Anyone know any good jokes?

Question

10 points for the one that makes me laugh the most, could do with being cheered up. Please no essays! lol

Ichi- thats mean, but really funny!!!!

Answer 1

As you are english, here is a purely english joke that no one else will get (maybe some englihs people won't get either!)....

Jeremy Beadle has a tiny co ck; but on the other hand it's massive!

Answer 2

The Pastor's @$$

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:

Pastor's @$$ Out Front

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

Bishop Scratches Pastor's @$$

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

Nun Has Best @$$ In Town

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:

Nun Sells @$$ For $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where is could run wild. The next day the paper read:

Nun Announces Her @$$ Is Wild And Free

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is.........being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery........and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life........stop worrying about everyone else's @$$ and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Answer 3

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #3 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #4 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #5 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Answer 4

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a
trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
The guy shrugged and said, "A couple of minutes ago."

Answer 5

A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ... and bet Twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby .... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down .... and squealed ... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
Moral –

- Not all Southerners are stupid.
- Not all blondes are dumb.
- But all men.......are men

Answer 6

3 old women live in the same house together, ages are 96,94, and 92. The 96 year old is upstairs with one leg in the bath and one leg out. She hollers down to the 94 year old, "I can't remember if I was getting in or out of the tub." The 94 year old says, "I'll be up in a minute to help you sort it out." She starts up the stairs and stops. She then yells down to the 92 year old, "I don't remember if I was going up the stairs or down." The 92 year old woman says "For crying out loud at least I'm not like you two", and she knocks on wood. "I'll be up as soon as I answer the door."

Answer 7

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Bush, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Answer 8

Not really a joke, but this quote makes me laugh:

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen. "

Answer 9

I have 2 jokes for you,and i hope they make you smile.
-One day someone asks a Donkey:" hey why you have a zebra picture in your room,you are a donkey!!!" the Donkey says to him:" Oh its my Granpa's picture ,when he was playing in JUVENTUS Team!!!!..lol
anouther Joke..
-One day 2 tools( Penis) go to Cinema.first one tells the second one:" Oh i hope the film doesnt be sexy ,bcoz we will have to stand all the time untill end of the film."
ah i have 2 more jokes
-2 prophets were walking,then they see 10 pounds on the ground,the first prophet says its mine and the second one says its mine they argued on 10 pounds that who belongs to .at last they decide to throw dice.first one threw dice and he got 6.second one threw dice and he got 7 !!!! then first one says:"DAMN IT JUST FOR 10 POUNDS U DID Miracle"
-a man goes to see a girl and see how she is for marriage .when he meets the girl,he sees;she has mustache,the man askes her:"oh sweetie why is this why u have mustachae!!?" she starts crying,then that silly man thinks how he can comfort and console her. he starts stroking her hair and tells her heyyyyyyyyyy stop crying thats enough ,MAN NEVER CRY =))

Answer 10

A cucumber, A pickle and a penis were all talking about how bad their life was.

The cucumber said "When I'm big,fat and juicy i get cut up and thrown into a salad"

The pickle said " If you thinks that's bad. When I'm big,fat and juicy i get covered in vinegar and put into a jar".

The penis said "That's nothing, When I'm big,fat and juicy i get a rubber tent put over my head, they bang my head against the wall til i throw up and pass out".