Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Pull 'em

I realize,i missed a day
But i'm too wrecked to care anyway
I look around,and see this face
What the hell,have i lost my taste

Don't want to find out
Just want to cut out

My head explodes,my ears ring
I can't remember just where i've been
The last thing,that i recall
I got lost in a deep Black hole

Don't want to find out
Just want to cut out

Blackout
I really had a Blackout
Blackout
I really had a Blackout
Blackout
I really had a Blackout
Blackout
I really had a Blackout

I grab my things,and make my run
On the way out,another one
Would like to know,before i stop
Did i make it,or did i flop

Don't want to find out
Just need to get out,yea

Blackout
I really had a Blackout
Blackout
I really had a Blackout,yea
Blackout,out out
I really had a Blackout,yea yea
Blackout
I really had a Blackout
I really had a Blackout baby

Don't want to find out
Just want to cut out
Blackout
I really had a Blackout
Blackout
I really had a Black

2006-08-27 16:11:05 · 2 answers · asked by ? 5

http://ulealematrix.ytmnd.com/

2006-08-27 16:01:37 · 6 answers · asked by M.F.R. 2

One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.

Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.

He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!

2006-08-27 15:56:40 · 7 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

This blonde called 911, screaming "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam, please calm down. I need to get some information from you".

Again the blonde yelled "Help me, Help me my house is on fire".

The dispatch said "Mam calm down, How do we get to your house?".

The blonde replied "Duh... In the big red truck".

2006-08-27 15:44:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

2006-08-27 15:42:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 pts to whoever can answer this correctly

2006-08-27 15:41:30 · 11 answers · asked by ivanwave 2

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Robert decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.


"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her. "But within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over 30 million dollars."

The woman went home with Robert, and four days later she became his stepmother.

Some men will never learn.

2006-08-27 15:23:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?

Wipe your c-o-c-k on the curtains.

2006-08-27 15:21:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

After a ship sank in the ocean, three men ended up stranded in a lifeboat. They floated around for days without food or water. One afternoon a bottle floated up to the boat. The men grabbed the bottle and when they pulled the cork out of the bottle, a genie appeared.

'I'll grant each of you a single wish,' said the genie.

'I wish I was home,' said the first man. Then, poof! he disappeared.

'I wish I was home, too,' said the second man. Poof! He disappeared too.

The third man looked around. 'Gee, I'm kind of lonely,' he said. 'I wish my friends were here with me.'

2006-08-27 15:04:49 · 6 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

may i plz choke you?

2006-08-27 15:00:17 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a moment -- until the operator hears a shot.

The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "OK, now what?"

2006-08-27 14:59:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv." until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."

2006-08-27 14:58:13 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that bef ore he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. His face falls, he begins to cry . . .

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were shooting the TV campaign ads. And this morning you voted!"

2006-08-27 14:53:13 · 4 answers · asked by Woody 3

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

2006-08-27 14:50:26 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

Remember the category.

2006-08-27 14:35:32 · 13 answers · asked by kitten lover3 7

2006-08-27 13:50:59 · 28 answers · asked by karlos 2

2006-08-27 13:37:18 · 6 answers · asked by astrowulf2002 2

I think I have a cavity and I have braces. Tomorrow i am going to the orthodontist so I am just wondering if he will find it.

Wrong category BUT I NEED TO KNOW!

2006-08-27 12:53:22 · 9 answers · asked by mikeyeggs 3

What walks like a cat, has easr like a cat, has a tail like a cat, meow like a cat, and purrs like a cat, but isn't a cat?

2006-08-27 12:42:29 · 39 answers · asked by licibaby85 1

2006-08-27 12:39:33 · 8 answers · asked by to 1

2006-08-27 12:37:39 · 13 answers · asked by ♥HF♥ 1

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

2006-08-27 12:36:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 12:24:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 12:06:52 · 3 answers · asked by ♥HF♥ 1

Heard it from someone who had it copied to a cell phone

2006-08-27 11:38:31 · 3 answers · asked by Kimberly B 1

do you know what a nun and 7up have in common?......never had it and never will.

2006-08-27 11:25:38 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

the first one to make me laugh gets 10 points ready, set, GO

2006-08-27 11:18:27 · 14 answers · asked by jen 1

Why does a man with a pierced willy make the best husband?
He's experienced pain and he knows how to buy jewellery

2006-08-27 11:15:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-27 11:11:45 · 6 answers · asked by Delilah T 1

There was a farmer. He had a chicken,wolf and grain.HE needed to cross a river.there was a boat that could only carry him self and one of the items he has.But leaving them alone the wolf would eat the chicken.the chicken woult eat the grain.In what order would he get them across. he can bring items back once he takes them to the other side of the river. oh and he needed to get all items across


hehe

2006-08-27 10:53:09 · 15 answers · asked by El Camaleon 3