Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A blond is driving down a deserted highway when she gets pulled over.

The cop gets out of his car and asks if she has been drinking and she replies "No".

So he radios the station and asks what to do.

The cop at the station says "Is she a blond driving a lipstick red corvet?" and the cop replies "Yes".

So the other cop says "What you do is tell her to get out of the car and pull out your d-i-c-k as you walk up to her".

So the cop does exactlly what the other cop says. The blond gets out of the car and he whips out his d-i-c-k.

The blond sighs, and says "please, not another breathalizer test".

2006-08-28 19:10:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last 10 years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed," the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one, representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet?

This is Heaven, it's free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, "That's the best part -- you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like, and you never get fat or sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here 10 years ago!"

2006-08-28 19:06:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's a-r-s-e was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

2006-08-28 19:03:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

2006-08-28 19:02:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

2006-08-28 19:01:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man was so well-endowed that it was hurting his knees, so an operation was scheduled to fix the problem. Three doctors were called in to consult on the surgery.


The first doctor suggested, "Why don't we take a big hunk off the end?" They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.

The second doctor suggested, "Why don't we take a big hunk out of the middle?" They discussed it and decided it would risk its shape.

The third doctor suggested, "Why don't we take a big hunk off the base?" They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.

That only left the scrub nurse. The doctors looked over at her and saw she had tears running down her cheeks. "Why don't we," she said through her tears, "just make his legs longer?"

2006-08-28 19:00:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The yolk of egg 'are' white. or
The yolk of egg 'is' white.

Please tell, i m nt getting this one.

2006-08-28 19:00:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a telegraph operator from California married a telephone operator from Arizona.... what would they become....?

2006-08-28 18:49:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was walking down town and a lady gets off a bus and her left breast is hanging out well being a gentleman I am I told her she says what I said your left breast is hanging out. she slaps her head and says oh shoot I left the baby on the bus.

2006-08-28 18:47:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 18:46:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 18:45:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

THANKS FOR THE JOKES AND LAUGHS U GIVE EVERYDAY...:)

2006-08-28 18:33:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

my bestfriend and my girlfriend are roommates 17 hours from me. my girlfriend gets too stressed and uptight with school so me and my friend want to play a trick on her. we want something harmless and fun. it would be best if cheap and easy. most of the pranks i have found online had something to do with hurting or messing up the room itself, that cant be done since they share a room.

i was thinking just tying a string from their door to the girls across the hallsdoor.(they dont like them)... then it could be a double prank...

any help is greatly appreciated.

2006-08-28 18:28:08 · 8 answers · asked by kerrdj 2

2006-08-28 18:20:01 · 9 answers · asked by shahnawaz s 2

Please don't read this if a racist joke will offend you
A black man, an asian man, a latino, and a white man stand atop a mountain
The asian man says I'm doing this for my people and jumps off, the latino says I'm doing this for my people then jumps off. The black man says this is for my people and pushes the white man off the mountain. If you are not black swith the races around it works the same way...
I'm not a racist but I'm bad for posting this. I bet it'll be deleted before I get to see responses.
oh well...

2006-08-28 18:14:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

-=Zing-A-Ling: MY PLEASURE IS EATING...
-=Tam-Tromulê-je: OH, THANK YOU! I THOUGH IT WAS THANK YOU!
-=Zing-A-Ling: MY PLEASURE!
-=Tam-Tromulê-je: IS EATING!
-=Zing-A-Ling: OH, THANK YOU! I THOUGH IT WAS THANK YOU!
-=Tam-Tromulê-je: MY PLEASURE!


A) See the loop?
B) See the shift?
C) Would this goes well in a police interrogation? How about you?
D) Does Cabrine finally bring a thrice to Zosananoris?
E) Did you try to put a R before the real R in Zosananoris?




MY PLEASURE...
IS EATING... OH THANK YOU I THOUGH IT WAS THANK YOU!

2006-08-28 18:08:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60- 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like PAKISTAN - ruled by MILLITARY.

2006-08-28 18:03:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: (Woman)



It has long been contended that there are male jokes and
there are female jokes. And there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I
consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women
will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work
cocktail with
her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her
eyes off him.


The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her (as all men will).
Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned
over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want
me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."
(There are always conditions)
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words." (controlling, huh?)
The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into
the
man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his
eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

2006-08-28 17:48:14 · 13 answers · asked by daisysniffer 2

Particularly literate people have a way of delivering rebukes and insults. In fact, they do it a lot better than you do.


"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." --Louis Nizer

"I feel so miserable without you. It's almost like having you here." --Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." --Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." --Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." --William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? --Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"He had delusions of adequacy." --Walter Kerr

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." --Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." --Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." --Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." --Robert Redford

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." --Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." --Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." --Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." --Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." --Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." --Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." --Billy Wilder

2006-08-28 17:47:10 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

A guy is sitting in a bar getting more and more drunk when he spots a gorgeous woman sitting at the other end by herself.

The drunk makes his move: he quietly slips behind her and suddenly reaches around and gropes her breasts and crotch.

Naturally, the woman jumps up, turns around and slaps the hell out of him.

Being a well experienced drinker, he smoothly apologized, explaining, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable idiot!" she screamed. "I am your wife!

2006-08-28 17:41:33 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3

A guy and a gal meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to her place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they have sex. After they are done the gal says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

She says, "I didn't feel a thing!"

2006-08-28 17:36:26 · 10 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask and still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body."

He struggles up to his elbows and asks again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may cause complications from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and slowly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, takes his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them that I can see, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her weakly and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely:

"A r e ... m y ... t e s t ... r e s u l t s ... b a c k ?"

2006-08-28 17:34:45 · 13 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-08-28 17:30:28 · 9 answers · asked by maes_quest 3

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

2006-08-28 17:21:35 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

2006-08-28 17:17:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time, including the professional wrestlers and bodybuilders, but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing a tie and a pair of pants hiked up past his belly button.

He said in a squeaky annoying voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
Even the hillbilly chicks burst into laughter.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What did you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

2006-08-28 17:12:37 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

2006-08-28 17:10:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because the chicken was on the other side saying pa'ca pa'ca. If you speak spanish it sounds better out loud.

2006-08-28 17:01:51 · 12 answers · asked by crflexjr 2

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said,
"That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone,
"Yes, and my Mom says it's a bit*h to iron."

2006-08-28 16:57:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

there is more than 1 answer.

2006-08-28 16:55:55 · 24 answers · asked by Bre 1