Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

http://www.friendster.com/photos/17173213/302783048

pictures # 14 and 18 pls...

2006-08-27 23:16:23 · 13 answers · asked by danalee2 1

2006-08-27 23:03:19 · 10 answers · asked by dodi 3

Why did she?

2006-08-27 23:01:08 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

http://www.friendster.com/photos/17173213/302783048

can anyone tell me what's with the 14th and 18th pictures?

2006-08-27 22:56:32 · 11 answers · asked by danalee2 1

You are never completely worthless, you
can always be used as a bad example."


> > Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
> >
> > Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
> >
> > Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well
> > you bounce.
> >
> > Keep skunks, lawyers and bankers at a distance.
> >
> > Life is simpler when you plough around the stump.
> >
> > A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
> >
> > Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
> >
> > Meanness don't happen overnight.
> >
> > Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
> >
> > Don't sell your mule to buy a plough.
> >
> > Don't corner something meaner than you.
> >
> > It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
> >
> > You can't unsay a cruel thing.
> >
> > Every path has some puddles.
> >
> > When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
> >
> > The best sermons are lived, not preached.
> >
> > Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
> >
> > Don't squat with your spurs on.
> >
> > Don't judge people by their relatives.
> >
> > Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
> >
> > Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
> > you'll enjoy it a second time.
> >
> > Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
> >
> > Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
> >
> > It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
> >
> > The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets,
> > the harder it is to swaller.
> >
> > If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
> >
> > If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
> >
> > It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
> >
> > Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
> >
> > The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches
> > you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
> >
> > If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
> > somebody else's dog around.
> >
> > Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a
> > whole lot bigger'n you think.
> >
> > Only cows know why they stampede.
> >
> > Always drink upstream from the herd.
> >
> > If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
> > make sure it's still there with ya.
> >
> > Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
> > judgment.
> >
> > Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
> > in.
> >
> > You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped.
> >
> > Never miss a good chance to shut up.
> >

2006-08-27 22:41:44 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What've you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you idiot."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses
And all the kings' men
Had scrambled eggs
For breakfast again.

Hey Diddle, Diddle, the cat took a piddle
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun,
Then died of electric shock.

Georgie Porgy Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad... She got a fur coat,
jewels, a waterfront condo and a sports car.

2006-08-27 22:39:57 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
>>>shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some
>>>kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric
>>>kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
>>>current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
>>>breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had
>>>been happily listening to his Walkman.
>>>
>>>STILL think you're having a bad day?
>>>
>>>Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty
>>>of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany.
>>>Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped
>>>through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two
>>>hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
>>>
>>>STILL think you're having a bad day?
>>>
>>>There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward
>>>where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday
>>>morning, at about 11am, regardless of their medical
>>>condition.
>>>
>>>This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had
>>>something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve
>>>the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m.
>>>on Sundays.
>>>
>>>So a Worldwide team of experts was assembled to
>>>investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday
>>>morning, a few minutes before 11am, all doctors and nurses
>>>nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what
>>>the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding
>>>wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to
>>>ward off the evil spirits.
>>>
>>>Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the
>>>part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged
>>>the life support system so that he could use the outlet
>>>for the vacuum cleaner.
>>>
>>>Think you're having a bad day?
>>>
>>>The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon
>>>Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special
>>>ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were
>>>being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
>>>from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer
>>>whale ate them both.
>>>
>>>What? STILL having a bad day?
>>>
>>>Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on
>>>a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender"
>>>stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it
>>>and was blown to bits.
>>>
>>>There now, feeling better?

2006-08-27 22:36:30 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer.
"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was
listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice,
"Mom, what is butt dust?"

2006-08-27 22:26:20 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and

78?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.


At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.


At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.


At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.


At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.


At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!


At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???

2006-08-27 22:22:18 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

long dark thin full of fizz and when u shake it comes out

2006-08-27 22:21:53 · 19 answers · asked by katty 2

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, and extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said...."Clean my house."

2006-08-27 22:17:47 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college student at a recent USC football game challenged
a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a
different world," the student said, loud enough for
the whole crowd to hear, "Today we have television,
jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon,
our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear
energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with
light-speed processing . . . and . . . uh . . ."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany,
the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those
things when we were young, so we invented them, you
little twit! What the hell are you doing for the next
generation??"

I love senior citizens!

2006-08-27 22:14:20 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-27 22:13:42 · 10 answers · asked by teco 2

YOU CAN FIND ME WHERE NO ONE ELSE HAS,YET I CAN BE SHARED. YOU CAN GIVE ME BACK AGAIN, BUT I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. WHAT AM I?

2006-08-27 22:12:34 · 12 answers · asked by halieysmom 2

if they we're to kill each other

2006-08-27 22:12:29 · 7 answers · asked by haltedhell 2

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After
two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was
doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"


He asked, "well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or
wine?" "Oh no", I replied. "I've never done either."


Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, I heard that all red
meat is very unhealthy."


"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf / sailing / ballooning / motorcycling / rock
climbing?" "No I don't", I said.


He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually
fool around?"
"No", I said. "I have never done any of those things."



He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a ****
if you live to be 80?"

2006-08-27 22:12:16 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

>A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with
>
> >delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any
>
> >idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
>
> >The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just
>
> >came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an
>
> >18 year-old."
>
> >The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ***?"
>
> >"Your name never came up," she replied.

2006-08-27 22:09:45 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man and a woman are sitting beside each

other in the first class section of the plane.



The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her

nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.



The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and

goes back to reading.



A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue,

gently wipes her nose and shudders quite

violently in her seat.



The man is becoming more and more curious

about the shuddering.



A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes

yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and

shudders violently again.



The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns

to the woman and says, "Three times you've

sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped

your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me

signals, or are you going crazy."



The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I

have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an

orgasm."



The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more

curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking

for it?"



The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

2006-08-27 22:07:55 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Two alligators were lying in a swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the larger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well,"said the big 'gator, "what have you been eating?" "Politicians, same's you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?" "Down at the other side the swamp near the parking lot, by the capitol." "Same here. Hmm. How you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for 'em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat them!"

Ah Ha!" says the big alligator, "that's the whole problem. You ain't getting' any real nourishment. You See, by the time you're done shaking the **** out of a politician, there ain't nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!"

"Ain't It The Truth"

2006-08-27 22:01:25 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-27 21:56:20 · 12 answers · asked by police 6

Think Deaply

2006-08-27 21:54:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 21:51:11 · 37 answers · asked by iMsTuPiD 1

jump over the moon?

2006-08-27 21:50:41 · 19 answers · asked by chilli 4

2006-08-27 21:48:06 · 9 answers · asked by chilli 4

I am more pure than Christ, greater than God, and more evil than the Devil.. Who am I

2006-08-27 21:47:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

...if you look up, you see it. If you look down, you see it. If you look left and right you see it, but if you look in a mirror you don't see it....so what do you see?

2006-08-27 21:40:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I bury a stone in ground.
Later on, it grew and gave me fruits.

2006-08-27 21:40:39 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his son are driving down a country road when the man driving falls asleep and veers off the road. They wreck the car and the driver is unhurt but the son is hurt badly. A passer-by picks them up and rushes them to the hospital. Upon arriving the young man is hurried into the operating room where the surgeon says "I can not operate on him--he's my son" How can this be?

2006-08-27 21:36:37 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The japanese eat little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians or NewZealanders.The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians or NewZealanders.The Italians drink alot of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than Australians or NewZealanders.
CONCLUSION-Eat n drink what u like.speaking English is apparently what kills u.

2006-08-27 21:34:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are lost walking in the woods. It is a mid-winter blizzard. After what seems an eternity you stumble, cold and weary, onto a log cabin. You go in and it is abandoned except for some modest supplies. You know you need to warm up to survive. You look around the room and see a lantern, a box of candles, a sterno heater, and a fireplace with a pile of wood. You keep looking and find a matchbox with one and only one match inside. Now you have to decide: what do you light first?

2006-08-27 21:33:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous