Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-28 08:50:40 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and what are some other words guys hate? (make me laugh...)

2006-08-28 08:21:23 · 12 answers · asked by Hot Lips 4077 5

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

All the people who said, I'll never amount to anything, well, everybody getting these jokes can attest that I'm the best freaking "bad example" you've ever known!

Did you hear about the two blonde thieves that stole a calendar? They each got six months.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-28 08:20:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 08:19:38 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 08:19:33 · 20 answers · asked by Blue POOP 1

2006-08-28 08:18:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 08:16:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 08:15:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe." She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank." He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot." She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it." After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband. He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

2006-08-28 08:15:04 · 19 answers · asked by lady_kiki_007 1

2006-08-28 08:10:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is dead in a field with a pack on his back and a pin in his hand. how did he die?

2006-08-28 08:02:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 07:58:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

She said yes you can stay there & shut the door in my face !

2006-08-28 07:57:15 · 13 answers · asked by Bill L 5

2006-08-28 07:51:54 · 16 answers · asked by jazzy phay 2007 2

man visited his doctor to complain of deafness in his left ear. "I could hear perfectly well last night" the man said. The doctor shined his light into the man's ear. "What have we here" he said and, inserting a fine pair of tweezers withdrew a woman's tampon. "Good grief" said the patient, "may I use your phone doctor? "Certainly, but who are you going to call?" "My wife - to tell her where my hearing aid is!"
*************
In a hospital one day are two little boys lying on stretchers, waiting to be taken to the operating theatre.
The first boy says to the second "What are you in for?"
He replies "I'm having my tonsils out"
"Oh that's not too bad" reassures the first "they just put you to sleep, then when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream!"
The second little boy then asks the first what he's in for. To which he replies "A circumcision."
The second boy says "I had that when I was born, I couldn't walk for a year!"

2006-08-28 07:48:32 · 45 answers · asked by Pd 6

Where dose a Vampire take a Shower?

2006-08-28 07:31:47 · 12 answers · asked by Loyc 3

2006-08-28 07:30:47 · 16 answers · asked by jazzy phay 2007 2

2006-08-28 07:16:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

stage 1-smart=this is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. at this stage you are always right. and of course the person you are talking to is very wrong. it makes for an interesting argument when both parties are smart

stage 2-good looking=this is when you realize that you are the best looking person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. you can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they will adore the way you look. bear in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun

stage 3-rich=this is when suddenly become the richest person in the world you can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. you can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still smart, so naturally you will win all your bets. it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are rich

stage 4-bulletproof=you are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people you fancy and challenge them to a battle f wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because not only are you smart, you are rich and hell, you’re better looking than they are anyway

stage 5-invinsible=this is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because no one can see you. You dance on a table to impress the people you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are invincible to the person who wants to fight. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you. Because you’re still smart, you know all the words

2006-08-28 07:09:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 07:06:40 · 6 answers · asked by sam 2

Three old timers were chatting in a restaurant. While sitting at a table waiting to be served one of them said; Hey Jake, isn't this your 50th anniversary?
Jake says, Yep, it is.
Well, the old timer asked, what cha’ planning on doing? Jake thinks for a minute and says, well, on our 25th anniversary I remember taking my wife to Arizona.
The other old timer asked, oh yeah, that’s right, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?
Jake says, well, I guess I’ll go back and pick her up.

2006-08-28 07:01:32 · 30 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

(another nice one on the net)



A Scottish tourist was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the mound; he took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming: "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scotsman was now exited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four balls."

The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"

2006-08-28 06:48:46 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

(this is a good one that read on the net!)


George and Mona were married for 40 yrs when George suddenly died. At the funeral home, Mona was asked if she had any special requests.

"Why yes, I have just one. Would you please cut off George's penis for me?"

The funeral home had heard them all, so they did what she asked.

A few days later, Gladys came over to visit, to see how Mona was getting along. Mona was in the kitchen cooking, with a smile on her face. Gladys asked why she was so happy, then started looking in the pots on the stove.

"Hmmm, beans". Lifting another lid, "Hmmm, potatoes."

Gladys lifted the lid on the third pot and gasped! "Why, Mona, that looked like a penis in there!!!"

Mona just smiled and said "Yup, it's George's. I ate that son of a b***h raw for 40 yrs. I want to see what it tastes like cooked...

2006-08-28 06:35:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

amnesia=a condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to do it again

family planning=the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

feedback=the inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots

full name=what you call your child when your mad at him/her

grandparents=people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right

hearsay=what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

impregnable=a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid

independent=what we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

ow=the first word spoken by children with other siblings

prenatal=when your life was still somewhat your own

puddle=a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

show off=a child who is more talented than yours

sterilize=what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it

top bunk=where you should never put a child wearing superman pajamas

two minute warning=when the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises

2006-08-28 06:34:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 06:29:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple who's been married for over 20 years were having a fight in the car during a trip for a holiday. After arguing for a moment, they decided to quit talking and silence ruled.

Then after a few minutes, they passed some pigs in a farm, all making those horrible noises I don't know what they call it. Anyway, the wife looks at her husband and gives a sinister grin and says, "Relatives of yours?"

The husband replied "Yep, in-laws."

2006-08-28 06:26:21 · 18 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

If the directors of the 2 above films got together and made a new one, would it be called......My Free Foot Willy?

2006-08-28 06:21:15 · 11 answers · asked by Polo 7

Be as crude as you want! Best answer for the one that shocks me!

2006-08-28 06:20:10 · 12 answers · asked by preston_raver 1

It is perfectly legal and available on the net in the UK, I was just wondering if anyone has tried it.

2006-08-28 06:01:32 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a lecture for medical students, the professor listed as the two best qualities of a doctor the ability to conquer revulsion and the need for keen powers of observation. He illustrated this by stirring a messy substance with his finger and then licking his finger clean. Then he called a student to the front and made him do the same.
Afterward the professor remarked, " You conquered your revulsion, but your powers of observation are not very good, I stirred with my forefinger, but I licked my middle finger..."

2006-08-28 05:59:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous