Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development
> on the inside of her thighs. A green spot on the inside of each. They
> won't wash
> off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The
> doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her
> not to worry
> until the tests come back.
>
> A few days later, the woman's phone rings. It's the doctor. She
> immediately begs to know what's causing the spots? The doctor says,
> "You're perfectly healthy
> there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
>
> The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
>
> "You can tell him his earrings aren't real gold..."

2006-08-28 22:22:19 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

>LATEST POLLING SHOWS
>
>Forty-three percent of all Americans say that immigration is a serious
>problem.
>
>The other 57 percent said, "No habla inglés"
>

2006-08-28 22:20:28 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.


7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

2006-08-28 22:18:38 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
Kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear
One more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
Committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest
Died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived. He visited the mayor of the town
And seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about
The sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep
Talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
About the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the
Mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laugh ing about, your wife fell
Three times this week."

2006-08-28 22:17:20 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk **** than to drink water and be full of ****.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

Have a nice day...

2006-08-28 22:15:32 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ..whether you're here or not."

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

**************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

2006-08-28 22:13:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

GOOD
A Central Otago Traffic Patrol Cop watching for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then he discovered the problem a 12-year-old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP
AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a
sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just
sell
lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated
radar post in Central Otago with a Fine of $160 included. Being cute,
he
sent the police department a picture of $160 The police responded with
another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As a Central Otago Cop
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I
bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police
Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls." There was a moment
of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He
then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car.

2006-08-28 22:04:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

the 1st correct wins

2006-08-28 21:58:52 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two explorers walking through a jungle stumble
upon a tribe of savages, who promptly tie the two
explorers up and take them to the chief of the
tribe. The chief presents them with two options:
death, or pungee.

The first explorer thinks to himself "Well,
anything's gotta be better than dying", so he
chooses pungee.

The chief then throws his hands up in the air
and yells "pungee".

Suddenly the whole tribe (a few hundred of'em)
rip off their loin clothes and all begin savagely
******* the explorer up the ***. Some of the
savages take sharp sticks and shove them up the
explorers ***. The raping goes on for hours, and
when it finally ends, the explorer is left
quivering on the ground in a pool of his own
blood, yet still alive.

The other explorer, who had been watched in
horror the whole time says "Holy ****, I'll take
death"

"Very well then" the chief replies, "death...
by PUNGEE!!!

2006-08-28 21:49:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he received another parcel.
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very
small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your **** and go as a toffee apple.

2006-08-28 21:44:56 · 5 answers · asked by Bellarockafella 3

Hippo has a new friend called miskenyuk (a yahoo answers regular)

They seem to have bonded and Mrs PIlkinton is over the moon.
Goose seems a little unsure of miskenyuk though. How can Hippo make Goose see that miskenyuk really is a good friend?

2006-08-28 21:43:37 · 7 answers · asked by markhatter 6

2006-08-28 21:37:50 · 16 answers · asked by True Blood 2

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
> noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
> cemetery.
>
>
>
> A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
> feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
> man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
> were about 200 men walking single file.
>
>
>
> The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the other man
> walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
> is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
> Whose funeral is it?"
>
>
>
> "My wife's."
>
>
>
> ''What happened to her?"
>
>
>
> The man replied, "My dog, tired of her constant nagging, attacked and killed her."
>
>
>
> He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
>
>
>
> The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
> wife when the dog turned on her."
>
>
>
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two. Then came one
> more question.
>
>
>
> Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>
>
> "Get in line."

2006-08-28 21:10:09 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
> noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
> cemetery.
>
>
>
> A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
> feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
> man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back,
> were about 200 men walking single file.
>
>
>
> The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the other man
> walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
> is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
> Whose funeral is it?"
>
>
>
> "My wife's."
>
>
>
> ''What happened to her?"
>
>
>
> The man replied, "My dog, tired of her constant nagging, attacked and killed her."
>
>
>
> He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
>
>
>
> The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
> wife when the dog turned on her."
>
>
>
> A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two. Then came one
> more question.
>
>
>
> Can I borrow the dog?"
>
>
>
> "Get in line."

2006-08-28 21:05:45 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."



3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.



8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."


12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"


13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."


14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!


15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."


17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.


18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"


19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"


22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

2006-08-28 20:57:40 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it?

2006-08-28 20:55:41 · 15 answers · asked by stranger4u1 1

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . Making money.
At age 50 success is . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . Having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . Not piddling in your pants.

Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked!

2006-08-28 20:54:10 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-28 20:49:07 · 12 answers · asked by Mr Mojo Risin 4

they did not get wet.
How come?

No the answer is not it was not raining, nor were they inside a building or something.

2006-08-28 20:47:46 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-28 20:30:37 · 11 answers · asked by venki 1

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2006-08-28 20:18:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly.
What is it?

2006-08-28 20:04:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time we saw this riddle:

Why was Jack's report card all wet?
A: The grades were all below C level.

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

How was Farmer Jack able to buy so much land?

Good luck :)

2006-08-28 20:02:38 · 15 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


Scroll down













You got Male!

2006-08-28 19:57:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

suppose u r missing all ur gud frnds much.but u cannot reach out 2 them .& u r nt bing able 2 cope up with ur new frnds

2006-08-28 19:44:05 · 8 answers · asked by ritu 1

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
-----------------------
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party ?" he croaks. "No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

2006-08-28 19:36:57 · 26 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

2006-08-28 19:33:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

2006-08-28 19:19:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

so he goes to the glass eye store but all he can afford is a wooden eye one nite he at the bar its very late and hes had alot to drink he sees a woman across the room he's walking toward her and he see's she has a wooden leg he says to him self this is perfect and he says to the woman would you like to dance the woman replies would I and the man yells out peg leg!peg leg![wood eye=would I] just i case you dont get it

2006-08-28 19:18:37 · 5 answers · asked by know it all 2

THE MARYLAND POETRY CONTEST HAD COME DOWN TO TWO, A YALE GRADUATE AND A REDNECK
FROM ARKANSAS.

THEY WERE GIVEN A WORD, THEN ALLOWED TWO MINUTES TO STUDY THE WORD AND COME UP WITH A POEM THAT CONTAINED THE WORD. THE WORD THEY WERE GIVEN WAS "TIMBUKTU".

FIRST TO RECITE HIS POEM WAS THE YALE GRADUATE. HE STEPPED TO THE MICROPHONE AND
SAID:

"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND,
TREKKED A LON ELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO,
DESTINATION: TIMBUKTU."

THE CROWD WENT CRAZY!

NO WAY COULD THE REDNECK TOP THAT, THEY THOUGHT AS THE REDNECK CALMLY MADE HIS
WAY TO THE MICROPHONE AND RECITED:

"ME AND TIM, A' HUNTIN' WE WENT.
MET THREE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
THEY WAS THREE, AND WE WAS TWO.
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU."

THE REDNECK WON HANDS DOWN

2006-08-28 19:17:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous