Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

2006-08-15 01:56:05 · 10 answers · asked by Lady 3

A little guy is sitting on a park bench just staring
at his drink for half an hour when this big
trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs
his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor
little guy starts crying.

"Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time." says
the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just
can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life." Says the little
guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my
boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found
my car was stolen and I have no insurance.

I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I
discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I
found my wife in bed with the neighbour. So I came
here trying to work up the courage to put an end to my
life. And then you show up and drank the poison."

2006-08-15 01:41:24 · 17 answers · asked by UncleGeorge 4

In what situation couId this be possibIe?

2006-08-15 01:14:08 · 7 answers · asked by Starling 3

if u have plz tell them to me al give ya ten points for the best one(s)

2006-08-15 01:00:17 · 15 answers · asked by :) 2

could you all please help me make my personal goal a reality by checking out my website, http://www.jokes4ever.co.uk
my goal is to get 2 million hits by 31st dec o6, i am not making any money from this so please help if you wouldnt mind thank you

2006-08-15 00:56:14 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: Michael Jacksons hand

2006-08-15 00:51:04 · 12 answers · asked by Bad Boy 2

and no matter how hard you try, the vacuum will not pick up any dirt or lint there?

the 'carperimeter'

2006-08-15 00:48:12 · 9 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

2006-08-15 00:46:15 · 9 answers · asked by Starling 3

A proffesor was teaching students about 2 important concepts on being
a doctor. First, you need to NOT be freaked out about the natural
human body. So he stuck his finger into the dead body he just have
unwrapped and sucked on it. "Now you try." he told the wide-eyed
students. They stood back awhile and finally took turns sticking a
finger into the rotting butt and sucking on it. "Now," said the
professor, "the second thing is observation. How many of you guys saw
me stick my middle finger in and sucking the index finger?"

2006-08-15 00:30:31 · 18 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

no , its not hypothermia , its me in my lucky blue coat !

2006-08-15 00:22:35 · 25 answers · asked by senoirpob 2

...who gives him a Rorshach (inkblot) test. The psychisatrist holds up the first picture and asks the man,
"What do you see?"
"A man and a woman having sex," the patient replies.
The doctor raises an eyebrow and holds up another:
"Two dogs having sex."
He shows another, and another, and another, to all of which the man replies, "Sex," "sex," "sex." The shrink finally says,
"You know, you're obsessed with sex."
And the man replies: ....

2006-08-15 00:10:46 · 15 answers · asked by megpavlikova 3

2006-08-15 00:08:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its accociatted with a dustbin

2006-08-15 00:06:56 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sea Shells Sitting by the SeaShore! (as fast as you can)

2006-08-14 23:56:22 · 6 answers · asked by ghostguff 2

I want a genuinly funny joke or anecdote, nothing rude or long winded (cus i get confused easily) lol

2006-08-14 23:48:45 · 27 answers · asked by ? 3

2006-08-14 23:42:47 · 14 answers · asked by ThE~JoKeR 1

Chevy Chase's favourite memory is when a nice rabbit reared up behind the counter of a tea-shop, and winked at him.

2006-08-14 23:32:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"

The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!"

The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right."

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

2006-08-14 23:19:32 · 15 answers · asked by CYNDIITA 3

When the teacher asked the students in her 3rd grade class this,
Billy says," The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher says," No Billy, on over cast days the sky is gray."
Susie says," The grass is definetly green."
Teacher says," No Susie, in the winter the grass is brown."
Bobby say," Hey teacher, do farts have lumps?"
Teacher says," No Bobby they don't."
Bobby Says," I definitely pooped in my pants!"

2006-08-14 23:03:32 · 13 answers · asked by jewingengleman 4

2006-08-14 22:55:17 · 18 answers · asked by larry365 3

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice

all the different kind of boobs?"



Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be

normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts depending on

a woman's age.. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like

melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like

pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."



"Onions, Dad?"



"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."



Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many

kind of weenies are there?"



The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well,

daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's

twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his

thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his

fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."



"A Christmas tree?"



"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration

2006-08-14 22:53:38 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

its your mutha, with her baps out!

2006-08-14 22:32:03 · 19 answers · asked by ? 1

we should put together a fund to do away with him, with his cute little puffy cheeks always popping up, asking us if we are pleased, you know what would please me, if you would make me a sandwich, i am hungry!! don't see you offering me that, what should we do, maybe venture off on a hunting trip perhaps?? any ideas people??

2006-08-14 22:20:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "So how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., PLEASE MAMA!"

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

2006-08-14 22:20:26 · 29 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-14 22:13:48 · 9 answers · asked by anusha s 1

a guy walks up to you and says, "HEY, i haven't spoken to you in like forever, sweetie!!" you look puzzled, so you reply, "yeah, it's been so long i don't even remember you?!" the guy immediately replies, "i know, i have been missing you too, it seems like it's been a life time!" as he is staring you right in the face," we should hang out this weekend, go to a movie or something, maybe dinner, me and you?? what do you say??" you cringe and retort, "look PAL, i told you, i don't even know you, get away!! FREAK!!" then you throw up all over his shoes, and he says, "hold on grandma, i'll call you right back, some fu(ker just puked on my timbs, love ya too!!" - those hands free bluetooth devices are going to be the death of me some day!!

2006-08-14 22:09:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4 How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.


9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get >From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20 Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

2006-08-14 22:04:48 · 28 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Okay one day a old lady is sitting on her porch with her old hound dog. Next thing she knows a genie pops out in front of her. The genie says: It seem that you are very lonely so what i will do is grant you three wishes. The first wish she makes is she wishes she was a beautiful rich princess. Second she looks around and takes a look a her shack of ahouse and says i wish i lived in a palace. Third She wishes she had a handsome prince to make love to her. The genie looks around and spot the hound dog and poof he is transformed into a handsome prince. Th eprince strolls up to the princess and takes her in his arms, and kisses her passionatly. Soon the princess is ready to make love, when the prince whispers in her ear ( I bet your'e sorry you nutured me now b i t c h)

2006-08-14 22:01:21 · 6 answers · asked by foeversexygirl 2

should police have to call you daddy?? that's right police, i am your father, ahahahamooowahaha cough, hack, ahahaha!!

2006-08-14 21:58:46 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is challenging


1. In a street, there are 5 houses, each a different color.
2. In each house lives a person of different nationality.
3. Each house owner drinks a certain drink, smokes a certain kind of
4. cigarette, and keeps a certain kind of pet.
5. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigarette, or
6. drink the same drink.

Who owns the FISH?

Hints:

1. The British lives in the red house.
2. The Swedish keeps dogs as pets.
3. The Dane drinks tea.
4. The green house is on the left of the white house.
5. The green house's owner drinks coffee.
6. The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.
7. The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.
8. The man living in the center house drinks milk.
9. The Norwegian lives in the first house.
10. The man who smokes blends lives next to the man who keeps cats.
11. The man who keeps horses lives next to the man who smokes Dunhill.
12. The owner who smokes Blue master drinks beer.
13. The German smokes Prince.
14. The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.
15. The man who smokes Blends has a neighbor who drinks water.

Einstein wrote this riddle early in the 20th century, stating that 98%
of the world's population could not solve it.
Good Luck

2006-08-14 21:53:14 · 11 answers · asked by missy 2