Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

get your biscuits in the oven and your buns in bed

get your tongue outta my mouth 'cause I’m kissing you goodbye

her teeth were stained, but her heart was pure

how can I miss you if you wont go away

I cant get over you, so why don’t you get under me?

I don’t know whether to kill myself or go bowling

I just sold a car to a guy that stole my girl, the car don’t run so I figure we got an even deal

I keep forgettin' I forgot about you

I liked you better before i knew you so well

I still miss you baby, but my aims gettin' better

I wouldn’t take her to a dog fight, cause I’m afraid she'd win

I’ll marry tomorrow, but lets honeymoon tonight

I’m so miserable without you, its like having you here

I’ve got tears in my ears from lying on my back while I cry over you

if I had shot you when I wanted to, I’d be out by now

mamma get a hammer(there’s a fly on papas head)

my head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus

my wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him

she got the ring and I got the finger

you done tore out my heart, and stomped that sucker flat

you’re the reason our kids are so ugly

2006-08-30 05:03:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I say smart a** comments, tell jokes that seem to make people mad, what's wrong with these people they don't know how to take jokes any more or smart a** comments. Most people take things to serious gotch. These people need to get a life and have some sarcasim in there life.

2006-08-30 04:47:52 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If you are in a dark room with a candle, a wood stove and a gas lamp. You only have one match, so what would you light first?

2. Which word, if pronounced right, is wrong, but if pronounced wrong is right?

2006-08-30 04:40:12 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was a boy who came into school late and the techer asked where he was at he said on top of cherry hill then another boy came to school late and the teacher asked where he was at he said on top cherey hill then a gurl came into class and the teacher asked where she was then she said let me guess on top of cherry hiil and the gurl said i am cherry hill

2006-08-30 04:31:39 · 67 answers · asked by Anonymous

how can u get 2 + 5 = 11????

2006-08-30 04:30:15 · 11 answers · asked by pal . 2

There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."

So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells "Oh Shitt!"

2006-08-30 04:22:41 · 12 answers · asked by maxvijay2003 3

two gay men lost and dieing in a desert....god tells them ,only 1 can go to heaven,,you know which 1 gets to go ?

2006-08-30 04:18:34 · 20 answers · asked by rocket9244 4

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."



A dyslexic man walks into a bra.



A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."



A drunk walks into a bar. "Ouch!" he says.



Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted...peanut.



A man walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says, "OK, you can stay, but don't try and start nothin'."



Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, "Why the long face?"



This cowboy walks into a bar and orders a beer. His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and his vest are made of waxed paper, and his chaps, pants, even his boots are made of paper, even his spurs are made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrested him for rustling.



A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.



A grasshopper walks into a bar. And the bartender said, "Can it really be true? We've got a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper said,” Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"



A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing?" And the blind man says, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."



Rene Descartes was in a bar. At last call, the bartender asks him if he'd like another. Descartes says, "I think not." And he disappears.



A man walks into a bar and there's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar, and they sit and have a drink together, and she leans over and says, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." So he takes off his jacket and says, "I need this ironed."



This duck walks into a bar, and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down around your ankles."



A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?” The pirate replies, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”



A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "Hey," the bartender says, "what's his name?" "Tiny," the man replies. "Why call him that?" the bartender says. "Because he's my newt."



A string walks into a pub and orders a drink. "Sorry, we don't serve strings," says the barman. "What? That’s discrimination," says the string. So the string walks into the bathroom and ties himself in a knot and messes up his end. He comes back out and approaches the bar and again attempts to order a drink. "Aren't you that string I just refused to serve?" asks the barman. "No. I'm afraid not."



A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a doctor, an engineer and a blond walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, what is this, some kind of a joke?"



This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."



This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says, “What’ll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club



A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla replies "I'm not surprised at these prices."



A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"



Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."



Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'



A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that a man at the bar said I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog. The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street. A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bar tender "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw"



A five-dollar bill walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Get outa here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."



A guy goes into a Chinese bar and says, "How 'bout a Stoly?" The bartender says, "Once upon a time...."



Guys walking down the street & sees 'Word Bar' sign. He walks in & sees a woman behind the counter. "What's all this Word Bar stuff"? he asks. She says "Exactly what it says - we've got Verbs, Prepositions, Hyperbole, Punctuation - whatever you want". "Ok" says the guy - "gimme an entendre" "Single or double?" she asks, "Make it a double!" She raises one eyebrow & looks him up & down with a sly grin & says: "Don't you mean a LARGE one?"



A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,” I’ll tell it very slowly."



A doctor used to visit the same bar every day and order the same drink day in/day out. "Fix me an almond Daiquiri, Dick!" the fellow asked. "Coming right up!". This was the way it went for years on end. Finally one day, the bartender realized there were no more almonds anywhere in his inventory, and his customer was waiting anxiously at the bar for his favorite beverage. In a hurry, he figured that he could use a hickory nut, crush it up, the man would never know the difference. Well, the doctor took a sip of the drink and said "Is this an almond Daiquiri, Dick?". "Well, no, it's a hickory Daiquiri, Doc."



After a rather wet night the bartender asks Bruce, who's lying on the floor "Would you like a chair there?" "No, I'm okay standing, thanks."



A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and asks the barman "Have you seen my brother?". The barman asks, "What does he look like?".



A goldfish walks into a bar, jumps up on a bar stool and looks at the bartender really hard. The bartender asks the goldfish "What can I get you?" Goldfish keeps looking at the guy really deep and hard in a gasp "Water."



Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender says "Olive or Twist?"



A chicken walks into a bar, looks around and says to the barman "Sorry, wrong joke"



Two drunks are in a bar. First one: "My wife is an angel" Second one: "You are lucky! Mine is still alive."



A guy walked into a bar. As he was ordering his first drink, he looked around and saw a guy down at the end of the bar falling off his stool. He said to himself "Aw, man, this is disgusting, somebody ought to do something." He walked over and said "Hey, buddy, let me give you a ride home." He picked the drunk up and dragged him to the door of the bar. He had to prop the guy up against the wall to open the door, but the guy fell down! When he got the guy out to his car, he propped him up against the car to get out his keys, and the guy fell down again! Soon they were on their way. He asked the drunk where he lived, and the drunk pointed to a house. He parked and helped the drunk out of the car. He dragged him up the stoop, and propped him up against the railing so he could ring the bell. Again, the guy fell down! Finally the drunk's wife came to the door. "Look, lady, I brought your husband home for you." She says "Well, that's very nice of you, young man, but where's his wheelchair?"



A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why, of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," says the second. Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin." "Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62." "This is becoming unbelievable!!!" the second man said. About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"



An obnoxious drunk in a bar trying to get a girl to go home with him says, "Hey, baby, how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Girl says, "Unfertilized. Beat it!"

2006-08-30 04:18:28 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk to the gills, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh sh*t," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

2006-08-30 04:16:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call one man with no arms and another with no legs looking out your bedroom window?? CURT and ROD
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs lying in your frying pan? Patty!
What do you call a girl with no arms sticking in a hole? Peg
What do you call a girl with one leg? ilean
What do you call a chinese girl with one leg? irene
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall? Art
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mailbox? Bill
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting by a hole? Doug
what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in the hole? Phil
add anymore if you know more...

2006-08-30 03:47:56 · 23 answers · asked by ♥ღαмαиdα♥ღ 7

2006-08-30 03:39:58 · 23 answers · asked by JUNONNKI 3

What is the worst humanly concievable answer to my problem??

good one, eh!?!

2006-08-30 03:35:12 · 18 answers · asked by Matt d 2

Now that Goose and Hippo are getting older, Mrs Pilkinton is finding it hard to come to terms with that fact that they will soon fly the nest. (Quiet literally in the case of Goose)

They certainly are growing up fast, only the other day Hippo was caught with a copy of "hippos wives" in one hand, a jar of mayo in the other and a satisfied look on his face!

How can we reassure Mrs Pilkinton that things will be ok?

2006-08-30 03:30:54 · 6 answers · asked by markhatter 6

....His mom had taken him to the fair earlier that day. Just before returning home she bought him a pack of M&M's. They returned home where the mom started to make dinner. The little boy had tried to eat the M&M's. But his mom angerly told him not to eat them until after dinner. And then told him to go outside and play. The boy did just that, but sneaked back inside and carefully opened the bag and quietly poured them into his hand. Then he popped them into his mouth, ran outside found the cat and bit it! Then jumped on his tricycle! Rode around the house three times really really fast! He did this repeatedly three times. Upon his last time, he reached up to get the M&M's. But his mom grabbed his hand and said,"I thought I told you not to eat those until after dinner! And why are you bitting the cat and going around the house like that?" "But mom I'm playing truck driver. Popping pills, eatting p***y and driven like hell!"

2006-08-30 03:28:15 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

how long do you reckon you can wait before you can start making tasteless jokes and laugh at them?

2006-08-30 02:54:37 · 15 answers · asked by dr_preist 1

not the one done by carly and james opps my fault

2006-08-30 02:46:59 · 13 answers · asked by milkduds6122 1

i've got a couple but they're, shall we say, less than savoury. and i won't put you through them.

2006-08-30 02:37:46 · 20 answers · asked by Matt d 2

I like a few of these

How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. But they have to do it during dinner

How many men does it take to change a toiletpaper roll?
Who knows it's never happened. (coming from a guy, it's just funny)

How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just sit in the dark and cry.

How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb?
One (dull voice)

How many Irish men does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five. One to change the lightbulb and four to drink whisky till the room spins.

How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One footballer, but he'll deny it was the hand of God that did it.

How many Martians does it take to change a lightbulb?
One and a half

How many Welsh does it take to change a lightbulb?
41. One to change it and 40 to sing about how it lights up the valley

I didn't make these up. Their hillarious though. What are some of yours?

2006-08-30 02:30:14 · 17 answers · asked by centreofclassicrock 4

2006-08-30 02:30:12 · 9 answers · asked by superbad~honeydip 4

A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help.

Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders.

Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction.

The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes.

The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals.

The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens.

Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs.

The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and with that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep.

Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror.

The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer.

"NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

2006-08-30 02:20:05 · 15 answers · asked by Lady 3

...and don't forget our delicious shakes...

2006-08-30 02:18:41 · 11 answers · asked by carpediem 3

I am what poor people have and what rich people need. I am what blind people see and what deaf people hear. I am what brave people fear and what kind people hate. And though hafeful people love me, only the biggest fools really know me.

2006-08-30 02:07:48 · 29 answers · asked by Bobby 3

In one pool there’s an amoeba that doubles it size each day (and it takes 50 days to fill out the whole pool), there is also a second pool (the same size as the first) and an amoeba but half the size of the first amoeba! How many days does it takes the second amoeba to fill out the pool?

2006-08-30 01:59:18 · 10 answers · asked by Raziel 2

hey ... im looking for a nice,untold, hilarious jokes.... where should i go ?(webpage)

2006-08-30 01:46:30 · 6 answers · asked by deadman83 2

A prawn, a trout, a shrimp or an Indian who's been run down by a steamroller?

And before you report me for racism, I'm part Indian myself!

2006-08-30 01:43:20 · 12 answers · asked by Perkins 4

and asks the barman for a beer, "we don't serve bears in here" he says.
the bear gets angry and smashes his paw on the bar, putting a hole in it "now give me a beer!"
"we don't serve bears or vandals in here" the barman says.
The bear is royally pissed off now and turns to the woman sitting next to him and kills and eats her. "GIVE ME A BEER" he says.
"we don't serve bears, vandals or druggies in here" says the barman.
The bear looks puzzled and says "druggies? what do you mean?"
the barman says "that was the bar b1tch you ate"

rate that.

2006-08-30 01:37:36 · 11 answers · asked by allblackskikass 2

the best one get the points!

2006-08-30 01:26:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

If you'll come to my funeral I'll freaking go to yours!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Dian (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-30 01:24:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-30 01:23:45 · 33 answers · asked by harshul t 2

vice principle gets ready for school.. has big sign outside...
more pencils,
more books,
more teachers dirty looks

2006-08-30 01:21:34 · 7 answers · asked by duhman 3