Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Do ya ears hang low ?
Do they wobble to and fro
Can you tie them in a knot ?
Can you tie them in a bow ?

2006-08-16 07:01:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

You decide to go spelunking, but half-way down the cavern, you hear the entrance collapse behind you. You back-track and find that you are completely sealed in. Instead of wasting your time trying to move the rocks out of the way, you decide to look for another exit deeper in the cavern.

Just around the corner from where you were during the collapse is a large, open cavern. The first thing you notice is a pedestal carved out of a stalagmite in the center of the room. You walk up and notice there is a riddle on it, it read:

"Greatings traveller, the time to worry is nigh.
Follow your heart, and use your mind to find your way.
Two doors lie in wait, one on either side.
Each has its own guardian, protecting whats inside.
One leads to freedom, the other to demise.
One guardian only tells the truth, the other only lies,
one question can be asked to each, so pick your words with care.
So make up your mind and ask them what you dare."

You looks to your left and see a large Golem like creature made of granite standing in front of an elaborately decorated doorway, and on your right you see a creature made of wood in front of a similarly decorated doorway.

As you step away from the pedestal, each one rises, and they individually state their case. The granite golem says in a loud voice which shakes the cavern, "Welcome traveller, and listen to me, the other one tells only lies, so ask to me your question if you want to be free." Imediately afterward, the tree golem says, in a kreaky voice that is a little hard to understand, "Listen not to him traveller, for all he tells are lies, i am the truth teller and can't lead you to demise."

2006-08-16 06:56:30 · 6 answers · asked by Mako 7

Two men are in court on drug charges.
The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you
can persuade enough
people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off."

Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for
their results.

"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man
says.

That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell
them?"

I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them
the big circle
was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs

The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!"

One hundred!
"How?"asks the judge

Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small
circle and said

''This is your asshole before
prison...........''

2006-08-16 06:51:49 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger -- I mean, how the hell could he know where we're going?

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or baseball, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a man, I am capable of announcing, "One more beer and I really have to go", and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. Like, what's the connection?

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE FOR WOMEN, TO BETTER UNDERSTAND THE MALE ANIMAL.

2006-08-16 06:48:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into a hardware store to buy something for
her house. When asked the price, the clerk replies,
"the price of one is twelve cents, the price of
forty-four is twenty-four cents, and the price a hundred
and forty-four is thirty-six cents. What does the woman
want to buy?

2006-08-16 06:45:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up,
ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles
her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short
interval before returning to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?"

His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay."

The husband says, "No, not at all."

His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?

The husband says," I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book".

2006-08-16 06:45:00 · 19 answers · asked by Kheisofuzen 3

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

21. My mother taught me about SHARING.
" I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!"

22. My mother taught me about FEAR.
"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."

2006-08-16 06:44:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 06:35:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy whispers to a girl and says Purple Paper, the girl starts to cry. the teacer askes what heppened, the boy says he whispered purple paper. the teacher is shocked and sends him to the main office.
The principle asks what happened the boy told him the story the boy tells the principle he said PP and the principle tells him he is susspended.
boy goes home and his mom is there he tells her the story she asked what he said and he said PP, she says no dinner for you
Boys father comes home and the boy tells is story and says he whispered PP. the father says your beig sent to africa
boys on a plane and the flight attendant asked him what was wrong he told the story and said all he said was PP, so the flight attendant grabs a parachute and throughs the boy out of the plane.
the boy lands in africa and a man asked him how he got there so the boy tells the story and the man doesnt no what PP means, so they go to the library as they cross the street they get hit by a car.

2006-08-16 06:13:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 05:56:29 · 10 answers · asked by VetteLeo 6

Abuse me for I will not care.
Curse me when I stray from fair.
Brute force won't put me in my place.
Smooth and even wins the race.
Envy colors where I rest.
No sandy beaches for the best.

2006-08-16 05:55:50 · 7 answers · asked by simply_boring 4

beer ,next thing this girl coms up and says your pretty cute for a koala bear,lets go have a good time, koala bear says alright,so they go and do theyre thing and after the girl says thats gonna be 50 bucks ,the koala says for what? she says shes a prostitute,koala says whats that? she looks through the dictionary and it says :prostitute,one who gets paid for sexual favors,koala says well ill be turns to koala bear: one who eats bushes,shoots and leaves..so he got up and walked out:-0

2006-08-16 05:39:48 · 12 answers · asked by chris w 4

Share your blonde jokes here!


~Why was there a bullet hole in the mirror? becasue a blonde tried to commit suicide
~Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.
~Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
~Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
~Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan.


PLEASE SHARE MORE JOKES!

2006-08-16 05:34:51 · 29 answers · asked by qwerty 4

If a doctor gave you three pills and told you to take one every half an hour, how long would the pills last you?

2006-08-16 05:31:47 · 28 answers · asked by Osh Aka Oisinmagic 3

(no reporting allowed)

2006-08-16 05:25:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

When you trun 21 do you stop seeing them?

2006-08-16 05:22:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

think cold beverage
hint: its two words

2006-08-16 05:05:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 05:01:28 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

thanx to everyone that has helped me increase my hits for my website however i still have a long way to go, so please anyone that hasnt yet seen my site please goto http://www.jokes4ever.co.uk
i am trying to achieve a personal goal of 2 million hits by 31st dec 06, so please if you like the site please continue to look thanx again

2006-08-16 04:49:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points for the funniest

2006-08-16 04:47:01 · 8 answers · asked by slocklin0931 2

(best answer gets the points!)

2006-08-16 04:39:59 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men are standing together. All are related one man says,
"Sisters and brothers have I none but this man's father is my father's son." Who is the man that is talking and who is he talking to? I know the answer, first one to guess it right recieves ten points.

2006-08-16 04:39:38 · 25 answers · asked by Paktown 3

There is a man in a room. In this room there are two doors. One leads to freedom, the other, instant death. Infront of each door there is a guard. the one standing infront of the freedom door tells the truth and nothing but it. However the one infront of the death door will lie. You are aloud one question to ask just one of either guards to find out which door leads to freedom.

Im sorry but I dont know the answer, hence asking. Really doing my head in, and the guy who told me said he wouldnt tell me the answer for 12 months.

2006-08-16 04:39:28 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf go here it is funny

2006-08-16 04:37:13 · 10 answers · asked by conner t 2

2006-08-16 04:17:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My pick is:

Olive Cox

2006-08-16 04:11:21 · 29 answers · asked by ♥--->{Shauntee}<---♥ 4

2006-08-16 04:03:03 · 10 answers · asked by Moon O 1

i will be changing always according to the time

2006-08-16 04:01:30 · 17 answers · asked by stephenschitra 1

2006-08-16 03:52:02 · 7 answers · asked by jonhunta 2

2006-08-16 03:40:46 · 18 answers · asked by Bilko 2