Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

There were three men on a camping holiday, all in a tent in a farmers field. In the morning the three men told eachother what they had dreamt the night before.

The one on the left said "I dreamt that someone was pulling my knob all night!"

The one on the right said "I also dreamt someone was pulling my knob all night."

The one in the middle said "I dreamt i was skiing."

2006-09-07 20:21:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A plane crashes on a desert island and only three men survive.

As the men come to their senses they see another man approching them, as he gets closer he speaks to them,

"There is only one port on this island where you can get a ship to safety" he says, "However, I am a cannibal and i'm hungry so i'm going to make you a deal"...

"I'm going to get my dick out and if all three of your dicks put together are of equal size or bigger then i'll guide you to the port, if they are smaller I will kill you all and eat you".

All three men readily agree thinking there's no possible way they can lose.

As the cannibal gets his dick out, they see it's 20 inches long!

The first man of the three gets his out and it's 10 inches long, feeling confident now, the second man gets his 9 inches out. Finally the third man gets his dick out and although its only 1 inch long the trio still win the bet.

The cannibal keeps his word and leads them to safety. Sometime later on the boat home the first man begins to brag...

"You two are lucky my dick is 10 inches long you know", he says to his companions. They agree and congratulate the man on havin such a long penis.

After a while the second man says, "You two are very lucky my dick is 9 inches long or we would of been eaten by that cannibal back there", once again, his two companions agree.

As the night nears its end they ask the third man his thoughts on the experience, "All I have to say" begins the third man, "is that you two are damn lucky I had an erection"

2006-09-07 20:20:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A prospective student was being interviewed for admission to a
Prestigious Management Institute. Interviewer said "I shall either ask
you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well
Before you make up your mind!"

The boy thought for a while and

said, "My choice is one really difficult
question."

Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice. Now tell me
This, "What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the
Correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's
the DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked.

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"

He was selected!!!!

Moral of the Story: "Technical Skill is the mastery of complexity, while
Creativity is the mastery of simplicity!!!

2006-09-07 20:13:56 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-07 19:41:35 · 14 answers · asked by Insomnia 2

2006-09-07 19:41:20 · 21 answers · asked by playguitar212 1

Standing there in the field early in the morning, doing nothing. After about 2 months passed, the man asked the neighbor why he was just standing out there doing nothing everyday The neighbor replied that he had heard you could get a Noble Prize for being out standing in your field.

2006-09-07 19:39:55 · 5 answers · asked by Jacks036 5

2006-09-07 19:37:07 · 22 answers · asked by Brettster 1

just look in the mirror!

Just kidding, you're beautiful

2006-09-07 19:33:43 · 17 answers · asked by Simon Says Touch Your Nose 5

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What does one magnet say to another?
A: I am attracted to you!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

How do you define a kidnapper?

Have fun!

2006-09-07 19:28:27 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

The defendant asked, "would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge," said the lawyer.

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

The lawyer replied, "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them."

"But, I did send them," said the defendant.

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously.

The defendant says, "Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

The defendant smiles as he replies, "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

2006-09-07 18:35:55 · 14 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to
spend the night with her for $500. So they did,
and before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but that he would have
his secretary write a check and mail it to her,
calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the
way to the office he regretted what he had done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the
price. So he had his secretary send a check for
$250 and enclosed the following note:

Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for
rent of your apartment. I am not sending the
amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and
at home. Last night, however, I found out that it
had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250.00 with the following
note:

Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect
a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied
indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the
space, the apartment is indeed of regular size,
but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please do not blame the landlady.

2006-09-07 18:31:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you guess the name of his youngest daughter?

2006-09-07 18:12:42 · 36 answers · asked by kbit03 2

I once wrote a love letter to this girl , but because I was too scared to put it in her locker I paid my friend to do it for me. She caught him doing it and the SOB pretended it was his love letter. I couldn't prove it was mine so I wrote up a bunch of the same letters with other girls names on them and put them in my friend's locker. It worked perfectly - he opened his locker, they fell out, she picked them up and looked at them, she slapped him and told him where to go. Payback's a *****!

2006-09-07 18:10:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the
barkeeper and, when he is standing in front of her, she asks
him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends
over the desk and starts to caress his beard.
"Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently
touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let
first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he
gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his
mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel
in the ladies room!"


he he he...how was it?

2006-09-07 18:06:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a key but i open no door
I will never fit into any lock
I help to play music but only with others of my own kind
I can not do my job alone,

What am I?

2006-09-07 18:00:06 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The farmer's wife hears a knock on the door and answers it to see her husband standing there holding a pig.
She asks "What's going on?"
The farmer says "Sweetheart, I've a confession to make. I've been having sex with this animal behind your back and I'm ashamed!"
His wife is shocked and she says "Thank you for telling me. I'm sure we can work this out."
The farmer says to his wife "I was talking to the pig"

2006-09-07 17:52:09 · 11 answers · asked by Paladin 4

a rubber band, baby.

2006-09-07 17:45:57 · 14 answers · asked by caffeinated052 2

> Quickie #1
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.

> Quickie #2
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-09-07 17:45:43 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

what do you call a group of musical condoms?

2006-09-07 17:38:55 · 11 answers · asked by caffeinated052 2

(\__/)
(O.o )
(> < )

this rabbit is going to take over the world and there is nothing any
one can do

2006-09-07 17:37:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

...It's Every Whore You Want To Be.

2006-09-07 17:37:25 · 3 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

...The Quicker Puker Upper.

2006-09-07 17:35:46 · 5 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

...I'm Glovin' It!

2006-09-07 17:30:10 · 8 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

A couple is lying in bed.The man says,"I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."

2006-09-07 17:26:25 · 9 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

i'm looking for wit.
say something funny.

thanks.

2006-09-07 17:14:38 · 17 answers · asked by thing 1 2

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

2006-09-07 17:14:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

...when I was a kid my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

2006-09-07 17:08:37 · 24 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

...then I noticed I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

2006-09-07 17:02:32 · 6 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

...I turned on the radio and I can't understand a word they're saying.

2006-09-07 16:53:54 · 7 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

...I don't know if I'm coming or going.

2006-09-07 16:45:21 · 11 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5