Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

some thoughtful information for those who ARE daughters, WERE daughters, HAVE daughters, or INTEND TO DATE a daughter

rule one=if you pull into my driveway and honk, you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up

rule two=you do not touch my daughter in front of me. you may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. if you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughters body, I will remove them

rule three=I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I purpose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and i will not object. however, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place of your waist

rule four=I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world’s, sex without utilizing a ‘barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you

rule five=in order for us to get to know each other, you may think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house. The only word I need from you on this subject is ‘early’

rule six=I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one else until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry

rule seven=as you stand in my house, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the golden gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule eight=the following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

Places where there are beds, couches, or anything softer than a wooden stool

Places where there are no parents, police or nuns within eyesight

Places where there is darkness

Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or general happiness

Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, midriff t-shirts, or anything other then a boiler suit, legwarmers, and an arctic grade jacket zipped up to her throat

Football games are okay. Old folks homes are better

Any movies with even the slightest of slight reference to love, romance, or sex must be avoided

Movies which feature chainsaws are okay

Rule nine=do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot bellied, balding, gray haired, middle aged, dim witted has been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me

Rule ten=be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange psychosis starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

2006-08-29 08:34:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is your best yo mama joke?

2006-08-29 08:33:54 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 08:32:25 · 4 answers · asked by Sweepy 3

2006-08-29 08:13:59 · 45 answers · asked by BOC 1

Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."



Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves


Any one have any jokes

2006-08-29 08:10:54 · 30 answers · asked by ... 2

I am a thing. I am greater than God, more evil than the devil, rich men need me, poor men have me, and if you were to eat me, you would die. What am I?

2006-08-29 07:59:31 · 20 answers · asked by Blahstuff 2

stand
I

2006-08-29 07:58:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

If not, what do you think it means?

2006-08-29 07:57:19 · 10 answers · asked by Coche 4

I am slim and tall, many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor, but only once and then no more. For many I am 'to die for'. What am I?

2006-08-29 07:55:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If yes, get that 10 points soon!

2006-08-29 07:52:48 · 21 answers · asked by KASHYAP 1

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
>> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
>> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
>> mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing
>> to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor
>> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
>> that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
>> experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine
>> and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
>> The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The
>> husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's
>> blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
>> At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
>> The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
>> obviously
>> helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
>> transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
>> virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
>> She and her husband were ecstatic.
>>
>> When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

2006-08-29 07:52:25 · 10 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

name the nouns

2006-08-29 07:37:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a mother drying off her son when he asked "Mama, are these my brains?" as he pointed to his private region. Mama replied "Not yet!"

2006-08-29 07:34:33 · 16 answers · asked by Smiles 4

A new Safeway has opened near our house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

2006-08-29 07:33:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 07:31:43 · 15 answers · asked by ? 5

The teacher asked her students if anyone knew the answer to 2+2, they had three tries or they would not get recess. The first kid said "Uh, 14? "No," the teacher said. The second kid said "3.8" "Not quite" the teacher said. Finally the third kid said "That's easy, 4" "Yes, you all get recess now". At the playground the kids asked how did he know the answer and he said "It's all about the Kidneys!" as he pointed to his head.

2006-08-29 07:28:50 · 22 answers · asked by butterfly 5

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti- hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, What took you so long? He smiled and then told her, Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!!

2006-08-29 07:26:27 · 6 answers · asked by butterfly 5

2006-08-29 07:14:32 · 8 answers · asked by What is your problem 3

Were any of them really funny or all just mildly amusing?

2006-08-29 07:01:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me a yo moma joke plz :D

2006-08-29 06:57:02 · 14 answers · asked by dodi 3

Nothing. They both go wooo! wooo! when you put things in thier back door!!!

(by the way I'm Gay, so I can tell this joke and not be abusive!)

2006-08-29 06:43:48 · 35 answers · asked by Elliott_Ward 1

i want u to tell me the best joke's uv evr heard..
and the worst..lol

10 points goes out to the best joke... gd luke

2006-08-29 06:29:09 · 12 answers · asked by '' jakal '' 2

2006-08-29 06:27:34 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man left shortly after and the woman remarked,"His mother was my mothers only daughter" What was their relationship?

2006-08-29 06:20:02 · 19 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

Please answer in the form of: You know you are FAT when...

Like: You know you are fat when your fat rolls overflow the chair arms!

Have fun! Absolutely no reporting!! FAT is Beautiful BABY!!!

2006-08-29 06:13:36 · 11 answers · asked by Terry D 2

but who would be a good person to look up in history or a place to look up ????????

2006-08-29 06:13:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

can u tell me websites or send me any riddles with answers and tell me any bad news happened please tell me the answers quick as posiblle

2006-08-29 06:11:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ONE:
If your father is a poor man, It is your fate but, If your father-in-law is a poor man, It's your stupidity.

TWO:
Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect..... So why practice?

THREE:
Since light travels faster than sound, People appear bright until you hear them speak.


FOUR:
Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.

FIVE:
Behind every successful man, there is a woman And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


SIX:
Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

SEVEN:
"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep ....ZZZZZZZZ

EIGHT:
The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So ... Why learn.

NINE:

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... What more can I say......



--
have a nice day,

2006-08-29 06:08:30 · 15 answers · asked by JayHawk 5

A man walks into the banks, goes to the teller and says to her "I want to put $100,000 in this F**ken bank. The teller replies, "Excuse me sir, what did you say? He repeats, I want to put $100,000 in this F**ken bank. The teller is besides herself and tells him, I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow that kind of behavior here, you can't talk to me in that manner, so she goes and gets the manager. The manager says to the man "sir what's the problem?. He goes "I told her I want to put $100,000 in this F**ken bank. The manager says to him "Is that B**ch giving you a hard time.

2006-08-29 06:06:42 · 37 answers · asked by lady love 2

lool.. i just found this out.. its pretty kool.. just type failure on google.s am fellin luky botton..
and cheak out what happens.. enjoy
and plz comment

2006-08-29 06:05:59 · 21 answers · asked by '' jakal '' 2