Jokes & Riddles - September 2006

Im putting together a cannibal joke book

2006-09-06 17:11:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-06 17:09:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

when i woke up my pillow was gone. does this mean anything?

2006-09-06 16:48:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

At a bus stop 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them says the
following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again
And pee twice.
Then I come one la-sta time."
"You foul-mouthed s*x obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places about our s*x
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta s*x? I'm a justa
tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi'."

2006-09-06 16:33:34 · 13 answers · asked by .oh snap.london bridge.oh snap. 3

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_(word)

Rhyme
Orange is often noted as one of the most common words in English that does not rhyme with any other word. Although perhaps not well-known, there are two words that ryhme with it. Blorenge is one, and it is a mountain range and town in Wales. The second is Gorringe, which is a surname.

For those who don't believe it rhymes, the closest approximation is door-hinge, although torn hinge, or inch, a wrench, and flange [1] have also been suggested.

Some made-up words have rhymed with orange:

grorange — a blend of green and the color orange (found in a Mario Brothers novel)
korange — a hypothetical hybrid of the orange and the kumquat
borange — "rubbish", "of poor quality" (a coinage of comedian Ross Noble on the Triple J Ross & Terri show).
atgrynge — the plural of "atgry" , an alternative name for the commercial at symbol (@) .

2006-09-06 16:30:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have asked countles people, and no one has been able to answer this for me yet...

2006-09-06 16:26:16 · 13 answers · asked by BoMbS_aWaY 2

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

2006-09-06 16:21:30 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

It is sad that someone like twobitchessplayer would post something like that. VERY COLD!!!!

2006-09-06 16:09:44 · 11 answers · asked by flowermama1971 2

for a physical. He checks me out & says- "You're stupid!"

I said "Hey! I'd like a 2nd opinion!"

He goes "Ok, you're ugly too!"

2006-09-06 16:09:22 · 8 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

Looking to get a check up. Dr. says- "We just have to fill out these forms 1st, sir. Name?"

Guy answers- "Sally."

Dr. says- "'SALLY?! Isn't that a straaaange name for a man?"

Guy says- "That's what my wife Herman says!"


:)

2006-09-06 16:06:28 · 9 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

My joke was too long to fit here. Go here to see it. Look for "JOKE".... :-)

http://messages.answers.yahoo.com/answers/forumview?bn=SEA-YahooAnswers

2006-09-06 16:03:44 · 5 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

She can't cook. She's TERRible. At MY house we pray AFTER we eat!

2006-09-06 15:48:27 · 15 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

i know this isnt a real question but im bored

cm'on!!! TEN POINTS TO BEST!!!!!!

2006-09-06 15:47:18 · 11 answers · asked by zim 2

Armadillos sleep in the middle of the road with all four feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Texas.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Texas, plus a few no one has ever seen before.

Raccoons will test your melon crop, and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it will stick you. If it crawls, it will bite you!

Nothing will kill a mesquite tree.

There are valid reasons some people put razor wire around their house.

A tractor is NOT an all terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

The wind blows at 90 mph from Oct 2 till June 25; then it stops totally until October 2.

Onced and twiced are words.

Coldbeer is one word

People actually grow and eat okra.

Green grass DOES burn.

When you live in the country you don't have to buy a dog. City people drop them off at your front gate in the middle of the night.

The sound of coyotes howling at night only sounds good for the first few weeks.

When a buzzard sits on the fence and stares at you, it's time to see a doctor

Fix-in-to, is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There is only breakfast, dinner and then there's supper.

"Sweetened ice tea" is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you are two. You also give it to babies for colic..Just a tid-bit.

"Backwards and forwards" means I know everything about you.

"Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat?"

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done, or it's too dark to see.

You measure distance in minutes or hours.

You can switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

Stores don't have bags. They have sacks.

You see cars with the engine running in the Wal-mart parking lot with no one in them, no matter what time of the year.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit or a vegetable.

You install security lights on your house and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You carry jumper cables for your own car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only have four spices in your kitchen: Salt, Pepper, Ketchup, and Tabasco.

You think everyone from north of Dallas has an accent.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages to cover Friday night high school football.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

You find 100 degrees a "tad" warm.

The four seasons are: Almost summer, summer, still summer and Christmas.

You know whether another Texan is from East, West, North, or South Texas as soon as he opens his mouth.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin Wal-Martin" or "off to Wally-world".

You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili-eatin' weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop....It's a Coke regardless of brand or flavor.

2006-09-06 15:45:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guys are about to get exectued. The guard says we'll let you go IF you can yell out a natural disaster.

They point to teh 1st guy & he yells- "TORNADO!" - They let him go.

Point to the 2nd guy, he yells- "EARTHQUAAAAKE!" They let him go.

3rd guy yells- "FIREEE!!"

:)

2006-09-06 15:41:11 · 5 answers · asked by Fonzie T 7

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having a terrible time keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the bandleader said, "Look, either you learn to keep time or I'll throw you overboard. It's up to you, sync or swim."

2006-09-06 15:38:15 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

2006-09-06 15:09:24 · 10 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

A family was on its way to the hospital, where the 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy.

She had never been in a hospital before, and was pretty nervous.

During the ride, the teenager and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.

"Dad," the girl asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"

Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."

2006-09-06 15:06:42 · 17 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

knock knock ?

2006-09-06 14:41:57 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at
the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference." the manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead.

"Dead?" says his friend, "why would you say that?"

The first guy says, "Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?" asks the first guy. "Now why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window."

2006-09-06 14:39:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever puppy had fresh air.

She was on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the
car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"


I could see her intently watching me, tail wagging furiously.

I took a few more steps back and repeated, "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said...

"Why don't you just put it in park?"

2006-09-06 14:37:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first caption/scene is as described; the second caption/scene has the quoter coming out of the toilet. It is a humorous poster/placard.

2006-09-06 14:36:10 · 2 answers · asked by rufjr 1

Something to lift my spirits. I just did a necessary evil...

2006-09-06 14:27:03 · 10 answers · asked by JustLynn 6

2006-09-06 14:22:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-09-06 14:14:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his
>wife and pinched her on the butt and said,"If you firm this
>up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."
>While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
>
>The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on
>each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed
>these up, we could get rid of your bra."
>
>This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and
>grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she
>said,"You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of
>the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

2006-09-06 13:57:22 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There is an answer to this. Best answer goes to the first correct one.

2006-09-06 13:48:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

I once ate lots of natural foods then learned that most people die of natural freaking causes!

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.'"

She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.

He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he's far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace as he approaches the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-09-06 13:26:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hand Jobs & Cheese!

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
---------------------------------
Cheese Sandwich $ 1.50
Chicken Sandwich $ 2.50
Hand Job $10.00
---------------------------------

Checking his wallet he finds one single ten dollar bill. He walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes
serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the
hand-jobs?"

"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am!"

The man replies "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

2006-09-06 13:06:21 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

This is ONE smart little girl

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

2006-09-06 13:02:17 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4