September 2006 Funny Jokes SHOWDOWN!! Post your questions here and we'll see whose joke(s) is/are the funniest

Question

Hey, red, that joke is great! You may even get the 10 pts if no one posts a better one.

Answer 1

ok here are some mine :)

Knock on a door, a woman answers the door, in the doorway stands her husband's boss. He said hello m'am. Is your husband home? SHe says no, he is not. The boss says ok, then tell him that starting tomorrow he is fired!! 6 hours later her husband comes home. Wife greets him with a smile and hugs and says honey i have some good and some bad news for you! Which one do you want first? Oh give me the bad ones first, he says. She says ok, well your boss was here and he asked me to tell you that starting tomorrow you are fired. Her husband got mad and said Oh f*ck him! and she says well tha'ts the good news. That's exactly what i did, now you can come back to work tomorrow!!

and here another one
Nude beach. Family consisting of mom dad and little daughter come to the beach. The girls parents undress and lay down to get some tan and their daughter went to swim. While she way away her parents see the following picture. An old man comes up there a few away from them and they noticed that he was walking funny. His legs were tight together and he was half jumping half walking. So he got to the spot he liked the most, undressed and buried himself in the sand. Their daughter comes back and as she passes the spot where the man was buried, she notices something is sticking out. She figured it was a cucumber. So she wanted to rip it out, so she grabs it and starts jerking it up and down. wouldn't budge...so she comes to her parents and said momy momy there is a cucmber growing overthere. I tried pulling it out, but it woudln't budge, what should i do? Her mom says oh try to cut it off with scissors. So she grabs the scisors but every time she tries to cut it, the cucumber kept slipping from it, so she comes back to her mom all upset and says momy momy i coudln't cut it, it's slippery, but i really want that cucumber!! Her mom says well..ok then just bite it off. So the girl comes tries it then comes back and says momy, I tried to bite it off and isntead it poured it's juice right into my mouth! Yummm!!

Here are some others. These are actual customer service conversatiosn recorded. i find them hilarious!\

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest thingsin a longtime. I think this guy should have been promoted,not fired. This is a truestory from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from arecording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help
Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden
the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept
anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a
TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -
it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I
have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it
licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%ing stupid to own a
computer!!!!!"



I hope u enjoy them :)-

Answer 2

There was a blonde cop that pulled over a blonde lady that had been speeding on the highway, the blonde cop walked up to the window and asked to see her license and registration. The blonde driver finds her registration but cannot find her license. So the blonde driver asks the blonde cop, "What does it look like?" The blonde cop replied, "It's kind of square and has a picture of you on it..." So the blonde driver fumbles around a little bit more in her car to find it... she finally came across a square compact, opened it and saw that it was her! She handed the compact to the blonde cop as her license, when the blonde cop opened it she said "Oh, I'm sorry ma'am... I didn't know you were a cop...!"

Answer 3

I have one, but I just want to comment on how great Fatty's answer was... great one babe.

A black family went to the circus and while they were watching the elephants, dad went to the restroom. While they were watching the elephants, one of them stood up on its hind legs, exposing his large penis. The 6 year old boy asked his mom what that was. "oh, its nothing dear", his mom said. A few minutes later, dad came back and then it was moms turn to go to the bathroom. Another elephant stood on his hind legs and exposed his large penis. The 6 year old asked his dad was that was. "oh, thats his penis, son". The boy asked "how come when I asked mom, she said it was nothing?". Dad replied "because son, I spoiled your mother"!

Answer 4

kind of sick...but pretty funny:

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Answer 5

Why did the pervert cross the road...... D*ck was stuck in the chicken!

I know it's old....2 Pt's.

Answer 6

ok . .