Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-16 03:28:11 · 19 answers · asked by sprangmoo 1

2006-08-16 03:22:14 · 13 answers · asked by memorris900 5

Heard this one a long time ago. First person to get it gets the points.

A man is sentenced to death by a local tribe. The tribal leader says, "You may say one thing. If you say something that is true, you will be hanged. If you say something that is false, you will be shot." The man thought about it and made his reply. He was then set free. What did he say?

2006-08-16 03:19:21 · 12 answers · asked by mildmanneredclarkkent64 2

2006-08-16 03:17:24 · 7 answers · asked by stone 4

2006-08-16 03:03:13 · 22 answers · asked by gary b 1

2006-08-16 02:47:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Windows: Is just another pane in the freaking glass!

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on  knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"


http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-16 02:24:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
can there be greater than this one?"

2006-08-16 02:24:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

2006-08-16 02:20:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lift Your Right Leg Off The Floor And Turn It In Clockwise Circle,

Now Take Your Right Hand And Make Circles In The Air In Counterclockwise Cirlcles.

Which Way Is Your Leg Turning Now? LOL!!! Bet It Went The Other Way..LMAO!!!

2006-08-16 02:07:54 · 23 answers · asked by XXSEXY66XX 3

2006-08-16 02:03:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

my name is FredFredBurger
F*R*E*D*F*R*E*D*B*U*R*G*E*R

2006-08-16 02:00:14 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an ***.




Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"




The proctologist called
...they found your head.




Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.




Save your breath..You'll need it to blow up your date.




Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.




I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.




WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.




Guys...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.




Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"




Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.




Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.




If you can read this..I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.




Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.




Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.




Hang up and drive!!


And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!





Welcome to America
...now speak English

2006-08-16 01:58:43 · 25 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Joe and John were identical twins.

Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.

He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.

Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.

A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The old woman fainted.

2006-08-16 01:56:51 · 28 answers · asked by gorgeoushunk 2

you have 4 hours!

answer this riddle. whoever gets the answer right the first time or comes closest to, will get 10 pts from me!

I can speak, but i am not alive.
i have an arm, but im not human.
I come in many different shapes and colors.
I am powered by electricity.
Which is part of my name.
What Am I?

2006-08-16 01:35:41 · 19 answers · asked by Guilty innocence 4

TEACHER APPLICANT

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager
teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning, and I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their.......

2006-08-16 01:33:28 · 4 answers · asked by But why is the rum always gone? 6

Which race was described by Hopeleen Zartian IV as an 'transparent opacity'?

2006-08-16 00:36:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

From what planet do the famed Master Bakers run their patisserie empire?

2006-08-16 00:34:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who represented Venus in the 854828 Intergalactic Song Contest?

2006-08-16 00:33:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-16 00:32:55 · 21 answers · asked by welshwife 4

so how come the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place?

When they stop breaking the law, so will I.

and another thing,

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park?

The more I think about it, it seems there is one rule for them at the top and another rule for us, is it time, as Madonna screamed so loudly to thousands of children at Live Aid, for a 'f*cking revolution?'

Inicdently, I read on imdb.com its Madonnas birthday today,

Can you join me in saying 'Happy brithday'

2006-08-16 00:28:11 · 10 answers · asked by Caffeine Fiend 4

10 points for the one that makes me laugh the most, could do with being cheered up. Please no essays! lol

2006-08-15 23:52:50 · 24 answers · asked by Emma 4

Where can i get really good jokes and funny images of Chuck Norris - the Legend?

2006-08-15 23:51:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-15 23:46:44 · 11 answers · asked by SAHELI D 1

may be you can help someone.

2006-08-15 23:43:06 · 10 answers · asked by kl lim 1

2006-08-15 23:38:30 · 10 answers · asked by Eddie J 1

Because of a minor infraction, an officer aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday." As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated,

"They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

2006-08-15 23:37:57 · 9 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

in what town could you have enjoyed an ice cold beer with lily behind the bar while having you sentence read to you by a fight promotor?

2006-08-15 23:29:28 · 21 answers · asked by david l 1

who was the first Indian lady to go abroad??

2006-08-15 23:07:02 · 23 answers · asked by Swati 2

Granma HaHa tricked ya

2006-08-15 22:29:39 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4