Joke Time!!!?

Question

Only story-type, CLEAN jokes. NO Yo Momma or any insulting jokes. I need some jokes bad... here's 2 of mine:

A little boy on his trycicle asked the man in the pickup next to him if he wanted to race. The man agreed, so when the stoplight turned red, he went 10 mph. The bot went back a little, then came back next to the man. him. So he went 30 mph. But he was still there. 50, then 80 mph, and the boy was still right next too him. So the man sped up to 100 mph. The boy was still there! The man pulled to a stop, as did the little boy.
The boy was breathing hard. The man asked him how he did that.
"gasp... gasp... My shirt was...stuck in your door!" the boy replied.



Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself that,' so he made the supreme sacrifice anand gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!' She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, 'Surprise!'

To his horror, there were twelve dinner guest seated at the table for his surprise birthday party.

I meant "Clean" as, No adult, stuff, drinking, etc.

Answer 1

LOL,

HAHAHA HEHEHEHE, SORRY BUT I CAN'T STOP GIGGELING ABOUT THAT LAST JOKE.

Answer 2

O, this is a really good one:

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Here's another:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good" said the bat, "Because I sure didn't!"

hope you like them!!!

Answer 3

there was a farmer, he had three sons, 13,14,15. the 13 year old asked his father for a skateboard,his father said son do you see that john Deere tractor? when that is paid for i will buy you a skateboard. his 14 year old asked his father for a four wheeler. his father replied do you see that john Deere tractor? well when that is paid for i will buy you a four wheeler. the 15 year old asked his father for a car. his father replied do you see that john Deere tractor? well when its paid for i will buy you a car. the 13 year old was walking near the barn when he spied a rooster mounting a hen,he picked up a stick and dislodged the rooster from the hen stating to the rooster that nobody was riding anything until that john Deere was paid for.

Answer 4

a doc an his wife r fightin, all rite?
he ends by shoutin,"well your not so good in bed either."
when at work he decides to apologise, and calls his wife. after a lot a rings, she picks up he asks ,"what took u so long"
she answered,"i was getting a second opinion"

Answer 5

You told two old jokes. The first is an old one; I heard it was with a fast dog.
The second is also old. It is WAAAY too long and the punchline can be guessed.
You also asked for clean jokes and broke your own rule.