Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"

2006-08-27 19:16:11 · 13 answers · asked by WhiteHat 6

2006-08-27 19:15:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 19:06:24 · 16 answers · asked by om 2

Ha, The Joke's On You

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

2006-08-27 18:56:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him d own the c correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..so does she.

2006-08-27 18:48:14 · 7 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."



The nun agreed.



Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"



The nun replied, "He went that way."



After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."



The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."



The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!"



The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."

2006-08-27 18:46:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Outlaws are Wanted!
Ok, another for the girls...

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

2006-08-27 18:39:57 · 11 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

2006-08-27 18:24:23 · 16 answers · asked by MAK 6

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain."
"God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! "

2006-08-27 18:23:30 · 6 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

a belly dancer like the one in my avator?

2006-08-27 18:18:38 · 11 answers · asked by Belly-Stabber 1

A 5 year old girl walks in on her parents having sex. She asks her mother why shes sitting on top of daddy and bouncing. The mom says that she does it to flatten daddy's fat stomach out. The little girl starts laughing and says, "silly mommy! theres no point in doing that!" the mom is perplexed and asks why not. the daughter replies, "because when you go to the store, the neighbor lady gets on her knees and blows it back up!"

2006-08-27 18:08:47 · 11 answers · asked by redhots_yum 1

Someone at a party introduces you to your mother's only sister's husband's sister in law. He has no brothers. What do you call this lady?

10 pts to first right answer

2006-08-27 18:04:52 · 15 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

clean please!!!!

2006-08-27 18:02:38 · 2 answers · asked by . 3

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says... "HEBREWS"

2006-08-27 17:56:04 · 11 answers · asked by Helzabet 6

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating sweets. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mother, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mother. "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the handand whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving".

2006-08-27 17:47:34 · 28 answers · asked by Pd 6

> Quickie #1
>
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.
>
>
> Quickie #2
>
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

1 second ago - 3 day(s) left to answer.

2006-08-27 17:39:57 · 20 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

MR. JONES AND HIS SON JARED ARE DRIVING IN A CAR. ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CAR CRASHES. MR. JONES DIES BUT JARED GOES TO THE OPERATION ROOM THE OLD SERGEON SEES THE BOY AND SAYS, "I CANT OPERATE ON THIS BOY HE'S MY SON. "
EXPLAIN.

P.S. MR JONES IS THE REAL FATHER

2006-08-27 17:38:37 · 22 answers · asked by Zelda Lover 2

mommy why did the skeleton cross the road
I dont know lex. Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop!
ha ha ha..
she wanted me to tell you all she said that!
cute isnt she...lol

2006-08-27 17:36:08 · 17 answers · asked by woohooo 4

Manny is of 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates. A friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Can't you find anyone who suits you?" "No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!". His friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your Mother?" Aftr few weeks Manny and his friend met together. "So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?" Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends." "Are you and this girl
engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"

2006-08-27 17:31:14 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"
And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair just the same..."
Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

2006-08-27 17:26:16 · 16 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

The difference between men and women in one
paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain
road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out
the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out the window and
replies, "*****!"

They each continue on their way, and as the
man rounds the next corner, he crashes into
a pig in the middle of the road.

2006-08-27 17:19:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

in real life I am blonde!
I laugh at blonde jokes..do all blondes do that or just me..?
Just curious if other blondes get mad or do they laugh?

2006-08-27 17:12:59 · 5 answers · asked by woohooo 4

this is just a fun question you can come up with a funny answer.

2006-08-27 16:56:55 · 6 answers · asked by Matthew Zajac 3

SIPPING VODKA
This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes! Finally, a chain letter that I don't mind forwarding.
It's funny (don't break chain)

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2006-08-27 16:55:42 · 14 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

If love is blind why is lingerie so freaking popular?

"Women claim that what they look for in a man in a sense of humor, but I don't believe it. Who do you want removing your bra...George Clooney or the Three Stooges?"

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-27 16:49:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

The only difference between a rut and a grave is how freaking deep it is!

Have you heard about the woman who had sex with a racehorse? She's now in a stable condition!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-27 16:34:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://pokemongerman.ytmnd.com/

im very sorry for this... i just want you guys to see how retaded this is yah i know im an idiot.... wwwwwwwwwwwwAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! :(:(:(:(:(:(:(::(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:((((

2006-08-27 16:29:33 · 6 answers · asked by M.F.R. 2

In class, my teacher gave us a riddle and it's been over a week and no one has figured it out...the riddle goes

"Rope Snaps, Bell Rings, Man Dies"

we know that the events happen in that order, we know that the man is surrounded by water, but he does not drown, the rope is attached to the bell, but the bell is not suspended by the rope, and we know that the man was at one point ringing the bell. i don't understand it and it really is bugging me, a little help please, 10 points to whoever makes the most sense!

2006-08-27 16:27:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Never buy a coffin without a freaking lifetime guarantee!

They cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-27 16:25:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 16:13:12 · 6 answers · asked by Blue-Eyed Soul Jim 1