Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

'That's ok' say's the man, 'I just hope they play darts in heaven. I like darts. Any chance you could find out for me Doc?'The Doctor said that he would find out durning the next few day's before the man's next appointment.'

A week passes and the man returns.
'So Doc, do they play darts in heaven?'
'Sorry son they don't play dart's in heaven.' replies the doctor.
' The only place they do play darts is in hell.'
'Really' responded the man, 'Thanks for trying anyway doc.'
'That's ok.' Said the doctor, 'By the way you have a match tonight.'

2006-09-27 09:47:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

2006-09-27 09:47:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Make me laugh and you just might win, how about that?

2006-09-27 09:33:46 · 5 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

funniest will be best answwer

2006-09-27 09:27:56 · 10 answers · asked by cody 1

2006-09-27 09:24:41 · 6 answers · asked by J.Dub 2

2006-09-27 09:21:33 · 10 answers · asked by danny_dump_valve 1

2006-09-27 09:17:24 · 8 answers · asked by danny_dump_valve 1

It's a beautiful warm day and a man and wife are at the Zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow, he suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does and the gorilla is more exited. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla crazy. Suddenly, the husband grabs wife by the hair, open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a HEAD ACHE

2006-09-27 09:07:44 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-09-27 09:02:02 · 12 answers · asked by danny_dump_valve 1

2006-09-27 09:01:56 · 10 answers · asked by ☺Smiley☺ 5

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."

2006-09-27 09:01:11 · 14 answers · asked by melinda 1

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store
and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"
"There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic
type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which
one do you need?"
Still confused the man asks, "What's the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It's really very easy.
The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army
type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains
out of mole hills."

2006-09-27 08:51:12 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

please i wanna make my lunch table laughh

2006-09-27 08:45:48 · 16 answers · asked by bridget h 1

Whoever gets this i will be sure ly suprised.

2006-09-27 08:45:13 · 7 answers · asked by ♥will♥skate♥4♥life♥ 4

"Doctor, don 't laugh" A man goes to his family doctor and says " I 've got the problem you will see, only you 've got to promise not to laugh" he doctor replies, "Of course I won 't laugh. That would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over 15 years
of being the doctor, I 've never laughed at a patient.
"OK then," says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniestpenis he has ever seen in his life.Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly
at first, then uncontrollably. Some minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
"I am so sorry," he says to his patient, "I don 't know what came over me, I won 't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" The man looks up at the doctor with very sad eyes and
says "IT IS SWOLLEN!!!".

2006-09-27 08:40:18 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

2 redenecks are standing arond one day talking. 1 redneck turned to the other and asked "Hey Bo, iffin I was ta snuck over to your trailer, and sleep wit your woman, and she got pregnant, would that make us kin"? The redneck though for a minute and said "Well Jesse, don't reckon it would make us kin but, it sure would make us even."

2006-09-27 08:35:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me something funny or something that will cheer me up!!!

2006-09-27 08:26:14 · 5 answers · asked by Clints_wench 4

2006-09-27 08:15:35 · 3 answers · asked by Blue M & M 1

I seem to be having trouble with my last lines....

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose wife was as loose as a bucket
He said with a grin, as he stuck his head in.....
What comes next?

2006-09-27 08:03:08 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you figure this out youre a friggin genius and Ill even let u take a free tour of the bat cave!

2006-09-27 07:46:31 · 8 answers · asked by DefenderOfTheMeek22 4

A man takes his dog to the vet "I think my dog is dead" The man says. Ok says the vet put the dog on the table, the man does this and the vet goes next door and gets a cat the cat sniffs the dogs ear and nose then walks back to the vet, yes says the vet your dogs dead thats £535 please.
what for says the man £35 for the office visit and £500 for the cat scan

2006-09-27 07:45:54 · 28 answers · asked by ALAN B 2

right theres a boy who didnt do his homew ork
so his teacher tells him to find out the first three letters of the alphabet so he asks his dad who is watchin footy and he says dad whats the first letter of the alphabet and he says oh my flamin god
so the boy asks his brother whats the second letter of the alpha bet his brother s playin darts so he says 180 so he gos and asks his little sis and she says in a brum brum car in a brum brum car so he gos to schoolthe next day and says to his teacher miss iknow the first letterd she says well s of the alphabet and she says well go on then the first letter isssssssssssssss oh my flamin god and miss says how many detentions do you think your gonna get for that 180 and how you gonna get there in a bru brum car in a brum brum car what do ya think

2006-09-27 07:30:24 · 8 answers · asked by hayleystagecraft 1

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

2006-09-27 07:27:57 · 8 answers · asked by melinda 1

a little boy was sitting on a curb throwing a small bottle with clear liquid up in the air. a priest came by and asked the boy, what's in the bottle? The boy said it's acid! The priest said, that's dangerous.....you shouldn't play with acid.....and he took out a bottle and gave it to the boy. The priest said, this is Holy Water, you should play with this! The boy said what's so good about this stuff? The priest said, well I rubbed it on a lady's belly this morning
and she passed a baby! The boy said........that's nothing, I rubbed this on a cats *** and he passed a Harley!

2006-09-27 07:16:24 · 9 answers · asked by ecodave 2

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

jajajajajajaj!!!!!!

2006-09-27 07:16:20 · 10 answers · asked by g-man 3

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

2006-09-27 07:10:48 · 16 answers · asked by melinda 1

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up

that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for

miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and

walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck,

huh? The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out

of gas."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no
otherexcuses whatsoever!"

A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence
was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her
head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with
yourother hand.

2006-09-27 06:54:35 · 21 answers · asked by flicflac 3

sneeze and laugh at the same time....?

2006-09-27 06:54:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he

opened his trench coat and flashed at her.


Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket

not your stub."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,

but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock

boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

2006-09-27 06:51:34 · 6 answers · asked by flicflac 3

2006-09-27 06:33:02 · 7 answers · asked by Coo coo achoo 6