Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said,
"I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

2006-08-28 16:50:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

2006-08-28 16:47:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the hell was that all about?"

Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"

2006-08-28 16:46:45 · 10 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

2006-08-28 16:44:07 · 12 answers · asked by SpittinThaReal 3

One day a duck waddled into a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist "Hey, you got some duck food", the pharmacist says "we don't sale duck food now get out of my store". The next day the duck waddled into the pharmacy again and said "hey pharmacist you got some duck food?" the pharmacist yelled "We don't have duck food, and if you come into my store and ask me again I will nail your feet to the floor!" The duck ran out fast. The next day the duck waddled in the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist "Hey pharmacist, you got some nails," pharmacist said "No", duck says, "you got some duck food"

2006-08-28 16:43:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend
$5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later He rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2006-08-28 16:41:47 · 11 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

ok pick any number
not a negative

add 150

then add 1259

minus 425

then minus 23

then add 4

and then minus the number u first thought of

your answer is ...


























965 ohhh im good

2006-08-28 16:39:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The chicken or the egg I know do you ?? if you are the first to guess right the best answer is yours

2006-08-28 16:37:37 · 19 answers · asked by selw22 2

a man that live in a house by himself goes to work. he suddenly just randomly calls his house then hangs up and call the police department and says my house is being robbed!
how did this man know?

2006-08-28 16:31:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) fave colour
2) fave animal
3) fave singer

good luck:)

2006-08-28 16:31:27 · 17 answers · asked by funky star 2

what comes once in a minute, once in a month, twice in a melenium but never in a hudred years?

2006-08-28 16:29:47 · 20 answers · asked by Keys 3

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out, in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl was silent for a while, and then said, "Poor Grandma. You must have been a very, very bad girl."

2006-08-28 16:28:08 · 22 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

2006-08-28 16:26:31 · 10 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

Mrs. Agathe's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, and by the way...don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Agathe's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog simply laid there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

2006-08-28 16:23:43 · 5 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore." God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

"How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

2006-08-28 16:21:39 · 13 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Some people may think I'm arrogant, but I freaking know better!

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina for a day

1. Immediately go shopping for a huge cucumber and zucchini.

2. Squat over a hand held mirror for 2 hours.

3. See if he could actually do the splits.

4. See if it's possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

5. Cross his legs with out rearranging.

6. Get picked up at a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing time.

7. Have multiple orgasms and still be ready for more, without taking a nap first.

8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

9. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts.

10. Finally find that damned G-spot!!!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-28 16:19:54 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move. "Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish...please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet.
"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive...."

2006-08-28 16:19:50 · 7 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

Whats invisable and yet never out of sight?

2006-08-28 16:19:34 · 14 answers · asked by TheCatIsBack 2

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.


DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.


ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT

2006-08-28 16:17:48 · 7 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

my teacher asked this question in class and no one was able to get it, can anyone help me? it would be greatly appreciated.

here it is.

a man is crawling in the sahara on his hands and knees an inch away from death. he spots an oasis and there is a cafe there. he goes in and asks the waitress for some soup. she brings him the bowl of soup and says "what kind of soup is this?" she replies "buzzard stew." the guys then says "thank God." why does he say thank God?

2006-08-28 16:07:57 · 38 answers · asked by MagicManJ 1

2006-08-28 15:59:34 · 10 answers · asked by Misha 1

a man comes home from work one afternoon, he sees his wife sliding down the stairway rail naked, he asked "what are you doing?"...she says "warming up your dinner"!!

2006-08-28 15:37:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 15:37:18 · 8 answers · asked by butterfly 5

gotcha !

2006-08-28 15:34:51 · 27 answers · asked by baddog 4

2006-08-28 15:34:46 · 15 answers · asked by butterfly 5

2006-08-28 15:29:57 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts"

2006-08-28 15:27:15 · 10 answers · asked by JUNONNKI 3

My friend got me a witty greeting card so that inspired me to have this contest. The wittiest greeting card idea wins the points, so be creative!

2006-08-28 15:22:58 · 9 answers · asked by toddcambden 1

2006-08-28 15:21:51 · 25 answers · asked by tombo2110 1

A blonde woman walks into a library and asks a man at the reference desk, "Can I have a double bacon cheeseburger?" The man says, "Mamn, this is a library."

So.......




The blond says in a hushed whisper, "Sorry. Can I have a double bacon cheeseburger?"

2006-08-28 14:53:49 · 30 answers · asked by ? 4