Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and ratherArabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called aPrincess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing abeat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, B*^ch."

2006-08-29 20:23:41 · 16 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!? He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.


"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain, and he calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes!" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"OK. Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

2006-08-29 20:23:17 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"


"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need."

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "B-a-s-t-a-r-d wouldn't let me in without a tie."

2006-08-29 20:21:05 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your *** and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're a f-a-g.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist pig. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
I
f you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If you're totally beat after a hard day, you don't give a damn about other people's needs. If she's totally beat after a hard day, she's tired.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be "someone else".

2006-08-29 20:13:40 · 25 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

and

H-A-R-D W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

But, look how far you can go!

A-S-S K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t and A-s-s Kissing that will put you over the top.

2006-08-29 20:09:39 · 21 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-29 20:07:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A violation arrived in my e-mailbox just today. Yahoo sent me the notice (below) for a joke that was posted and resolved 3 weeks ago!! For containing Adult Content!!! Go figure!!

You have posted content to Yahoo! Answers in violation of our Community Guidelines. As a result, your content has been deleted.

Question: The Hippie & The Nun!?

Details of Violation: A Hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun. He said to the Nun, "I want to make love to you!" The Nun replied to the Hippie, "I am a Nun, I can not have sex." Shortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop. The Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, "I know how you can make love to that Nun..." The Hippie asks, "How?" "Well," said the driver, "Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the cemetery and prays. If you dressed up in robes and had some glowing stuff on your face you could pretend you were God and demand sex from her." "Good idea," the Hippie said. So on the next Tuesday night he gets dressed up in some robes, puts some stuff on his face to make it glow and goes to the cemetery to wait. Sure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and started praying to God. The Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, face glowing, robes moving in the breeze and said, "I'll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to me." The Nun is shocked to see God in front of her. She said, "OK, but it must be anal sex as I have to keep my virginity." "Fine," said the Hippie. The Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and the Hippie does his thing. When he is done he stands up, whips off his robes and yells, "HA! HA! I am the Hippie!" Whereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said, "HA! HA! I am the Bus Driver!"

Reason of Violation:Adult Content :

2006-08-29 20:02:39 · 21 answers · asked by Woody 3

A man with no eyes saw two pears on a tree. He took no pears and he left no pears, how can that be?

Explain how.

2006-08-29 19:57:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i cant decide if this is so bad its funny or if its just bad. help me out!
'A man walks into a chip shop with a cod underhis arm and asks for a fish cake. The guy behind the counter asks why he wants a fishcake when he has a cod under his arm. The customer replies "Yes, but its his birthday!"

2006-08-29 19:45:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

It goes from A to Y and then back to A.

What??????

2006-08-29 19:43:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are 2 rooms. one room has three light switches. the other room has three light bulbs which correspond to the three switches.
you are trying to figure out which switch corresponds to which bulb.

Rules: you can only turn each switch on and off one
a switch dosnt have to be switched at all
the door between the two rooms is always shut when you - switch the flips.
you can go between the two rooms howevermany time - you want to.

Told you it was arder

2006-08-29 19:42:42 · 9 answers · asked by aschheim49 2

can anyone tell me what you can do instead of taking drugs?
plz i need help!!!

2006-08-29 19:39:47 · 6 answers · asked by mzdunnoanyfin 2

> Quickie #1
>
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.
>
>
> Quickie #2
>
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

2006-08-29 19:38:18 · 9 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Here is the riddle from yesterday:

How was Farmer Jack able to buy so much land?
A: Because the land was dirt cheap

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

If you are really hungry, would you eat a cow or a shooting star? Please explain :)

Have fun!

2006-08-29 19:35:39 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Ricky lost one of his legs and he became choosy?

Tell me how?

2006-08-29 19:33:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

it is greater than god, eviler than the devil. it lives on mars but not on earth. peaople think the poor have it, the rich think they need it.

dont hurt your self trying to figure it out

2006-08-29 19:21:35 · 16 answers · asked by aschheim49 2

http://funnyjunk.com/pages/awesome.htm

2006-08-29 19:16:46 · 16 answers · asked by The Lovely Ladies of Soccer 3

This man and this women were in this elevator.
It was there last day to live so the women
goes make me feel like a women for one last
time so the man takes off his clothes and says
here FOLD EM !

2006-08-29 18:55:45 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am slim and tall,
Many find me desirable and appealing.
They touch me and I give a false good feeling.
Once I shine in splendor,
But only once and then no more.
For many I am "to die for".
What am I?

2006-08-29 18:49:24 · 9 answers · asked by Jumping Jack Flash 3

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise
some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold
him for ransom. She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents. The
next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough,
a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000
with a note that said, "How could you do this to
a fellow Blonde?"

2006-08-29 18:40:21 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 18:14:52 · 11 answers · asked by boxergirl 5

One day a Frog and a Girl were talking near a well.

Frog: I know you girls are stupid.
Girl: You are mistaken. Girls are very intelligent.
Frog: I am sure that girls are foolish.
Girl: You stinking frog, shut your mouth, ok.
Frog: Don't get angry, dont take personally but still girls are stupid.
Girl: Shut up else I will kill you.
Frog: Ok, I won't speak now but still I believe girls are stupid.
(At this frog jumps into the well)
Girl: I dint mean to kill him, but why did he commit suicide??!!!

2006-08-29 18:03:45 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get if a Maori eats a pie in a car?
A: Car Pie (Kapai)= Welldone in the maori language

Any one else have some very funny jokes, im talking about ROFL jokes.

2006-08-29 17:48:24 · 8 answers · asked by ₪ ø Ξ .o• The Valiant 3

Is it true that people in zoo have sex with the poor animals?

2006-08-29 17:37:49 · 17 answers · asked by Screw You 1

someone here had it posted the other day - about a man lost in a parachute - discussing occupations , one man ended up being a manager - it was hysterical- if anyone knows this joke can you post it???? or any good jokes about management??

2006-08-29 17:36:36 · 4 answers · asked by leo 4

2006-08-29 17:31:46 · 9 answers · asked by boxergirl 5

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

2006-08-29 17:11:46 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

Preferably, the waiter would have a snappy comeback. Funniest answer gets 10 points! C'mon, I want to really LAUGH!

2006-08-29 17:10:58 · 25 answers · asked by a sock 3

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

2006-08-29 17:07:22 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

http://www.break.com/games/handeye.html

2006-08-29 17:02:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous