Anyone ready for a quickie?

Question

> Quickie #1
>
> One day, Jay Dini came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
>very sexy nightie.
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
> So he tied her up and went fishing.
>
>
> Quickie #2
>
>
> A woman came home, screeching! her car into the driveway, and ran
>into the house.
> She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
>pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
> The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>mountain stuff?"
> "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
>
>
> Quickie #3
>
> Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and
>the other is a husband.
>
>
> Quickie #4
>
> A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
> First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
> The optician showed him a card with the letters:
> 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
> "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
> "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>
> Quickie #5
>
> Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I
>must tell you all
> something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
> "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
>chardonnay."
>
> Quickie #6
>
> A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
> "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
>You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We
>need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're
>going to STICK!
> Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when
>you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST
>your mind?
> Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
>Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
> The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
>think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
> The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
>when I'm driving."
>
> Quickie #7
>
> Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North
> Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
> On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
> That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
> On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
> That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
> On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
> The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years

1 second ago - 3 day(s) left to answer.

Answer 1

FUNNY!!
It was a hot day in Minnesota.
Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the
oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry
cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to
herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.The
bartender walked up and asked her what she would like
to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have
myself a cold beer."

Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und
how's yur viener?"

Answer 2

good ones. i've heard most of them though

on a lighter note: have u heard the sad news???
With all the sadness and trauma of today’s world, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed.

Last week, Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey,” died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started…

shut up, u know that's funny

Answer 3

Quickies Can Be Fun But I Like To Take My Time!!

Answer 4

Very funny. I needed a good laugh before I went to bed. But I really thought you meant a quickie....Boy, do I feel deflated......:)

Answer 5

I like the last one! Very funny!

Answer 6

I hate quickies , i like taking my time ,lots of time .
oh that aint what ur talking about...lol

Answer 7

all those were great!! heres 1 not so great!!--- Wuts the difference between a TOAD and a HORNEY TOAD?? The toad says "ribbet ribbet" and the horney toad says "rub-it rub-it"!! lol good job!!

Answer 8

funny made me laugh
just what i needed to forget that school starts tomorow

Answer 9

Oh crap! They are on to me!

Signed,
Herman

Answer 10

Very funny....going to have to pass a couple of these along.hehe....