Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Jimmy is walking along the road and he bumps into a man with a small orange as a head.
"Wow. How did you get that small orange as a head?" he asked.
"Well, it's a long story...you still wanna hear it?" replied the man.
"Sure."
"OK. Well I was walking down this road a couple of days ago when I came across this lamp. Naturally I rubbed it and, sure enough, a genie appeared and granted me three wishes."
"Wow! What did you wish for?"
"Well, my first wish was for all the money I could ever need..."
"Did you get it?"
"Of course. My second wish was to have all the women I could ever need to fulfil all my fantasies..."
"Wow! Amazing! What was your third wish then?"
"To have a small orange for a head..."




:)

2006-08-29 17:00:03 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fu*k ONE sheep...."

2006-08-29 16:46:41 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

by women
I think of you as a brother=you get on my nerves and are always bugging me

there a slight difference in our ages=you are one Jurassic geezer who looked a lot younger in the nightclub

I’m not attracted to you in 'that' way=you are the ugliest loser I’ve ever laid eyes on

my life is too complicated right now=I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guy I’m seeing

I’ve already got a boyfriend=whose really my male cat and a cheap cask of wine

I don’t date men where i work=I wouldn’t even date yo if you were in the same solar system, let alone building

its not you, its me=its not me, its you

I’m concentrating on my career=even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than a jerk like you

by men
I think of you as a sister=you’re ugly

there’s a slight difference in our ages=you’re ugly

I’m not attracted to you in 'that' way=you’re ugly

my life is too complicated right now=you’re ugly

I’ve got a girlfriend= you’re ugly
I don’t date women where I work= you’re ugly

Its not you, its me= you’re ugly

I’m concentrating on my career= you’re ugly

I’m celibate= you’re ugly

2006-08-29 16:45:51 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the difference between a waltrus and your mother-in-law?
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One is hideous, wet and discusting, the other one lives in the sea!

2006-08-29 16:17:09 · 23 answers · asked by Alex R 2

for a the answer to this lame joke

2006-08-29 16:13:00 · 16 answers · asked by mustafa muqeem 1

there was this man going down the interstate ,going the speed limit when a cop car pulles in behind him and turnes his lights on,the man spedded up to get away from the cop ,soon the man ran out of gas ,the cop then went up to the man and asked why he was running from him ,the man replied ( my wife ran away with a cop and i thought you were bring her back!

2006-08-29 16:11:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

My Wife has been sick for a few days now, and I begged her to go to the Doctor, finally she agreed to go.
Upon arriving we took are seats and waited, they finally called her name, I waited for what seemed like hours! Finally the Dr. came out to give me the news. He looked me in the eye and said: I've narrowed it down to two things, your wife either has AIDS or Alsheimers. I said: my God Doc there is quite a big difference between the two, what do I do? He looked at me calmly and said: Well take her for a ride in the country and kick her out of the car, If she finds her way home, Don't F-ck her! Ha! Ha! It's a joke! What do you think? Should I use it in my act?

2006-08-29 16:11:05 · 5 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

a young man proclaimed " The day before yesterday I was 17, but will be 19 this year"
How is this possible (is he a time traveller???)

2006-08-29 16:07:53 · 7 answers · asked by ATSI1968 1

what is it that you can see with the naked eye, seems to have no weight and yet the more of them you put into an empty container, the Lighter the container becames? Two answers possible

2006-08-29 15:58:40 · 12 answers · asked by ATSI1968 1

Blonde in NY

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan Officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this Transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

2006-08-29 15:53:09 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Check this out and tell me if u like it

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/cool.htm

2006-08-29 15:48:45 · 8 answers · asked by GhostRecon48 2

Vote For A Woman President in 2008

No, it's not Hilary, but....

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008.
Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm voting for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special lady who has all the answers to our problems.

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....


MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!


Very eloquently put............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Housework" "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."





"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."



The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals .

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels? (Now that's scary!)

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead.

2006-08-29 15:42:41 · 4 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

do yo tell u friends u'r mom is gay when thay ask u ????????even thow all u'r friends know u r tottoly agenst gag people and u make fun of them .

2006-08-29 15:39:30 · 10 answers · asked by bobbi m 1

do yo tell u friends u'r mom is gay when thay ask u ????????even thow all u'r friends know u r tottoly agenst gag people and u make fun of them .

2006-08-29 15:37:50 · 5 answers · asked by bobbi m 1

An Indian drank forty-six cups of tea and died next day in teepee.

2006-08-29 15:34:48 · 8 answers · asked by Mattman 6

Who's yo Daddy!



When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper

thing to do is to find out who the father is and see

why he is not providing support.



The following are all replies that Dallas women have

written on Child Support Agency forms in the section

for listing father's details. Or putting it another way....Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.



Be sure to check out # 11 - it takes the prize and # 3

is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins,

child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to

the identity of the father of child B, but I believe

that he was conceived on the same night.



2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my

child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.



3. I do not know the name of the father of my little

girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand

Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met

that night. I do remember that the sex was so good

that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the

father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.



4. I don't know the identity of the father of my

daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by

my stiletto heels in one of the door panels. Perhaps

you can contact BMW service stations in this area and

see if he's had it replaced.



5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a

Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and

that he is Christ risen again.



6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he

informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that

would have cataclysmic implications for the economy.

I am torn between doing right by you and right by the

country. Please advise.



7. I do not know who the father of my child was as

all blacks look the same to me.



8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do

catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my

AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same

time.... well I don't have a clue.



9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was

conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the

Magic Kingdom.



10. So much about that night is a blur. The only

thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a

program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have

stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the

party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.



11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my

baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't

be sure which one made you fart.





Yep, you guessed it right. We are all paying taxes to

support these dim bulbs.

2006-08-29 15:31:25 · 11 answers · asked by SPARTAN 2

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On
> your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left
> side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as
> you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo
> and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is
> a lion running at the same speed as you and the
> Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this
> highly dangerous situation?
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> Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round

2006-08-29 15:19:21 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Mr. Humpty a hard-boiled egg or a raw egg?

2006-08-29 15:11:15 · 4 answers · asked by chilli 4

COWS

This Is Totally Amazing.

Say the word COW before each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW After each word

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now say the word COW before AND after each word.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4 - Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look


Now read just the words upwards from the bottom.

1 - Cows
2 - About
3 - Talking
4- Idiot
5 - This
6 - Got
7 - I
8 - Long
9 - How
10 - Look

2006-08-29 15:04:36 · 11 answers · asked by GhostRecon48 2

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

2006-08-29 15:03:43 · 17 answers · asked by GhostRecon48 2

mce
mce
mce

2006-08-29 14:55:06 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is a part of you,carry out your feelings,holds your heart in emotions,and is what you are in evry thing you do!!!!

First one to get it get's 10 points!!!

2006-08-29 14:54:59 · 9 answers · asked by Lissa305 4

2006-08-29 14:54:21 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

A man builds a 4 sided house. Its rectangular in shape. Each side has southern exposure. A big bear comes wandering by. What color is the bear?

2006-08-29 14:54:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 14:53:53 · 24 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-08-29 14:53:24 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

are born on the same day,of the same month,in the same year,by the same parents,but they are not twins.how is this possible?

2006-08-29 14:53:20 · 4 answers · asked by nobody 3

2006-08-29 14:52:58 · 32 answers · asked by ? 6

2006-08-29 14:52:34 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

a grandfather clock chimes the appropriate number of times to indicate the hour as we4ll as chiming once at each quarter hour. if you were in another room and heard the clock chime jhust once, what would be the longest period of time you would have to wait in order to be certain of the correct time??. Try the suggestions below or type a new query above.

2006-08-29 14:50:26 · 14 answers · asked by hot_damn42 1