Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

what is the average lifespan of a BABy ????


note: i need to know this so that i should not run out of time before taking over the world!

2006-08-30 01:20:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello my name is burger face and I have a plastic face and legs made of spaggeti. Last night I decided to protest against the war in Iraq so I made a sign that said willy head poo poo and screamed at the presidents house.

2006-08-30 01:10:59 · 30 answers · asked by Chris S 1

2006-08-30 01:07:59 · 37 answers · asked by harshul t 2

Dog Walk

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home."

2006-08-30 01:03:09 · 17 answers · asked by Kate Jones 2

2006-08-30 00:56:44 · 18 answers · asked by BOC 1

I remember making toast as a teenager and sometimes it didn't pop far enough up for me to get it with my hand. I would take a butter knife and stick it into the toaster to peirce the toast and pull it up. How dangerous is that? I did it very often and now I'm pissed at myself for being such an idiot. Did I cheat death or severe electrocution?

2006-08-30 00:40:40 · 21 answers · asked by ticklefoot 4

2006-08-30 00:32:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

...smashing your little brother's toys for a joke without considering the deep psychological damage you are causing him?

2006-08-30 00:30:52 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-30 00:22:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

in my opinion heavy houses will survive a storm much better.

2006-08-30 00:03:36 · 12 answers · asked by ixat02 2

can you tell me any riddles

2006-08-29 23:22:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 23:13:49 · 13 answers · asked by Karma 2

Click the link below if you want to watch it

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/222955/shots_to_the_head/

2006-08-29 22:52:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 22:46:28 · 14 answers · asked by Great Man 1

**A blonde is sitting on a park bench and shes crying a man walks up to her and asked what's wrong. She said terrible news, he said what. My mother died but that's not the worst news. He ask what is the worst news and she said I called my sister and she said her mother died too!

**i told your boyfriend he was gay and he hit me with his purse

**wanna hear a dirty joke?............................................ a kid fell in the mud. wanna hear a clean joke?.............................................. the kid took a bath.

**What starts with F and end in U-C-K???? FIRE TRUCK!!!!!!!! (lol) What where you thinking???

**Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.

**Yo momma is so fat that when she went to sea world and swam with the whales one of the whales started siging "WE ARE FAMILY EVEN THOUGH YOUR FATTER THAN ME"

hahaha :P

2006-08-29 22:36:08 · 14 answers · asked by dodi 3

Sign in shop window, 'PIES 50P, WANKS £1'
A man goes in and asks the girl, 'Are you the one giving wanks for £1?'
'YES!!' she replies with a warm smile
'Well wash your dirty fu**in hands, I want a pie'

2006-08-29 22:17:41 · 12 answers · asked by jennijan 4

2006-08-29 22:13:09 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

An Italian, a German and an Australian soccer fan were arrested in an small

Arabian state when they were caught peeing on a religious building after an

all night drinking binge.



The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical

punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.

But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes

each - but they were not allowed to change the number of lashes or the type

of punishment.



The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the

pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.



With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his

naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to

painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his

back.



The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I

would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the

uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his

two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have

fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes

which leave deep welt marks on his back.



The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his

breath about a penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of

lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall. The Italian, German and

Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the

strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in

Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in

admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.



The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish.



"Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

2006-08-29 21:52:06 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Paddy and Murphy are swimming in a lake in the nude. when these beautiful women walk by.

Paddy say's to Murphy " I bet you, that you won't show the women your nut's.

Murphy say's " Your on" so he jump out of the lake and screams " Na na na na na na "

2006-08-29 21:51:11 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 21:25:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a husband and wife are watching "who wants to be a millionaire", and the husband winks and says, "honey, lets go upstairs.." The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, "is that your final answer?" the wife says yes. The husband says," well, can i phone a friend?"

2006-08-29 20:54:30 · 45 answers · asked by questionaire 1

Starting with a five letter word, change one letter to create a new word. This word is then changed by one letter to create another new word. For example, DOG, DIG, FIG etc. These words in turn mean:

a gaggle of geese

a device for measuring time

what you can do with a mouse

a baby chicken

a device to prevent wheels from moving

a surprise

a small house

a pile of cards

a small piece of wood

unable to move

2006-08-29 20:53:51 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

2006-08-29 20:48:20 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, or when the job takes longer than you said it would."

The fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine -- and the head and the a-s-s are interchangeable.

2006-08-29 20:46:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man that went to his doctor(actually friends since school) for his yearly exam. After the normal procedures the doctor asked how things were going at work and home.

The guy proceeds to tell him that after 5 years of marriage, the sex was getting monotonous and occurred only at a rate of 4-5 times a month. Much less than it was in the beginning.

The doctor asked if there was any physical reason for this slow down, he could offer medications to help his performance.

The guy says that it's nothing like that, just that sex is getting some what boring .

The doctor suggests that maybe they should break up the monotony with games or role playing.

The guy says "games"?

The doc. says yes, my wife and I have a favorite. We get naked and sit in the corners of the bed facing each other. She has a half dozen glazed donuts, and I have a handful of grapes. We take turns tossing these, if she gets one to land on my erection, she comes over and eats it. I toss until I get one to land onto "the holiest of holes", I go and eat it. In the end we end up having great sex!!

The guy likes this idea, he ask the doc. if he can use his phone(no roaming charges on his cell) to call his wife.

His wife just happened to be grocery shopping when she receives his call. He says that the doc. has suggested something to improve their sex life, and while at the store she should pick up a bag of grapefruit and a box of cheerios.

2006-08-29 20:43:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving through west Texas one evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and the engine died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice: "It's your fuel pump."

"Who said that?" the man called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flash light, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

"Yes, it was!" the man said, finally happy someone understood. "Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know nothin' about cars."

2006-08-29 20:34:35 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.

She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!

She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"

He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to s-h-i-t yourself when hear the price!"

2006-08-29 20:33:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 5 houses in 5 different colours. In each house lives a person of a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. Using the clues below can you determine who owns the fish?

The Brit lives in a red house.
The Swede keeps dogs as pets.
The Dane drinks tea.
The green house is on the immediate left of the white house.
The green house owner drinks coffee.
The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
The man living in the house right in the middle drinks milk.
The Norwegian lives in the first house.
The man who smokes Blend lives next door to the one who keeps cats.
The man who keeps horses lives next door to the man who smokes Dunhill.
The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.
The German smokes Prince.
The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
The man who smokes Blend has a neighbour who drinks water.

2006-08-29 20:32:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple were on holiday in India. They were touring around a busy Bombay marketplace looking at the goods when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

The married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild and crazy at the sex, just like great desert camel."

Well, the wife's eyes lit up as her husband wasn't exactly the sex god he thought...far from it in fact. The husband felt he really didn't need them though, "How on earth can a pair of sandals turn somebody into a sex freak???"

The Indian man replied, "Please kind sir, just try dem on...."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many a year!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. The Indian then began screaming,

"YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

2006-08-29 20:28:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is supposedly a list of actual English subtitles used on films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared s-h-i-tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?

19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.

20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some a-s-s of the giant lizard person.

2006-08-29 20:26:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous