does anybody have any long stories that are jokes???

Question

if u have plz tell them to me al give ya ten points for the best one(s)

Answer 1

Try Genesis

Answer 2

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Answer 3

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!

Answer 4

A business man in China was eatting at a restaurant. He ordered
the Number 5 dinner. Afterwards he was feeling very uncomfortable so he excused himself and went to the men's room. Looking around to make sure he was alone the broke wind and it said" Honda!" The startled business man left the
restroom and went outside. Feeling the pressure again he
looked around and let another one go and once again the fart
said"Honda!" Now the business man was very confused so he
returned to the restaurant and spoke to the head waiter. He
explained what had happened in the restroom and the head waiter smiled and wrote down the number to a local dentist
and told the man to make an appointment. The business man did this and the dentist found an abssess tooth and pulled it.
Now the bussiness man was very confused. He returned to the
restaurant and once again ordered the Number 5 dinner. After
eatting it he once again felt uncomfortable and went to the
restroom. He let one fly and it was just a regular smelly fart.
This completely baffled the man so he went once more to the head waiter and asked," I was in here the first time and ordered the Number 5 dinner and went I had gas my fart said "Honda"
You sent me to a dentist who pulled an abssessed tooth. Now
I eat the same meal again and my farts are just regular farts.
I don't understand what is going on!" The head waiter smiles and bows. " Ah most venerable sir! Absess makes the farts
go Honda." Enjoy this one.

Answer 5

Got a few,
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.
The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
________________________________________________

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff!"

Answer 6

One dark night outside on the outskirts of Hastings, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments
for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $200,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat never seen before he was upping the
reward to $500,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave firefighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Hemi, the 70-year-old fire chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f-ing truck!"

Answer 7

"BE WARNED!
I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to
me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Enfield and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday."

Answer 8

A nun is chatting with her Mother Superior.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it," says the young nun.

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder nun.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?" "No, Mother," answers the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?"

"Well, no" says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"And THAT is surely when you swore?" says the amazed Mother.

"No, not yet." she answers. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No...the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole!"

The two nuns are silent for a moment.................








Then Mother Superior sighs, "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

Answer 9

You obviously wanted something to read.

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.

After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and
two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at

her.

Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.

Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her

****.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew
out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Brian said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool
an dstayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom
and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient! I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his
bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am
sorry,
but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband he's ! delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" "Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A koala is sitting up a gum tree, smoking a joint, when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says:

"Hey, Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says:

"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says:

"Hey, you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Faaaaarrrrk n hell mate.......how much water did you drink???"

Answer 10

Well this is one long Story
That`s one long joke
It`s been going on now for 55years
So will put my life story on paper and send it to you
As it would not all fit on here

Need a A4 size paper to complete to get it all on