Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-28 05:58:48 · 7 answers · asked by Pete H 4

first one gets the ten

2006-08-28 05:57:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Going for a turd is a serious business after all

2006-08-28 05:45:46 · 13 answers · asked by Pete H 4

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies." He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2006-08-28 05:40:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 05:36:16 · 15 answers · asked by Abe W 1

1. You can watch your money grow.
2. Your girlfriend can blow your money as much as she wants

2006-08-28 05:32:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

i need a gud joke please tell me 1

2006-08-28 05:30:53 · 8 answers · asked by rhia_jade 1

2006-08-28 05:21:52 · 17 answers · asked by ATSI1968 1

2006-08-28 05:11:29 · 14 answers · asked by amanda 2

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, while caring more on his face and the beard.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

2006-08-28 05:11:01 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

closest gets points

2006-08-28 05:08:48 · 37 answers · asked by aaron5147 2

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

2006-08-28 05:00:01 · 12 answers · asked by AmandaB 3

Its cuter than the other one. I hope some one likes this one.

> >> > A Sunday School teacher asked
> >> > her little children, as they were on the
> >>
> >> > way to church service, "And why is it
> >>
> >> > necessary to be quiet in church?"
> >> > One bright little girl replied,
> >>
> >> > "Because people are sleeping."

2006-08-28 04:56:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a bar and says,
"Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni."
So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says, "Would you like another?"
She says, "Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:

Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and

Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

2006-08-28 04:55:53 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. I

2006-08-28 04:55:16 · 7 answers · asked by David O-man 3

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters.
The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough,
delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed
into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of
that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

2006-08-28 04:41:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday in a Midwest City,
> >> > a young child was "acting up"
> >> > during the morning worship hour.
> >> > The parents did their best to
> >> > maintain some sense of order
> >> > in the pew but were losing the battle.
> >> > Finally, the father picked the
> >> > little fellow up and walked
> >> > sternly up the aisle on his way out.
> >> > Just before reaching the safety
> >> > of the foyer, the little one
> >> > called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for
> >> > me!"

2006-08-28 04:40:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him.
They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

2006-08-28 04:39:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
> >> > As he was coming down the aisle,
> >> > he would take two steps,
> >> > stop, and turn to the crowd.
> >> > While facing the crowd, he would
> >> > put his hands up like claws
> >> > and roar.
> >> > So it went, step, step, ROAR,
> >> > step, step, ROAR, all the way
> >> > down the aisle.
> >> > As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears
> >> > from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
> >> > When asked what he was doing,
> >> > the child sniffed and said, "I
> >> > was being the Ring Bear."

2006-08-28 04:38:57 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time, dude... God is missing—and they think WE did it!"

2006-08-28 04:37:25 · 6 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

The husband tells his wife, "honey let's have sex. The wife says "don't say it like that in front of the kids. He says "OK" can I put my wash in your washer?. She says "not right now, I have to do the dishes. Later on he asked again "honey can I put my wash in your washer?. She says "Oh honey not right now I'm watching this movie and I want to finish it. The husband got tired and went off to bed. Now the wife is ready and goes to bed. She says to him "Honey would you like to put your wash in my washer now?. He goes forget it, it was a small load, so I washed it by hand.

2006-08-28 04:12:49 · 36 answers · asked by lady love 2

we've discovered that when im in a good mood, it turns green. when im in a bad mood, it leaves a big freakin' red mark on his forehead.
maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

2006-08-28 04:12:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 04:07:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 04:05:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of
gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few
minutes the man turned to The priest and asked, "Say
Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living,
Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for
your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack
of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned,"

Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what He had said, nudged the
man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on
so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just
reading here that the Pope does."

Disclaimer : It is only a joke to be read, enjoy and make us laugh.

2006-08-28 04:01:34 · 9 answers · asked by easyboy 4

There is a man who lives on the 27th floor of a building.
every morning he goes into the elevator and rides the elevator to the 1st florr to go to work every moring. when he comes home, he rides the elevator to the 11th floor and walks the reast of the way up.
Execpt on rainy days, when he can ride the elevator all the way to the 27th floor.

why is this?

You can ask Yes or no questions,
ill try to answer them:chack in every now and then.


Please ignore the spelling.

2006-08-28 04:00:46 · 17 answers · asked by Moonlight Rose 3

2006-08-28 03:50:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
Looks like a rat, been out awhile.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer-$300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,
45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows
everything.

2006-08-28 03:23:10 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

GOODBYE, MOTHER...

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,
"I
hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much
like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye,Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved
and
smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went
to
pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk

"How come so much. I only bought 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."

_*Do not trust all little Old Ladies!*_

2006-08-28 03:18:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 03:17:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous