Can you tell me a REALLY FUNNY JOKE???????

Question

please i wanna make my lunch table laughh

Answer 1

what's green, slimy, and smells like pork?
kermit's finger.
♣

Answer 2

1-There was a blond a brunette, and a red head that were being chased by a terrorist. And there were 3 potato bags on the floor, so each one of them went into a different potato bag. The terrorist kicked the bag which the red head was in and she said Meow. And the terrorist is like...oh just a cat...then he kicks the bag with the brunette...she goes roof roof...and the terrorist says...it's just a stupid dog. Then the terrorist kicks the bag which the blonde is in and she goes...POTATOES!!!!!!!!!!!!

2-A blonde walks into a library and shouts, "CAN I HAVE A CHEESE BURGER AND CHIPS?!?"
The librarian replies, "This is a library."
"Sorry," the blonde whispers in a barely audible voice, "can I have a cheese burger and chips?"


3-There was a blonde and a brunette were walking down the sidewalk. the brunette says "Hey look a dead bird." The blonde look up and says "Where,where?"
A blonde and a brunette are driving in a car down a freeway.
The brunette sees a police car in the rear view mirror.
She asks the blonde to turn around and see if the police cars' lights are on.
The blonde turns around and replys "yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."


5-There were 3 girls, a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. There was this magic mirror, and if you said a lie in front of it, you would disappear.
The redhead went up to it and said "I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The brunette went up to the mirror and said "I think I am the prettiest girl in the world" Poof, she disappeared.
The blonde went up to the mirror and said "I Think..." Poof she disappear


http://www.funny-games.biz/jokes/blonde-jokes.html

Answer 3

A snail & a turtle got into a really bad fight. This brawl got the attention of all the others animals in the woods . The snail & turtle fought for a long time. After it was all said and done the snail beat the fire outta the turtle. The ambulance and police came to treat the turtle. An emt asked the turtle - what happened ?- The turtle said- I dont' know, it all happened so fast !-

Answer 4

heres is a ten point selection from my arsenal .......

A guy decides he is going to throw a party, not just any party he wants to have an emotions party, so he tells everyone to come Friday night dressed as there favorite emotion. Friday night comes he gets a knock at the door, it is a girl dressed head to toe in pink feathers, he says ''oh you're tickled pink come on in'' .. a little bit later another knock at the door, it is a guy dressed in a green suit with his face painted green , the guy says ''Hi I'am green with envy'' and walks in ..... several guests arive dressed as different emotions, after quite some time he hears a knock at the door , he opens the door to see two enormous black men buck naked except one has a pear jammed on his penis the other has an eclair jammed on his penis.. The shocked host says ""can I help you'' one of the men answers ""this heres the emotions party right ?"' the host says ""umm well yea, but what are you?"" The guy answers saying '' well I'Am deep in Dis-pear and he is fu*ckin dis-custad'' .......

Answer 5

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards:

NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Answer 6

There was a bruntette a blonde and a red head who are stuck on an island in the middle of the ocean.The beach is 20 miles away.The red head swims 3 miles,gets tired and goes back,the brunette goes 2 miles and gets tired so she goes back,The blonde swims 19 miles gets tired and swims back.

Answer 7

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads...

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand
Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows...

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. AND,you, being an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

Answer 8

what did the macoroni say to the cheese ?wheres the cheese my man?
dude you're the cheese!
wait a minute we're turning into cheesy fries to why is that? I burped it all out ! lol!

Answer 9

The little boy came home from school, excitedly telling his father, "Daddy! Daddy! I'm going to be in the school play!"



The father said "That's great!", what part are you going to play?"



"I'm going to play a husband!"



"A husband!", the father exclaimed, "son, you march right back down to that school, and tell them you want a speaking part!"

Answer 10

About Me
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At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"




A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"





Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure, son. What's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.” We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the Future.” Do you understand, son?

Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.

Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?

Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of s-h-i-t.




Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon
Jeff's arrival to the Pearly Gates, he was met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replied, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He is in Hell instead of Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike once just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy Blondie in a bikini & a keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it, and the blonde doesn't."





Three men are dead.. on the way to heaven, they have to talk to the ushier.. so.... he man asks, "How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?"
The first man answers..

"Well... I was married for 13 years and cheated 7 times."

Then the 'Bouncer' says, "Oh no... you get a **** car...It's over there..." He points to a horrid car in the distance and the man starts walking to the car sadly...

Then the 2 man comes up and says, "Well, i was married 24 years and cheated 3 times.. but she knew and we both agreed to be good people after that.. and i never cheated again!" ...
The 'Bouncer' says, "Good... you get a BMW, over there..."
He points to a great car and the man happily runs to the car.

Then the 3 man comes up and says "Married for 71 years and only cheated once in the first month."

The bouncer yells happily that he gets a Beautiful car that he has to get in the shop.. it was too nice to keep out in the sun...
Two hours later the 2 first men see the 3 man crying.. they both walk up and ask... "What is wrong!? You get a great wife AND a car!"
Then he says, "Well, on the way to my wife, i was driving .. and.. and.. well, SHE was on a skateboard!!!"

Answer 11

one day a girl came home and told her mom,"my friend said that were boys put their thingy, thats where the baby comes from?'
the mom said,"yeah.why"
the girl said" cause if they did wouldn't their teeth break!"
lol.that a bad but,funny joke.