Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-29 03:15:15 · 6 answers · asked by shivachalappa n 1

Because of the new set up i don't know how to add questions to my watch list...how do i do it now? :(

And...

QUOTE!!!! (Please, dont look it up) Who was it that said this quote?

"Please, look into my eyes and except my sinsere apology...also notice my handsome manly features."

2006-08-29 03:13:40 · 4 answers · asked by ♥ Rock Lee ♥ 3

And where were they going?

2006-08-29 03:04:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

guess the "6" most important men in a woman's life? i think they are:-

1. THE DOCTOR...........
bcoz he says "Take your clothes off!"

2. THE DENTIST..........
bcoz he says, "Open wide!"

3.THE MILKMAN..........
bcoz he says, "Do you want it in the front or back?"

4.THE HAIRDRESSER......
bcoz he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"

5.THE INTERIOR DECORATOR........
bcoz he says, "once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE BANKER...........
bcoz he says, "if you take it out too soon.

2006-08-29 02:57:57 · 32 answers · asked by Pd 6

first correct answer gets 10 points

2006-08-29 02:56:03 · 17 answers · asked by zraigy7 1

Do you know any good jokes

2006-08-29 02:55:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are hunting on the open plains one day when the Lone Ranger says to Tonto "I wonder where all the game game is at? See if you can tell by looking at the terrain Tonto." Tonto gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground and says "Buffalo come". The Lone Ranger asks "How can you tell that by putting your head to the ground and listening like that?" Tonto then starts wiping the buffalo cumm off his ear.

2006-08-29 02:49:55 · 15 answers · asked by guitardan 5

best jokes win

2006-08-29 02:47:54 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.

"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.

"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.

"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

2006-08-29 02:43:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man
married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do
you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said
"You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the
oil. This one is black."

2006-08-29 02:37:52 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

A few Housewives were sitting around the table talking, and the
subject turned to their husbands. One lady said "My husband
just won't go to church with me, I think he's going to go to
Hell."
This led to talk around the table and it was generally
agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were
going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said "I try to be good - I'm sure I'll make it to Heaven."
Another one said "No, I did this bad thing, I won't make it."
So, then they noticed that one of the ladies wasn't saying anything.
And they looked at her and said "You're such a nice lady, surely
you're going to Heaven...?"
She says "No, first thing in the morning, I'm going to buy me
a ticket straight to Hell!"
They were shocked and asked
"Why??"

"Well, you don't expect me to live in a world without men, do you??!?"

2006-08-29 02:29:42 · 33 answers · asked by Pd 6

A judge was interviewing a woman on her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About 4 acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."
"No," he said, "I mean the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," She
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living in town, and my parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car porches and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't like the music, but the answer to ur question is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Frustrated judge, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, No” she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

2006-08-29 02:08:25 · 53 answers · asked by Pd 6

Some people wanted to know what we do in the military all day so I am going to show you what we are not allowed to do.

Laxative is not to be liquified and injected into the LT's jelly via small syringe.
Porno magazines are not the proper FM's to show your PLT SGT/OC.
Cherry privates are not to check for soft spots in armor or get exhaust samples.
Rangers are not to be refered to as the guys in the funny black hats (tan hats now).
The LT is not "my *****".
CID is not to be refered to as "the crookedest motherfuckers in the division".
Privates are not to be told about their MRE's "chicken and rice huh, one time I found a beak in mine".
Beef frankfurters are not "baby ***** or Iraqi fingers".
When a SAS member says "I need a fag", you are not to say "You sick bastard I thought you guys were real men!"
When waiting for everyone to turn sensitive items and be released from the unit after returning from the woods thou shall not say "Has anyone seen my (choose)bolt/bayonet/weapon/nods/pluggers/pyro?"
(Submitted by Greg Kinney)

Do not attempt to shave with fire.
Do not throw snowballs at helicopters- if you do, do not hit the windscreen.
Playing ‘Commander Pinball’ in the hatch of a 113 can only be won if you render him unconscious. He should not be aware of this rule.
The point of raking dirt in front of the HQ building is to teach you the error of your ways- not to create a zen rock garden.
(Submitted by Candace Karner)

Your rifle may not be set to stun.
(Submitted by Dan Zelman)

Olde English is not appropriate for any military form or document.
(Submitted by Mike Cabera)

At the grenade launcher range, do not yell "M-203, I choose you!"
(Submitted by Lester Nielson)

Do not challenge SERE grads to play hide-and-seek.
(Submitted by Dan Davis)

May not conduct live fire exercises at the general's (unattended) jeep, even if it’s parked in an area clearly marked as "Live Fire Zone".
Do not glue magnets to LT’s compass’s.
Must not get CO a subscription to gay porn.
Do not leave cat food under CO’s hammock.
(Submitted by Alex Bailleul)

Left-handed torque wrenches do not exist.
(Submitted by Abram Lister)

Toy guns during a heightened state of alert/national crisis tend to overexcite security personnel. Particularly when they are in the process of breaching your room.
".50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles" cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
Especially when you are a naval unit.
If you are going to take your military vehicle into the local herd of livestock, it is critical to do as much damage as is conceivable. Remember, less than 6 is your fault. More than 6 is the herders fault, and if there was a fence in the way it doesn't mean jack **** to a military tribunal.
Screaming "Kill them all and let God sort them out" while executing 28 is acceptable. Most herders don't speak English anyway.
Whenever the phrase "Is this crap flammable?" is heard, RUN. 9 for 10, the source of that phrase already has their zippo burning and is finding out.
Advising the gate guard that you left your thermonuclear warhead in your other backpack is never a good idea.
Apparently, dereliction of duty cannot only be interpreted by the one who's derelicting their duty. Seems EVERYONE has an opinion they need to share when this happens. I mean, if you don't KNOW what your duty is, how can you be derelict in it?
BAH/OHA can only be authorized for places of RESIDENCE. The address of the local bar is not valid for OHA/BAH purposes. Even if the owner will cut you a lease.
The greatest weapon we can inflict on the enemy is NOT dropping a schoolbus full of retarded children on them.
Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring "meat for the tribe." It should be noted it's a ***** unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back.
Scorpions should never be sources of gambling, regardless of how cool it is when you trap two in an M-60 ammo can and let them fight it out to the death UFC style.
Specifically related to the above, betting on anything but the little clear guy makes you by default either a LOSER or a MARINE.
Specifically related to the above, once you realize that the little clear guy is obviously the most deadly of the scorpions indigenous to the Middle East, carrying a "winner" around on your shoulder as a parrot is not a bright idea.
It is advisable to LEARN to drive a vehicle, before claiming to be able to do so. Particularly in the case of anything that can achieve flight.
Gonasyphaherpaloids is not a real disease.
(Submitted by Rlyoun)

Voices in your head do not constitute lawful orders.
Do not try to mind-meld with your 1SG.
Do not attempt to place subliminal messages on the power point slides.
Grenades are not kept in the company refrigerator and they do not spoil over time if not used after they come out of the container.
Never require the host nation personnel to refer to you as "sire". And do not have the interpreter refer to you as "excellency".
Indigeneous personnel are not required to kneel before you.
"Pax Americana" is not a proper slogan for any deployment OCONUS.
"Rape, kill, pillage, and burn" are not annexes to the OPORD.
Pillaging is not an operational phase.
(Submitted by Gensuke Farseer)

American soldiers do not "consume the flesh of their fallen enemies to gain their strength."
(Submitted by J. Lidman)

Do not attempt to communicate with officers using only Madonna lyrics.
(Submitted by Scott Hintze)

Not allowed to use 27 packs of post it notes to label everything in the barracks so the General won’t have any questions during the inspection.
"I was cold" is a bad reason to be in the female barracks.
The cord on the blinds can not be used to rappel. (See above.)
Not allowed to use an e-tool on the golf course.
Cutting the uppers and lowers of CMSG rank doesn’t make you a Command Private Major.
Temporary insanity is not a good excuse for missing PT.
Do not throw up during PT, no mater how much Tequila was involved.
Do not use chemlights to mark a runway for the aliens.
(Submitted by Daniel Ingram)

Never tell a military pilot "There’s not enough room to fly under that!", unless you want him to try.
Do not yell "Fire in the hole!" while your buddies are handling live ordinance, no matter how funny the look on their face.
Trading C-rats for cigarettes and beer is not "Building host-nations relations."
One should not enter the words "Gross Stupidity" in a military flight/maintenance log. Same goes for "Pilot Malfunction".
Telling paratroopers that "only fools jump out of perfectly good airplanes" just makes them mad. Explaining why only makes it worse.
(Submitted by Krista)

When ordering supplies, "buttload", "assload", "shitload", "a little bit", or "whatever you feel like giving me", are not numbers.
Do not mix fake fangs and dress inspections.
Do not run up to refueling helicopters with a squeegee and a bucket, and ask for a dollar to wash their windows.
Do not say "Oops" when working with explosives, just to be funny.
It’s funny when Robin Williams speaks only in acronyms. It’s not when we do it.
(Submitted by Michael Nichols)

Do not put decaf in the 1SG’s coffee pot.
Halon fire suppression systems do not need "Live testing".
Knocking down targets with snowballs on the 9mm range is not helping.
CS grenades should not be used to mark drop zones.
(Submitted by Kelle Luoma)

Do not transport lingerie in open containers.
The morgue is not for storing beer.
A coffin is not a footlocker.
If it’s shaped like a coffin, then it’s a coffin, dammit.
Not allowed to pole dance while on fire guard.
Do not make bikinis out of military supplies.

2006-08-29 02:05:55 · 26 answers · asked by Mandy 2

what kind of food do you throw away the outside to eat the boiled inside to throw away the center?

what food is it?

2006-08-29 02:01:34 · 32 answers · asked by The Ego 2

1-Mary, Queen of Bolton
2-Biggles Flies Undone
3-The Naked Frog
4-The Female Eunuch meets Tarzan

2006-08-29 02:01:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-a cucumber
2-the Encyclopedia Brittanica
3-the man next door
4-a llama
5-measles
6-a ball of garden twine (for your cat)
7-Harry Potter
8-jelly
9-a cold haddock (not for your cat, for fun)
10-a weeks worth of old Thai newspapers
11-one trainer (without laces)

2006-08-29 01:58:46 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to
be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney G eneral John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious "Al-gebra"
movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math
instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country. As the G reek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There
are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If G od had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes."

2006-08-29 01:55:48 · 13 answers · asked by iluvafrica 5

http://magegame.ru/?rf=6972756e6b615f37

2006-08-29 01:35:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K7hb2PgqIrM

2006-08-29 01:20:09 · 8 answers · asked by Sabina_Rois 5

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

2006-08-29 01:11:52 · 18 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English
language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE
knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them
everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.
What is it? _______gry?

2006-08-29 00:56:45 · 18 answers · asked by C0TintheACT! 2

There is a dead man in the middle of a field, nothing is around him and there are no footprints of any sort. There is an unopened package next to him. How did he die?

2006-08-29 00:50:31 · 20 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

2006-08-29 00:27:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a just married White couple that decided to make love on
their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife
did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy condoms
from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited
anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he
finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He
asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him
which quality he wanted.
"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom,
average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest
quality, is 25 cents each."
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife
did not notice and thought that it was her husband.
She grabbed the thief and happily started making love. The wife was so
exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.
When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started
making love vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so
energetic as
she thoroughly enjoyed the session. Nine months later, the wife gave
birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father.
"Papa, why am I black and you are white?" The father shouted "You are
damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

2006-08-29 00:04:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-29 00:03:03 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 23:18:28 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> > WITNESS: July 18th.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What year?
> > WITNESS: Every year.
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
> > WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > WITNESS: I forget.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something You
>forgot?
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
> > WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> > WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> >
> > _____________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
> > WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> > WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We both do.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > WITNESS: We do.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: You do?
> > WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
> > sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >
> > ___________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
> > WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
> >
> > ________________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> >
> > ________________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > WITNESS: Uh....
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > WITNESS: Yes.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > WITNESS: None.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > WITNESS: By death.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > WITNESS: He was about medium height with a beard.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
> > deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >
> > WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> >
> > _______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
> > dead people?
> > WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
>to?
> > WITNESS: Oral.
> >
> > _______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
> > WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
> >
> > ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
> > autopsy on him!
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > WITNESS: Huh?
> >
> > ______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
> > a pulse?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
> > began the autopsy?
> >
> > WITNESS: No.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> >
> > ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
> > WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
> > practicing law.
> >
> >
> >
> > _______________________________________
> >
> >
> >
> > ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> >
> > ______________________________________

2006-08-28 22:59:21 · 28 answers · asked by Akeysha 2

want to know what americans are hiding?
check this site out http://www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net/

2006-08-28 22:37:28 · 24 answers · asked by DaNGeRouS MiNDz 2

cried all the way home? Has it been harassed? Has it filed any reports to PETA yet?

2006-08-28 22:27:31 · 15 answers · asked by chilli 4

went to the market? I don't think it's buying pork...

2006-08-28 22:25:40 · 11 answers · asked by chilli 4