
4.Kick the Bucket
5.Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6.Doc, Doc, Goose
7.Simon Says Something Incoherent
8.Musical Recliners
9.Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.Hide and Go Pee!

2006-09-26 09:22:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

2006-09-26 09:19:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."

2006-09-26 09:18:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

the time had come. aliens were going to blow up earth in five minutes. a group of friends were forlornly sharing a meal together, knowing it was the last time they would ever see each other. the only woman of the group suddenly said, 'is there one last chance for me to be a real woman?' one of the guys answered, 'sure, honey,' and taking off his shirt he said, 'iron this.'

2006-09-26 09:16:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rule One: I am aware that it is concidered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are idiots. Still, I want to be fair. You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes to big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your pants do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place at your waist.
Rule Two: I'm sure that you have been told that in today's world sex without a barrier can be deadly. Let me elaborate: When it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule Three: I have no doubt the you are a popular fellow, with many oppurtunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my daughter, you will continue to date no one but her until she is through with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Four: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not fidget and complain. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup -- a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?
Rule Five: The following places are not approporiate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are sofas, beds or anything softer than a wooden stool or folding chair; places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight; places where there is darkness; places where the ambient temperature would induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her chin. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule 6: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been, but on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule 7: Be careful, be very careful. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When the flashbacks start, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns as I sit at home waiting for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car, with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safetly and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camoflauged face in the window is mine

2006-09-26 09:16:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman woke up in the middle of the night and her husband was not in the bed. She heard him in the living room sobbing and weeping like mad.
She asked him, ''Honey, what is wrong?''

He replied, ''Well, remember when you were 15 and I was 19, and you got pregnant, and your father said I either have to marry you or go to jail for having sex with a minor?

Well, this is the day I would have gotten out of prison.''

2006-09-26 09:14:04 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

2006-09-26 09:11:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"

2006-09-26 09:07:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-26 09:04:34 · 10 answers · asked by how_you_riding 1

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

2006-09-26 09:04:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-26 09:00:11 · 2 answers · asked by The Guru 2

A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''

The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''

The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''

2006-09-26 08:59:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus is dying on the cross. He calls out- Peter, Peter.
Peter pushes his way through the crowd and says,"Yes lord?"
The guards grab him, beat him and toss him back in the crowd.
Again Jesus cries, "Peter Peter"
Peter pushes his bruised and bloody body through the crowd
again but the guards beat him again and throw him back.
A third time Jesus calls."Peter Peter"
Knowing it must be important, Peter crawls through the crowd again.
Again the guards beat and kick him but this time
Peter holds onto the base of the cross.
After several minutes of beating him they relent and let him speak.
Using all his available breath Peter says, "What do you want of me?"
Jesus says," Peter from up here, I can see your house ."

Now thats good stuff.

2006-09-26 08:56:39 · 11 answers · asked by homo.jesus 2

http://d21c.com/terri1/flash/smile.swf

2006-09-26 08:54:50 · 3 answers · asked by flat head & one eye 2

how much wood could a woodcutter cut, if a woodcutter could cut wood?

2006-09-26 08:53:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous