Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Blonde get a job overseas.....after about a month she gets a note from her father to call her Mother urgently

So the blonde goes down to the post office and ask the clerk how much is the call.......$100 the clerk replies.....oh I cant afford that said the blonde.

The clerk looks at the blonde and says well maybe we can come to some arrangement..follow me down the corridor.

So into a room they go the clerk shuts the door unzips his pants and looks at the blonde and says ...ok go ahead....the blonde slowly gets to her knees and says..............."Hello is that you Mum"

2006-08-15 18:49:04 · 21 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Im really bored. someone pleez make me laugh.

2006-08-15 18:44:33 · 13 answers · asked by togaparty456 1

; P

2006-08-15 18:39:23 · 29 answers · asked by boxergirl 5

The Moon is my father,
the Sea is my mother;
I have a million brothers,
I die when I reach land.

2006-08-15 18:36:28 · 18 answers · asked by james howlett 1

Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, "George, I had a
wonderful
dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on
each house I
saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banners?" Mr. Bush asked.

Saddam replied, "LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN."

Mr. Bush responded, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called.
Last
night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was
more
beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each
house flew an
enormous banner."

"What did the banners say?" Saddam asked.

"I don't know," replied Mr. Bush, "I can't read Hebrew."

2006-08-15 18:32:03 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

Girls, How would you like something Red, Hot and Throbbing between your legs, JUMP ON A HONDA,

2006-08-15 18:23:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

lets go 4 it...
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.


#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he looks in t he peephole and finds his father in bed
with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class,
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep ****."

________________________

2006-08-15 18:22:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.



Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. He replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

Men have no idea when to keep their mouths shut!!!

2006-08-15 18:20:58 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-15 18:19:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

im different shapes and sizes
everyone has one
everyone uses me
im a must for everyones home

2006-08-15 18:13:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Count every 'F' in the following text:

Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years

How many 'F's did you find?
3 is normal, 4 is quite rare, but there are more than that...

I'll come back in, in about 5 minutes and let you know the trick, if you dont already know..... :-)

2006-08-15 18:13:01 · 9 answers · asked by Squishygirl 3

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello!

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her
from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he as ever been unfaithful
to his wife and he says...

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the
pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math
teacher."

2006-08-15 18:09:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello, my name is not important, I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion stupid chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Tasmania with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!"
What a load of b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to Australia by midget pilgrims on the First Fleet.

The point being? - If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't p-i-s-s people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Oh, by the way: NO COMPANY HAS ANY WAY OF TRACKING E-MAIL OUTSIDE THEIR SYSTEM - NO, NOT EVEN MICROSOFT!!! THERE IS NO SUCH TECHNOLOGY YET!!!!!
AND IF THERE WERE, IT WOULD PROBABLY BE AGAINST THE LAW TO TRACK IT FOR PRIVACY MATTERS.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

2006-08-15 18:06:47 · 9 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

MY CAT LIKES TO GO AROUND TEARING UP MY POSTER AND EATING PAPER ALSO JUMPING UP THE WALLS

2006-08-15 18:03:14 · 7 answers · asked by kallybrat1212 1

everyone has to have it
we couldnt go without it
kids usually get the most

what is it?

2006-08-15 18:02:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've been told these are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. Yeah, sure.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.


4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 storeys, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy! comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighbourhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

2006-08-15 18:01:25 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

what is the answer for this anagram- KJSAE?????

2006-08-15 18:01:24 · 12 answers · asked by ammu 1

There are three words in the English
language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry.
EveryONE
knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses
them
everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third
word.
What is it? _______gry?

2006-08-15 18:00:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anubhav~~!! 3

A woman is on a date with a big, strong, muscular guy.

At the end of the date they start making out. Things start to get hot and heavy, and in the middle of it, the girl decides she's not into it. "Stop," she says, but the guy seems not to hear her. "Get off me!" she finally shouts.

The guy stops, jumps up, rips off his shirt, and starts flexing his muscles.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks the girl.

The guy stops and says, "I thought you just told me to 'Get Awesome!'"

2006-08-15 17:58:16 · 6 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A lesson regarding the value of a couple of aspirin!


A guy is out with buddies and has few drinks. He is feeling a little frisky, but true to his wife, goes home.


He finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open, so he gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.


She starts to choke, but recovers and asks, "What did you put in my mouth?"

He says, "Two aspirin."


She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!"


He says, "That's all I wanted to hear"

2006-08-15 17:57:01 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

its shape does change,bright it can be,scary at times,beautiful at times....what is it.?

2006-08-15 17:54:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The ugly woman says, "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

2006-08-15 17:52:33 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

There was a guy named John, who was the most positive guy in the whole world. Every time anyone said something negative, John would always say, "It could have been worse."

One day, John's co-workers all got together and decided to come up with a scenario so bad that John couldn't say that it could have been worse.

When John arrived at work that day, one of his co-workers asked him, "John did you hear what happened to Sam last night?"

John replied, "No, what?"

The co-worker replied, "When Sam got home last night, he found his wife in bed with another man. Sam shot the man, his wife, and then turned the gun on himself!"

John replied, "Well, it could have been worse."

In disgust the co-worker replied, "Now how could that have been any worse?"

John replied, "Because if it had been the night before, he would have shot me!"

2006-08-15 17:49:25 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

Lena was hired at the factory and she reported for her 1st day promptly at 8:00 a.m. The following day, at 8:45, there was a knock at the personnel manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line threw open the door and began to rant about his new employee, Lena. He complained that she was incredibly slow and that the entire production line was behind schedule and backing up!

The personnel manager decided he should see this for himself, so the two men marched down to the factory floor. When they got there, the line was so backed up, there were Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they were really beginning to pile up at the end of the line stood Lena, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The two men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began carefully to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager stared for a few seconds, saw what was happening, and burst into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics, he pulled himself together and approached Lena. "I'm sorry," he said to her. Barely able to keep a straight face, he said, "I think you misunderstood the instructions given you yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles ..."

2006-08-15 17:46:12 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

While strolling past a pet shop, a cat notices a sign in the window: Help Wanted.

Knowing himself to be no ordinary feline, he saunters into the shop and calls out "Hello! I'd like to apply for the job."

The owner of the pet shop is very amused at the idea of a talking cat, and she wants to hear more, so she plays along, saying "Oh, I'm sorry, but this is a clerical job. We need someone who can type and file."

The cat hastens over to the office typewriter and, quick as a wink, he pounds out something about a quick brown fox and a lazy dog until he has filled a page. He grabs a stack of papers, alphabetizes them by subject matter, and puts them away in the file cabinet in less time than one would expect of a critter who lacks opposable thumbs.

The owner is charmed, but figures she can't possibly hire a cat, so she thinks of another excuse. "You type very nicely, and your filing is flawless, but this job demands computer literacy."

The cat immediately takes his place in front of the computer and, mouse in paw, cruises the Web, gathering useful information about increasing the profitability of pet shops (stopping briefly at Jumbo Joke to see the latest entry).

The owner is stunned. She has got to think of a tactful way to tell this cat that she isn't going to give him a job.

"Well, you're an amazing cat indeed. You type, you file, and you're a computer whiz. But we really, really must have someone who is bilingual."

The cat stares imploringly into the owner's eyes and says "Woof!"

2006-08-15 17:43:55 · 3 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-15 17:37:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the lab replies.

"So, what's your story?

The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars".

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

2006-08-15 17:33:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun.

2006-08-15 17:29:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "he’s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

2006-08-15 17:27:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

2006-08-15 17:26:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous