has anyone got a really good joke before i go to bed?

Answer 1

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"

POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"

POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"

POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"

POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a big nagger?"

POLE: "No, she a little white woman."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"

POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"

POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"

POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say Polish Remover"

Answer 2

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One
day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty
lot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day
observing the
workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough",
more
or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with
her,
let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and
gave
her

little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the
end
of

the first week... they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing
a
couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate
words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar
"pay"
she
had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked
the
little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
young
age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the
crew
building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working
on the
house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot
ever
deliver the f------ sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye.
________________________________________________

Answer 3

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three
wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion
surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and
begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and
the floor is thickly covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there
are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the
neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the
two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one, "I can
understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big
mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be
filthy rich, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.

Answer 4

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

Answer 5

Did I ever told you about the man with the most gorgeous body and face ever on earth but has a removable penis,OK here how it goes,I met a cute guy and he was so damn fine,I went to his house and we hit it all night,his dick came off,and I stare and got mad,I slapped him in the face and then left his ***,the next very day I had woke so sick as hell,I had to go to Doc's and had a thing to telll,he told me I was pregnant but how could have this be,the mans fake penis,had a baby in me,the baby was pretty and he was a beautiful boy,but there was one problem and I had less of my joy,the doctor told me ,I have to tell you this is serious,but it looks like now your bay's missing his penis,I looked at the man with envy and anger I grabbed the rifle gun and chased his *** so furious,24 years later my little boy got married,the same thing happen again,all becuz of my 1rst man removable penis,hope this make you in the mood for a good laugh!!!!!! :-P

Answer 6

Johnny was 8 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING to his mother. 'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny.
He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have
trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Answer 7

so a man takes his mother to the hospital because she is very sick. He's sitting in the waiting room and the doctor comes out and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news," and the man says, " What's the bad news?" and the doctor says, "Well, your mother's going to live... actually for another twenty or thirty years, but she won't be able to talk, she's just going to make this really loud screechy sound. And she won't be able to feed herself so you're going to have to feed her baby food three times a day for the rest of her life. And she won't be able to move, so you'll have to clean up her shi*t and pis*s for the rest of her life. The man was in shock, he said, "Oh my god, I can't believe that... what's the good news?" and the doctor says, "Oh I'm just kiddin' she died!" that one's from x-e or [e-mail]

Answer 8

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.


A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered.


The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it , he jumped
over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty went "Fffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'....and before he could say,
"F..k,----the Rottweiler ate him!"

Answer 9

Whats the difference between a priest & puberty? Puberty waits till after 13 to come on your face...

Answer 10

A woman drives her car into the driveway and screeches to a halt. She gets out, slams the door shut and runs into the house and says to her husband, "Carl, pack your bags!! I just won the lottery!!" He replies, "That's great, honey. Should I pack for the mountains or for the beach?" And she says, "Doesn't matter! Just get out!"