tell me a funny joke and 10 points is urs!?

Question

give me a funny joke or story or something. i need to laugh!

Answer 1

Its thanksgiving and this family, lets call them the browns, is having a party. the little girl goes up to her mom and asks "mom, whats a *****?" The mom replies "Oh, thats a lady sweety." "What's a bastard?" Oh, thats a gentlman sweety." "ok." the mom is cutting the turkey and she says "f**k!" The little girl asks "Whats f**k?" the mom replies "Oh, thats a seasoning that goes on the turkey. "ok" The girl goes upstairs to talk to her dad. her dad is shaving and he cuts himself. he says "s**t!" the little girl asks "Whats s**t?" the dad replies "Oh thats the shaving cream." "ok" the girl goes downstairs to greet the guests coming in. she says "Hi bitches and bastards. Can i take your coats? My mom and dad would be here to greet you but my moms f**king the turkey and my dads wiping s**t off his face."

Answer 2

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to go out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had give his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Michigan girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day
he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. Got to Love them Michigan girls!

Answer 3

What Do I Look Like?

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”

A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV.

One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.

His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?"

She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said.

"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

Answer 4

a pregnet girl was walking in an ally. a guy popped out and shoot her 3 times in her stomach. she had the kids and they were all fine. she had 2 girls and a boy. one day her 2 daughters came to her both 16 and said mom i just pissed out a bullet. so she told them the story of what happened. the son came down 2 days later and the mother said let me guess u pissed a bullet out no mom he said i hit the dog with it while i was masturbating.

Answer 5

A nun walks into a liquor store and ask for a bottle of vodka. The shop owner says. "You know I can't do that, mother Superior said that if I sold you anymore and you got drunk that she would shut me down.

The nun says, "Its OK, its for medicinal purposes you wont get in trouble."

"I can't take that risk," the store keeper says, "I have 2 kids in college and I can't afford for the shop to get shut down."

"I assure you that you wont get into trouble, I am going to use it to help mother Superior herself."

Reassured that it was for mother Superior he relented and sold her the vodka. Half an hour later he was taking out the trash to the ally and found the nun swinging from a light pole, singing Jimmy Buffet songs, and drunk as a skunk.

The shop keeper flipped out, "What the hell are you doing," he screamed, "You said that it was for mother Superior!"

"Oh but it is.............







Mother Superior is constipated and don't you know she is gonna sh*t when she sees me!"

Answer 6

1-(Bush, Einstein and Picasso)

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.
Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."





2-(5 presidents are on a plane)

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, and George W. Bush.

George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.

Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then John Adams says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws George W. Bush off the plane.

Answer 7

How do you know your coalman is having an affair?

He comes out of your next door neighbours house with one clean finger.

Answer 8

A cannibal tells another - I do not like my mother in law
2nd one tells- Try with sauce

Answer 9

Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken wasn't a known species yet.

Answer 10

This guy is driving his mercedes down the street, with a bag of candy and sees this little boy. and says,"little boy, if you come in my car, I'll give you a piece of candy"
The little boy says,"Give me the bag ...and I'll c*m in your mouth"