; P
2006-08-15 18:39:23 · 29 answers · asked by boxergirl 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
How's this?
Letter To God
A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.
When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.
2006-08-23 17:46:49 · answer #1 · answered by miracleMB 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
not a joke just a funny poem:
One Payday Mr. Peanut wanted a Bit O'Honey, so he took Mary Jane behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. He began to feel her Mounds. That was pure Almond Joy. It made her Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Juicyfruit and caused a Milky Way. She screamed Oh Henry as she squeezed his Peter Paul and Zagnuts. Mary Jane said "You are even better than the Three Musketeers." Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later had a Baby Ruth.
2006-08-21 16:48:03 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
1.
E-Mail from the Afterlife
An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida,
his wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email,
unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address,
he did his best to type it from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an
elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor,
let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint, at the sound,
her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen.....
DEAREST WIFE...
JUST GOT CHECKED IN...
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW...
P.S.
SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
2.
Firetruck
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask himsome questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with! a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last even questions wrong......
3.
Buying Condoms
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
2006-08-23 10:32:10 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Spelling to get into Heaven
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
2006-08-21 02:27:26 · answer #4 · answered by Kappy 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
2006-08-19 17:09:18 · answer #5 · answered by bee 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
This is a old one but its still funny:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
2006-08-16 01:55:49 · answer #6 · answered by tabz_nate 3 · 2⤊ 4⤋
As a lead-in to "the Joke" to get you in the right frame of mind here are some warm-ups.
What do you call a man with a crewcut?
Shaun (get it shorn) ok!!
What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?
Doug
What do you call a man without a shovel in his head?
Douglas
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs thrashing about in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?
Eileen
Now that you are getting the hang of it, here is THE JOKE.
What do you call a woman with a toothpick shoved up her backside?
OLIVE
2006-08-23 19:04:49 · answer #7 · answered by galopin_1872 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
A small boy went into the pharmacy.
The sales lady asked: May I help you?
The small boy said yes, I need a box of Tampons.
The saleslady asked: who are you buying these for?
The boy said: These are for my little brother.
The sales lady asked: For your little brother!!!?
The boy answered: With these, you can ride a bike and swim, he can't do either.
2006-08-23 21:51:05 · answer #8 · answered by kayboff 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A 54 year old mathmetician left his wife a note that said,
"When you get this message, I'll be at the Grand Hotel with
my 18 year old secretary."
The wife faxed him at the hotel with the following message,
"When you get this your 54 year old wife will be at home with
an 18 year old boy toy. Being a mathmetician you know that 18
will go into 54 a whole lot more than 54 will go into 18."
2006-08-16 02:03:32 · answer #9 · answered by ettezzil 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i got some yo momma jokes...
your momma so fat she left the house with high heels and came back with flip flops
your mommas so fat they got her face on the Crisco can
your mommas so fat she has more chins then a Chinese phone book
your mommas so fat when she put on a pair of guess jeans the answer popped out
how about this one...
your mommas so old she has the autographed version of the Bible
2006-08-16 02:29:46 · answer #10 · answered by oh dang!its Katie 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋