Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

1. I do physical labour
2. I work in great depths
3. I have to go in head first
4. I do not get days off, weekends or public holidays
5. I work in a damp environment
6. I work in high temperatures
7. My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Response from management

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for a raise
based on the following criteria:

1. You never work 8 hours straight
2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team
4. You do not stay in your workstation area, often you visit
other areas
5. You take many non-scheduled breaks
6. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order for you to begin your work
7. You leave your workstation messy after your shift
8. You don't always observe OSHA measures, such as wearing the
correct protective outfits
9. You don't wait till pension before retiring
10. You don't like to work double shifts
11. You have been observed entering and leaving the work place
carrying two suspicious bags.

2006-09-07 09:59:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paris Hilton was just arrested on a DUI charge. Since she was such a bad girl, maybe we should give her an internationally televised spanking on CNN. Should the judge order this?

2006-09-07 09:54:19 · 13 answers · asked by Fat Bastard 2

'Doctor' he screams 'I think i'm a lightbulb'

The doctor looks at him and say's, 'Lighten up man, lighten lighten up.'

2006-09-07 09:43:02 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only story-type, CLEAN jokes. NO Yo Momma or any insulting jokes. I need some jokes bad... here's 2 of mine:

A little boy on his trycicle asked the man in the pickup next to him if he wanted to race. The man agreed, so when the stoplight turned red, he went 10 mph. The bot went back a little, then came back next to the man. him. So he went 30 mph. But he was still there. 50, then 80 mph, and the boy was still right next too him. So the man sped up to 100 mph. The boy was still there! The man pulled to a stop, as did the little boy.
The boy was breathing hard. The man asked him how he did that.
"gasp... gasp... My shirt was...stuck in your door!" the boy replied.



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice anand gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his horror, there were twelve dinner guest seated at the table for his surprise birthday party.

2006-09-07 09:33:50 · 5 answers · asked by I ♥ Maximum Ride 3

i was told this riddle and i dont know the answer to it yet but i couldnt come up with any possible answers at all maybe you can help me,it goes like this....A man hung himself and hes hanging four feet from the ground,theres absolutley nothing around him,no noose no trees nothing at all except a small puddle directly beneath him. How did he hang himself?

2006-09-07 09:31:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Tech Support
*This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you
skip
any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all
true!!!!* =================================*
Tech support:* What kind of computer do you have?*
Female customer:* A white one...
===============*
**Customer:* Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.*
Tech support:* Have you tried pushing the Button?*
Customer:* Yes, sure, it's really stuck.*
Tech support:* That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.*
Customer:* No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my
desk... sorry....
===============
*Tech support:* Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.*
Customer:* Your left or my left?
===============
*Tech support:* Good day. How may I help you?*
Male customer:* Hello... I can't print.*
Tech support:* Would you click on "start" for me and...*
Customer:* Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not
Bill
Gates.
===============
*Customer:* Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find
it...
===============
*Customer:* I have problems printing in red...*
Tech support:* Do you have a color printer?*
Customer:* Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
*Tech support:* What's on your monitor now, ma'am?*
Customer:* A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
*Customer:* My keyboard is not working anymore.*
Tech support:* Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?*
Customer:* No. I can't get behind the computer.*
Tech support:* Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back*
Customer:* OK*
Tech support:* Did the keyboard come with you?
*Customer:* Yes*
Tech support:* That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another
keyboard?*
Customer:* Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
*Tech support:* Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.*
Customer:* Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
*Customer:* I can't get on the Internet.*
Tech support:* Are you sure you used the right password?*
Customer:* Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.*
Tech support:* Can you tell me what the password was?*
Customer:* Five stars.
===============
*Tech support:* What anti-virus program do you use?*
Customer:* Netscape.*
Tech support:* That's not an anti-virus program.*
Customer:* Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
*Customer:* I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my
computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
*Tech support:* How may I help you?*
Customer:* I'm writing my first e-mail.*
Tech support:* OK, and what seems to be the problem?*
Customer:* Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the
circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
*
Tech support:* Are you running it under windows?*
Customer:* "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The
man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is
working fine."
===============
And last but not least...*
**
Tech support:* "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"*
Customer:* I don't have a P.*
Tech support:* On your keyboard, Bob.*
Customer:* What do you mean?*
Tech support:* "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.*
Customer:* I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

2006-09-07 09:16:56 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

because the last time a black person had a dream he got shot

2006-09-07 09:12:23 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. . .

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing
Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for
state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ***, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

2006-09-07 08:31:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

farmer was going to town with a fox, a goose and a sack of corn. When he came to a stream, he had to cross in a tiny boat, and could only take across one thing at a time. However, if he left the fox alone with the goose, the fox would eat the goose, and if he left the goose alone with the corn, the goose would eat the corn. How does he get them all safely over the stream?


I AM THE RIDDLE MASTER

2006-09-07 08:30:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is the riddle:

In a street there are five houses, painted five different colors.

- In each house lives a person of different nationality

- These five homeowners each drink a different kind of beverage, smoke different brand of cigar and keep a different pet.

Einstein's riddle is: Who owns the fish?

HINTS:

Necessary clues:

1. The British man lives in a red house.
2. The Swedish man keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Danish man drinks tea.
4. The Green house is next to, and on the left of the White house.
5. The owner of the Green house drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the Yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes Blends lives next to the one who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The man who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.

2006-09-07 08:27:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i got one <2 eggs in a frying pan one said "Man its HOT in here" and the other one said "HOLY **** A TALKING EGG!"

2006-09-07 08:13:15 · 6 answers · asked by Sig 2

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't freaking bother you for weeks!

Who's Your Daddy?

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms. It is scary to think that these women are breeding. (My favorite is the last one)

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was, as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. BWAA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-07 08:07:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I haven't seen The Aristocrats, but they keep mentioning this dirty joke that every comic knows. What is that joke??

2006-09-07 08:05:05 · 7 answers · asked by kokubenji 3

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that
it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop
assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues,
"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball
for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for
$19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for
$265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"

"That should be obvious!" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture."

2006-09-07 07:57:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the worst job you ever had? I had to pay off a fine and the only job I could find in a hurry was at (what they called) a rabbit farm (the only good thing about it was it paid under the table). This probably isn't what you are thinking. I had to gut the rabbits. When I got them they didn't look like rabbits, the head, fur and 3 feet were gone the other foot was on a hook. I had to get all the inside stuff out. I can tell you now, if I had to do it over again I wouldn't. As soon as I got my fine paid off I quit. There are some good things that butchering a rabbit is good for. The blood which is saved and seperated (done by a big spinning machine) is sent to collages for research, something in a rabbits brain (I didn't do that part) hospitals use to break up blood clots in a human body and I asked the owner who she sells the rabbit meat too (other than local buyers, she said, " her biggest buyer is Meijers. Sorry if I grossed anyone out, but that's my worst job.

2006-09-07 07:56:14 · 7 answers · asked by melbow35 2

LoL...... This question is simply for fun. BEST ANSWER WINS!

2006-09-07 07:33:58 · 16 answers · asked by digitaldancer22 4

2006-09-07 07:32:55 · 9 answers · asked by Lionel M 5

hmv (music shop) is the best dating agencey because they have a singels dept

2006-09-07 06:57:17 · 49 answers · asked by ak222002 4

what Family Guy character are you... this is funny!

http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=840

I am Peter... lol

2006-09-07 06:43:32 · 11 answers · asked by Fatty McButterpants 5

For EX:True love is like a pillow. U cud HUG it when U R in trouble.
U cud CRY on it when U R in PAIN.U cud EMBRACE it when U R in HAPPY.

2006-09-07 06:42:11 · 22 answers · asked by sravan 1

2006-09-07 06:40:47 · 6 answers · asked by brother from QG 3

2006-09-07 06:31:46 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

B'cuz i've been told that women actually are attracted to men that resembles their dads!


LOL!!!!

2006-09-07 06:24:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

4_4_4_4=20
Fill in the underscores with appropriate mathematical symbols to get the equations right.
FYI... there are more than one answer :)

2006-09-07 06:19:28 · 11 answers · asked by XYZ 2

Funniest joke gets the price: 10 pts.!

2006-09-07 06:06:51 · 8 answers · asked by brother from QG 3

2006-09-07 05:44:06 · 25 answers · asked by hermione 1

Excluding genetics

http://images5.theimagehosting.com/Dscf0454.7e3.jpg

2006-09-07 05:34:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play
date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies
sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal
questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is
getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her
friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you
are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you
find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly,
"I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young
lady?"






"Because you got an F in sex."

2006-09-07 04:57:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-07 04:55:24 · 14 answers · asked by phoenix 2

I live in water if you cut my head i'm at your door, if you cut my tail i'm a fruit, if you cut both then i'm with you.

2006-09-07 04:40:15 · 15 answers · asked by paramasivan u 1