Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Mine's is I had to get up and say something in front of the whole year group and stuff up completely when getting up I walked up the little stairs to get onto the stage and the last step I totally missed I landed straight on my face everyone started laughing but I busted my lip that hurt so much that I ended laughing... Don't ask me why I was laughing!!!!!!!!

2006-09-07 16:41:04 · 16 answers · asked by Shanny 3

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2006-09-07 16:30:36 · 22 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

2006-09-07 16:27:41 · 15 answers · asked by kauaiboi 2

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a
glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

2006-09-07 16:18:17 · 11 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

i was stopped by a cop the other night .... when i wound down my window he slapped me in the face , shocked i asked what that was for , he said "i work damn hard with no respect shown to me , when i get here have your drivers licence in your hand " ... then he walked slowly around the car and came to the passenger window , he knocked on it , when my mate opened it WACK! , another slap .... shocked my mate said "what was that for .... i'm not driving ?" .... the cop said "just fulfilling your wish " .... my mate said "what wish ?" .... the cop said "as soon as you pull away you'll say , i wish he'd of tried that **** with me ! "

2006-09-07 16:14:47 · 17 answers · asked by Gandalf 3

me and some friends wanna try and see if they actually work!!! so i need your best pick up line and the one that actually works will get the ten points!!!!

2006-09-07 16:11:03 · 24 answers · asked by zim 2

Mary had a little pig
she kept it fat and plastered
and when the price of pork went up
she shot the little bastard.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun
stupid Jill forgot the pill
and now they have a son.

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead
now it goes to school with her
between two hunks of bread.

2006-09-07 16:10:48 · 14 answers · asked by hexa 6

no details

2006-09-07 16:07:12 · 14 answers · asked by madman 2

...today I saw a dog chasing a cat.
They were both walking.

2006-09-07 16:05:18 · 12 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

2006-09-07 16:02:24 · 4 answers · asked by DiaBEEtus 3

Q: what did one eye say to the other eye?

A: just between you and me......something smells.

2006-09-07 15:50:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

a doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take the case if he felt he could not help them. Mr. and Mrs. adams went to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physicals exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, 'yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. on your way home from my offices stop at the supermarket and by some grapes and some donuts. go home, take off your clothes, and, you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s-eye in your wife’s love canal.
then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. then next, ma'am, you must take the donuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and eat a donut.'
the couple went home and their sex life improved out of sight. they told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. rainard, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the rainards and warned he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the rainards the bad news. ‘I cant help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex lie is as good as it will ever be. I’m sorry.’
The rainards pleaded with him, and said, ‘you helped our friends, now please, please help us.’
‘well, okay,’ the doctor said. ‘on your way home from the office, stop at the supermarket and buy some apples and a box of fruit loops…’

2006-09-07 15:50:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said , "Lord, take pitty on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up me Irish whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

2006-09-07 15:38:20 · 18 answers · asked by butterfly 5

A commercial airplane left from England to the United States, halfway across the pond the plane lost two engines. The pilot made this announcement: Ladies and gentlemen we have lost two engines and the only way we can make it to America is to get rid of as much excess weight as we can so I’m taking the plane down to a safe altitude so we can open the doors and get rid of all unnecessary baggage, Well, all the passengers threw all their baggage out the door.

The Pilot then said: Thank you but I still don’t think it is enough, so I’m going to have to ask for volunteers to jump off the plane.

A British man jumped out of his seat and headed for the door, as he jumped he yelled: “God save the Queen.”

A Frenchman jumped out of his seat and headed for the door and as he jumped he yelled: “Viva La France”

A big man from Texas, not to be outdone by a Brit and a Frenchman headed down the aisle towards the door, as he reached the door he reached down and grabbed two Mexicans and as he threw them out the door he yelled: “Remember the Alamo”

Come on that’s funny, and just a joke!

2006-09-07 15:37:21 · 12 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

2006-09-07 15:28:07 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

best one gets 10 points of course...
he he he

:)

2006-09-07 15:27:46 · 5 answers · asked by ♥♥ 4

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, 'That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.'

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. 'The bus driver insulted me.' she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: 'Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.'

'You're right.' She said. 'I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.'

'That's a good idea,' the man said. 'Here, let me hold your monkey.'

2006-09-07 15:26:47 · 30 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A woman was having dinner with her friend one night when a tall, dark, and handsome man walked in. She thought he was so goodlooking that she couldnt keep her eyes off him. The man noticed her stare and walked toward her. Before she could say she was sorry for staring, he leaned over and whispered, "I'll do anything you want, no matter how bizarre, for $20.. on one condition. You must tell me your desire in just three words." The woman calmly considered his proposition, then pressed $20 along with her address into the mans hand. She looked into his eyes and seductively said, "Clean my house."
:):):) ha ha

2006-09-07 15:20:56 · 12 answers · asked by butterfly 5

http://www.all4humor.com/videos/funny-videos/funny-mall-prank.html

2006-09-07 15:19:56 · 9 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

Yo Mama so dumb she was walking to and fro on the driveway, so I swerved around her. But when I did, I ran out of gas!

2006-09-07 15:14:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am the hottest thing for your body but I am nor in a fire or in the center of the earth. I am the source of all wars and also the source of peace. What Am I?

These riddles I need to find answers to thank you for your help!!!

2006-09-07 15:06:05 · 7 answers · asked by Cheria 1

What goes up, but at the same time goes down, up to the sky and down to the ground, my present tense and my past tense too, lets go for a ride just me and you...what am i?

2006-09-07 14:27:41 · 14 answers · asked by Nostradamus 3

What do you put on a sandwich during rush hour?

2006-09-07 14:25:41 · 12 answers · asked by sonjirosario123 2

answer as many as you can to get 10 points

1. part of a clock?
2. a tropical tree?
3. a cut of meat?
4. bent macaroni?
5 a student?
6. a flower?
7. a pot cover?
8. corn on the cob?
9. first part of a rocket?
10. part of a river?
11. a bed of spring flowers?
12. part of a shoe?
13. the edge of a saw?
14. a young cow?

2006-09-07 14:25:17 · 13 answers · asked by purplerose08 1

2006-09-07 13:43:55 · 4 answers · asked by DiaBEEtus 3

give me a funny joke or story or something. i need to laugh!

2006-09-07 13:36:39 · 19 answers · asked by Gureno 1

What is nothing? Now listen to the details...I would appeciate more out-of-the-box replies. Simply looking up the word nothing in the dictionary would not help me...Try not to think too hard!

I've come up with several examples like: Nothing is buying a fish tank and no fish..

Or, arriving home to an empty mansion..

If you could help, that would be awesome!

2006-09-07 13:35:51 · 15 answers · asked by Speedy G 3

A dictator

2006-09-07 13:30:03 · 20 answers · asked by ? 4

10 points to the first correct answer

2006-09-07 13:25:23 · 8 answers · asked by pynki♪ 3

its a riddle and the answer is not people.

2006-09-07 13:19:56 · 5 answers · asked by kiddy_k 1