Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

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A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde enter a breast-stroke-only swimming contest across the English Channel. They start off one day in the fog and swim through the choppy seas.
Four hours later the redhead finishes and dries herself off. The brunette finishes a close second.

Four hours after that, the blonde comes up on the opposite side, totally out of breath. She walks up to a race judge and says, "Listen, I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those girls were using their arms."

2006-08-14 19:10:03 · 12 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Walks in the wind,
Runs in the rain,
Makes dry oceans in the sun.
Counts time, stops clocks,
Swallows kingdoms, gnaws rocks.

What is it??

Who guesses what it is first gets the points~

2006-08-14 19:07:49 · 13 answers · asked by Lucid_dreams 4

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"!

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment

2006-08-14 19:07:47 · 10 answers · asked by Steffi 3

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes


Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

2006-08-14 19:05:09 · 12 answers · asked by Steffi 3

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, setup their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evidence the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

2006-08-14 19:03:35 · 12 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Mother Superior is having her office at the convent remodeled, so she asks two younger nuns to paint it. Before they start, she warns them not to get any paint on their habits. So the two nuns decide to lock the door and paint in the nude. They're almost done, when they hear a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" they call out nervously.

"Blind man" replies a voice.

The two nuns decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. So they open the door.

"Nice breasts!" exclaims the man.
"Where do you want these blinds?"

2006-08-14 19:01:50 · 16 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

The town is all black. the lights, roads, buildings, cars, people, water is all pitch black. there is a dog laying in hte middle of the black road, and a black car is heading straight for it. the cars lights are broken! but he swerves to miss it anyways. how did he know the black dog was there?

2006-08-14 18:36:38 · 20 answers · asked by Melissa N 2

BOY: ma'am, would you wear earrings if you don't have ears? MA'AM: nnooo.. (*giving the boy a weird look*) BOY: umm.. would you wear a ring if you don't have fingers? MA"AM: of course not! BOY: then why are you wearing a bra?

2006-08-14 18:36:35 · 20 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

I'm bored much.

2006-08-14 18:23:02 · 9 answers · asked by Violet 3

2006-08-14 18:22:57 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 18:20:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 18:18:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

did you read it?
then you are an idiot!!!

now.....


.....................
.....................
............................
read it without saying CAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

2006-08-14 18:06:34 · 12 answers · asked by pinkcloud2015 5

i'll show you mine if you show me yours
tehe

2006-08-14 18:06:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Somebody repeated an old joke to me today and I thought it was funny again. Anyway: here's mine. put yours below

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and you didn't hear anything."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The lady returns the following week.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

2006-08-14 17:44:45 · 14 answers · asked by yadayadayada 3

I am a frame,
gray and white.
Hidden in you closet,
away from sight.

2006-08-14 17:32:44 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-14 17:31:03 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
>>>>
>>>> Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
>>>>
>>>> #1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
>>>>
>>>> #2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the
>>>> Government.
>>>>
>>>> #3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
>>>> People.
>>>>
>>>> #4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
>>>>
>>>> #5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
>>>>
>>>> "Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."
>>>>
>>>> So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said.
>>>>
>>>> Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up
to
>>>> check
>>>> on hi m. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So,
>>>> the
>>>> little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep.
>>>> Not
>>>> wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
>>>> locked,
>>>> He looks in the keyhole and finds his father in bed with the
Nanny. He
>>>> gives
>>>> up and goes back to bed.
>>>>
>>>> The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I
>>>> understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good,
son,
>>>> tell
>>>> me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The
little
>>>> boy
>>>> replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the
>>>> Government
>>>> is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in
deep
>>>> ****."
>>>>

2006-08-14 17:30:22 · 21 answers · asked by SPARTAN 2

looking for short, clean jokes for my four year old--age appropriate please--thanks for your help

by the way I let her choose the funniest to award the 10points

2006-08-14 17:25:49 · 13 answers · asked by creative rae 4

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs
are. The first man was an Engineer, the second
man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do
your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He
called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your dog
do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the
milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the
day off, with pay.

2006-08-14 17:18:30 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

take a rag or piece of cloth to one of your friends, hold it up and ask them if it smells like chloroform. You will be surprised how many people will actually smell the cloth.post you results. Disclaimer* im not liable for you being dumb. dont really have people sniff chloroform, or animals, or actually mess with that stuff. meant as a joke only.

2006-08-14 17:16:56 · 19 answers · asked by AmericanPatriot 3

2006-08-14 17:16:34 · 8 answers · asked by opjames 4

2006-08-14 16:58:42 · 14 answers · asked by pixiejvgurl 2

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

2006-08-14 16:56:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 16:48:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 16:44:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ill make it worth your while...lol...kind of...not really

2006-08-14 16:36:01 · 57 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 16:30:04 · 41 answers · asked by josh 1

http://www.break.com/games/handeye.html

2006-08-14 16:10:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 16:05:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous