Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

ok their iz a blond a burnet and a red head ok a robber come throught the back dore they run and have no were to hid cuz their whole land is blank no bushe no nothen ok well so they get on top of the roof of the house and hope the robber with the gun duesent see or shoot them of the robber ends up finding them on the roof and theyr stoke their and the robber pnts the gun at them and the burnet sais to the robber look out a storm he tuns around and the burnet runs away then he turned back and looked at the red head and sais ur gona get it so the red head sais look behind u theirs cops so the robber puts the gun down and turns and look behind him nothin ther so the robber sais hay and gets his gun back to his hand and say ok im not fallen for it again and then the stupid blond sais fire and the robber shots here

2006-08-14 21:41:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anthony A 1

A man had a pet parrot.
The parrot was very bright and could speak very well
After the man had the parot for a while he wanted to go on a vacation.
The man asked his friend to take care of the bird.
The friend being a good friend wanted to help out
So the friend said to the man who owned the parrot :
"Sure - I'll be happy to take care of your parrot."
When the friend took the parrot home to his house the parrot did not like that at all and started to throw a fit.
The parrot threw bird seed all over and swore and spit.
It was an awful situation.
.the friend tried all sorts of new bird toys - soft music - - He tried everything he could think of and none of it had any effect on the parrot
The friend was fed up
He walked it over to the freezer - opened the door and shoved it in
The friend could hear the parrot flapping & sqwaking
Then there was silence
The friend open the door to the freezer
There stood the parrot & it said:

"What did the chicken do ?"

:

2006-08-14 21:37:52 · 11 answers · asked by karma doll 2

ok their is a blond aburnet and a red head they got stranded on an island then they come accross a magic lamp a guinne popes out and sais u have only 1 wish thats a total of 3 wishes and each wish can only be used every 1 year so the blond said i wish i waz home and the blond went home they the next year past and the red head said i wish i waz home and she went home then their waz one wish left so then the next 1 year past and the stupid blond said to the ginee bursting with tears she said i wish my friends were here aand hey all stayed on the island for ever

THE END

2006-08-14 21:32:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anthony A 1

ok mom and dad take their son to the zoo and theyrs 2 monkeys humping eachother the boy sais to mom what r they doin mom said they r makin a cake then they stop to go to the bathroom he sees 2 people makin out he sais mom what r they doin mom sais their makin a cake so they go home and go to sleep the next mornin the lil boy sais u were makin a cake lastnight huh and the mom and dad said why do u ask and how do u know then the lil boy said to his mom and dad cuz i like the frosting

2006-08-14 21:25:50 · 20 answers · asked by Anthony A 1

why is O R G A S M a 6-letter word?

coz it's easier to spell than:
ohmygodyesoohhdeeperaahh-
yesfasterohgodyesyesyesimc-
omiiingahhh!

bet you read the whole "word"
haha

2006-08-14 21:21:44 · 7 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

An American businessman was in Japan. One night he decided to sample the local wares, so he hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!" The guy had no idea what it meant, but he took it as great encouragement and kept at it.

The next day he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340-yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin. On his second shot he sunk it for an Eagle. Wanting to impress the clients, he shouted "Fugifoo!"

The Japanese clients looked quite confused. "What are you talking about?" one asked. "That is the right hole!"

2006-08-14 21:13:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were out for a walk with their dogs. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got our dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said,

"Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're really very good."

"OK," the bouncer said. "Come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

2006-08-14 21:11:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S-H-I-T!"

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different.

There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

2006-08-14 21:07:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The high-tech battery backup system in the basement will protect stuff on the computers in a power outage, unless you push the "brew" button on the coffee maker. Use it.

Hanging around with editorial writers won't make you smart any more than standing around a parking lot makes you a Buick.

Your career can thrive no matter who in the newsroom hates your guts, but stay nice to whoever sorts the mail.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite company policy.

Don't hang with reporters, don't eat junk food, don't drink, die anyway.

Photographers are supposed to be like that.

There is always one more nitwit handling your copy than you counted on.

Someone who uses that college education, stays sober, thinks logically and gets it right the first time provides a nice contrast to the average slot editor.

Don't do anything at a staff meeting that you wouldn't do at a--- hmm, all right, never mind this one.

2006-08-14 21:06:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint: Think about foods.

2006-08-14 20:58:06 · 5 answers · asked by Spiritoso 3

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little ticked off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it.

When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks one of them.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy.

His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat.

The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

2006-08-14 20:56:24 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I was a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out "next," and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver looks pleased and proceeds through the gates into heaven.

The minister begins to think about the richness he'll get upon his entrance.

But instead, the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get next to nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results. All of your people slept through your sermons. In his taxi, they prayed."

2006-08-14 20:54:04 · 6 answers · asked by Woody 3

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 50 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give a darn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 50 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

Women over 50 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50. They always know.

A woman over 50 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 50+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 18-year-old waitress.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

2006-08-14 20:52:44 · 8 answers · asked by Woody 3

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

Dad, wanting to be an open, liberal, matter-of-fact father, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, looking on the shelf more closely to see if there are any other options. He sees it: "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...."

2006-08-14 20:51:09 · 13 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-14 20:34:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-14 20:31:50 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.



She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.



Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"



"I was stung by a bee", she said.



"Where", he asked.



"Between the first and second hole", she replied.



He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

2006-08-14 20:29:19 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

One bright day in the middle of the night, two dead boys stood up to fight. They sat back to back to face each other, pulled out their knives and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the noise, went out and saw the 2 dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true go ask the blind man, .....??

2006-08-14 20:11:49 · 11 answers · asked by Timeless 3

You are on an island in the middle of a lake. The lake is in a remote part of the country and there has never been a bridge connecting the island to the mainland.

Every day a tractor and wagon gives hay rides around the island. Puzzled as to how the tractor had gotten onto the island, you ask around and find out that the tractor was not transported to the island by boat or by air. Nor was it built on the island.

Explain how the tractor got there?

2006-08-14 19:58:45 · 20 answers · asked by ♥ The One You Love To Hate♥ 7

why cant a man living in the usa be buried in canada?

2006-08-14 19:38:44 · 18 answers · asked by peace..☮ 4

2006-08-14 19:34:48 · 19 answers · asked by dingydarla 3

if u have me u want to share me. if u share me u wont have me. what am i ?

2006-08-14 19:33:55 · 16 answers · asked by peace..☮ 4

hint: it gives life

2006-08-14 19:32:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this riddle:

Why did the dog decide to jump into the river?
A: He wanted to chase the catfish!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

How can you tell a clock is really hungry?

Have fun!

2006-08-14 19:32:01 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

only one color but not one size,
stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun but not in rain,
doing no harm and feeling no pain.
What is it?

2006-08-14 19:28:46 · 15 answers · asked by justinebv_5 1

to cross the water i'm the way, for water i'm above: i touch it not and, truth to say, i neither swim nor move. what am i?

2006-08-14 19:25:10 · 7 answers · asked by peace..☮ 4

I crossed through a desert past casa grande.
And saw things you'll only find down that way.
There was an old man that had nothing to say.
And a tall organ that nobody could play.
And mountains of garlic that stood plain as day.
But my memory's bad,so I can't quite convey
The name of the desert try as I may.

But maybe you'll learn it,And I hope you do.
'cause you'll need its name to answer this clue.

2006-08-14 19:18:29 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. BIG 5

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter's pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife. Much to his delight, he discovers his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the building urge to climax. In order to startle himself, he fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

"Not so good, doc. When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and the mailman came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

2006-08-14 19:14:42 · 16 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Now, dont'cha'll go an' getta upsetta atta me, ah onlee forward de mail....Gadfather
Whazza u name ___________________
U-Hage_______________
Whazza u howsa nummer ________________
U-Streeta____________

Whazza-U-Bag?
Hitta Man_____
Lona-Arranger_____
Prostitutta?___
Izza U Girl or Boy?
(If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____
Justta Checka Wun. (Wiezza Guy)

Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now____________________
Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____

For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? I Shoota Wun Guize_____
I Keednappa Sumbody's_______
Protekshun Ragget______
Udda Things______________

U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Dumdaze??
Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______

U Likka Eata Garlic? _________
Pizza? _________
Salami?__________

U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? ____________

U Driva De Car?
Gadillac_______
Buick _____
Linken________

U Likka Likka Spagett?
Galamari_____
Girlze?_____
Boyze?______
Just peeka one--no foola rounda cus I slappa U face)

U Sees De Godfather? (Or justa de movie?)
Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika...

-1 pr darke glasses
-1 lb. mozzarella cheeze
-1 black shirte widda white tie
-1 kiss (later, onna U cheek)
-1 pr. pointie shooz
-1 wite hat, widde blacke brim
-1 pr. cement shooz
-1 spumoni (tutti-frutti)
(come later when you foolaround)
-8x10 picchur-Frank Sinatra
-1 Appy Face Button
-1 wallet size-Dean Martin

Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy)

JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE

2006-08-14 19:11:11 · 12 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

as tom was going to town he met 5 men and each man had 6 wife and each wife had 4 kids and each kid had 2 cats how my people were going to town?

2006-08-14 19:10:58 · 49 answers · asked by peace..☮ 4