Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

As the answers come in I will post some of mine, so be sure to check back. Here's one to get you started:

Seen at a White Sox game, on a neanderthal looking fellow, (had a very large beer belly) Caption: "Drink 'til you want me."

2006-08-15 12:35:02 · 22 answers · asked by -Tequila17 6

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.



2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."



3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."


5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".


7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.



8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.


9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."


11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."


12. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"


13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."


14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!


15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."


17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.


18. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"


19. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.


20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."


21. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"


22. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

2006-08-15 12:25:23 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Everybody's got their favorite farmer's joke, here's mine:

There was a ventriloquist that was out of work. Economy is bad, blah blah blah, so he starts looking for work. He happens to walk by a farm, and gets an Idea. He knocks on the door and the farmer comes out. The ventriloquist tells the farmer that he's looking for work, but the farmer quickly shoots him down. "Let me explain" says the ventriloquist. "I can talk to animals and figure out what you'd need in order to get a high productivity and better quality goods." Just then a cow walks by. "Let me show you!" says the ventriloquist. "Hey cow, what can the farmer do to get more milk out of you?" So the vetriloquist throughs his voice making it seem like the cow is talking: "Well, I'd probably be able to produce milk if the farmer's hands weren't so cold in the mornings." The farmer was amazed at what he just heard. Just then, a chicken walks by. The farmer says "go ahead, ask the chicken how I can get more eggs!"

2006-08-15 12:16:22 · 6 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn that was fun!"
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press'Ctrl Alt Delete'and start all over?

2006-08-15 12:09:24 · 11 answers · asked by Erin A 2

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

What do you think??

2006-08-15 11:55:28 · 18 answers · asked by Erin A 2

i am awake at night but only when i am hunting.
i am furry like a bear but just not as blunting.
most of the time i cant play cause i am sleepin during th day.

2006-08-15 11:51:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I come two times a Week but once a Year.Who am I?

2006-08-15 11:42:26 · 12 answers · asked by Erin A 2

*go ahead, be my guest. Funniest answer gets 10 pts.*

2006-08-15 11:23:16 · 14 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.
He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.
The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.
"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."


Say a good joke and I will give you 10 points!

2006-08-15 11:02:03 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

2006-08-15 10:56:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-15 10:53:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.

Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."

A group of frogs is called an army.

A group of rhinos is called a crash.

A group of kangaroos is called a mob.

A group of whales is called a pod.

A group of geese is called a gaggle.

A group of ravens is called a murder.

A group of officers is called a mess.

A group of larks is called an exaltation.

David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.

It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.

There are only three animals with blue tongues, the Black Bear, the Chow Chow dog and the blue-tongued lizard.

2006-08-15 10:46:05 · 49 answers · asked by Gemini23 4

2006-08-15 10:37:40 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-15 10:15:08 · 25 answers · asked by Mriganka 1

His antique organ

2006-08-15 10:14:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?

2006-08-15 10:00:57 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-15 10:00:10 · 17 answers · asked by mr_sister_uk 3

1) What does a man do standing up and a woman do sitting down?

2) Something that sticks so far out of a mans pajamas, he can hang his hat on it?

3) A four letter word for intercourse

2006-08-15 09:50:41 · 20 answers · asked by Funnyaccountant 4

say it don't type it

2006-08-15 09:48:54 · 34 answers · asked by dmilla753 1

2006-08-15 09:34:58 · 67 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can someone help me figure out this riddle

2006-08-15 09:34:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

25yrs hard labour

2006-08-15 09:26:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know any good Michael Jackson jokes? I know he was accuited but he will be a joke even after his death!

2006-08-15 09:17:51 · 20 answers · asked by krisatk25 1

And don't give me the menstrual cycle bullcrap, and the pregnancy nonsense. Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it you pushed a baby out, congratulations! Women have it alot easier in life, it's always women and children first, open the door for women, don't swear around women, blah, blah, blah. It's time women realize that no you are not as cool as you think you are.

2006-08-15 09:17:39 · 28 answers · asked by freeagent165 2

There were these two red necks sittin on the porch, drinking beers as the sun was setting. Yup, just sitting, jibber jabberin, scratching their gut, and adjusting their trucker hats. As they are sitting son the porch, one of the guy's dog walks over, sits on the porch, and starts too lick his balls. The two guys look over at the dog. The owner of the dog says "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy just looks at him and says..."Go ahead, he's your dog."

2006-08-15 09:07:45 · 17 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

2006-08-15 09:05:32 · 5 answers · asked by mattbratt11 1

tell me what is your favorite colour,flower,cartoon,hobbies,cartoon charector,subject,animal,event like{birthdays}etc and food,fruits ,vegetables
whoever matches with mine win ten points

2006-08-15 09:01:18 · 23 answers · asked by Riya 4

2006-08-15 08:55:26 · 17 answers · asked by Striker 5

funniest answer gets 10 points

2006-08-15 08:32:21 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

here's mine: (it's ok, i was born there, and i have a sense of humor, so don't get offended)

what's 100 feet long, has 3 teeth, and smells like urine?










































the unemployment line in west virginia

2006-08-15 08:22:46 · 15 answers · asked by bakbiter 3